lit_gal | Learning Curve, Parts 5, 6 and 7

Learning Curve -- Beta'ed by Velvet Virago

Eventually NC-17: Blair/Xander, Blair/Jim, Unrequited Xander/Spike

Xander was sent to Cascade to study Sentinels, but now he's discovered that he has more to learn than care and feeding of a cranky Sentinel

Part Five

"Okay. Can you describe what exactly a Hellmouth vibe feels like?" Blair asked. Xander looked at the man incredulously.

"I'm telling you that something out there is putting off evil vibes, and you want to know what evil vibes feel like? Shouldn't you be more worried about out there than in here since something out there has the vibage going on?"

"Welcome to my world," Jim said dryly, cutting Blair off as the man opened his mouth. "Tests later, right now I want to know what's got the kid twitchy," Jim interrupted. Somehow he had expected Jim to do the disbelieving thing, but instead Xander could see the tension in the man's body as he stood next to the open door of the truck scanning the area. Xander slid out on his side and slammed the door before walking around the truck.

The air was thick with a fine mist that refused to turn into an actual rain, and Xander could practically feel the cold soaking into him. Oh yeah, something really, really Hellmouthy around here.

"So, which way?" Jim asked, his head turning as he scanned the various strip clubs and bars and cheap hotels in the areas.

"Me?! You're the Sentinel."

"You're the one with the Hellmouth vibe," Jim countered.

"And I told you I'm vibing, so it's all yours from here," Xander protested. Jim and Blair exchanged a glance that Xander couldn't even begin to interpret and then Blair took a step forward.

"Okay, let's take this one step at a time. When did you start feeling the vibe?" Blair asked.

"Um, I don't know," Xander said helplessly. "When we pulled in?" He certainly wasn't going to admit that his own lusty thoughts had distracted him.

"Okay, let's walk around a bit and see if we can get more specific," Blair suggested as he slipped a hand under Xander's arm and guided him away from the truck and toward the gas station on the corner.

"Can't superman over there... I don't know... sniff the air or something?" Xander complained.

"What exactly am I supposed to be sniffing for?" Jim asked wryly as he trailed behind. Xander turned his neck to look at the Sentinel.

"You're not supposed to be big on the believing me, anyway. Why are you believing me?"

"Man, argue later, focus on the Hellmouth vibes now," Blair demanded, and Xander stumbled a bit as Blair picked up the pace. "So, are they stronger or weaker or about the same?"

"I don't... weaker I guess," Xander admitted as he realized the invisible spiders were starting to just crawl down his spine instead of running.

"Awesome, man. Let's try across the street." Xander really didn't have a choice as he found himself just sort of pushed along by Blair. They crossed the street a second time before the spiders started tap-dancing their way up and down his back.

"Um, feeling something creepy here," Xander admitted as he came to a stop in front of a sign advertising topless dancing, complete with a caricature of a woman with impossibly large breasts.

"Okay, Chief, you stay here," Jim said as he stepped forward.

"No way," Blair countered.

"Chief, I don't want a civilian in here, and I don't want to leave him out here alone," Jim insisted, and even Xander saw the logic in that. He wasn't exactly Helpful Guy in a fight, and even Blair looked half-convinced by the argument.

"How about I just go back to the truck and wait?" Xander offered.

Jim's snort of laughter was unexpected. "And here I thought you were so much like Blair. Obviously not. Just stay in the truck, and we'll be back as soon as we can," Jim ordered, putting a hand on Blair's shoulder as he stepped between his partner and the door.

"If he came, he might be able to narrow down the suspects," Blair argued.

"Not a chance. This guy is dangerous, and I have enough trouble keeping track of one of you, Chief," Jim said absentmindedly as he focused on the building. Xander backed away a bit, and he tried to tell himself that it was stupid to be so insanely jealous of people he didn't even know. It wasn't even the sex part... with Willow busy running the magical side of the Council and Buffy running around with the Immortal, no one ever touched Xander like that... like he mattered. Spike smacking him on the arm was as close as he came to good touching, and that wasn't exactly good touching since the soul didn't stop him from leaving bruises.

"I'll just go wait in the truck," he turned around and made a near dash for the truck before he lost all his manly points with a good old fashioned bout of pathetic self-pity.

Xander sat and tried not to look like some pervert sitting in the truck between a strip club and a cheap bar. From the way people looked at him through the front window, he wasn't doing a very good job. When he first heard the sirens, he was half-afraid that someone had called the cops on him.

Then people started running out of the strip club across the street, two young men dashing for the beat up yellow Dodge parked in front of the bar. A fat older man hurried to the adult bookstore next door. A whole group of seven or eight men made a beeline for another strip place, hurrying as the sound of sirens grew closer.

Xander shifted in his seat, suddenly aware of being vulnerable sitting here, and he reached over and pressed down the door lock. Yeah, because a lock would certainly stop a bullet, he thought to himself sarcastically.

A Cascade police cruiser came around the corner, followed by a second unmarked car with lights flashing through the front grille of the car.

The door to the bar slammed open and Blair came out, yelling something to the two uniformed officers who went running inside while a huge black man got out of the second car and went up to Blair.

Soon enough Jim came out, followed by a short balding man in handcuffs who was flanked on either side by a uniformed cop. Xander could tell from the smiles that everyone was happy and Blair was moments away from doing a Snoopy dance of victory, but Jim's summoning gesture caught him off guard. Yeah, and turning around to see if Jim was gesturing to someone behind him, that was just of the stupid. And embarrassing.

Xander unlocked the door and slid out before heading across the street that newly arrived cop cars had blocked off.

"No one beyond this point," a uniformed officer stopped him.

"He's with us," Blair said as he came bounding over. "Simon, this is Xander," Blair said as the large man followed.

"Another ride along?" the man demanded as he turned to Jim.

"Not my fault I keep collecting geeks," Jim said with a shrug.

"Hey!" Blair complained. "Man, that is uncool."

"Jim, our paperwork on Blair wouldn't stand up to someone taking a good look at it. What's the story on the new one?" Simon stuck an unlit cigar in his mouth as he glanced in Xander’s direction, frowning.

"He's temporary, but he helped track Kent."

"Oh?" Simon turned at looked at him again with new interest, and Xander struggled not to squirm under a gaze that reminded him of Snyder. "How did he do that?" Simon asked.

"Trust me, sir. You do not want to know. Just mark it up as a Sentinel thing," Jim said as he started toward the truck. "Come on you two, time for the fun part of the day's adventure—paperwork."

Part Six

"Oh man, that was really something. I can't believe we nailed the rapist on the first day out," Blair practically bubbled as the truck bounced over some road construction.

"Teamwork, Chief," Jim answered with a smile, and Xander felt the warmth of that word.

"Yeah, let's talk about that," Blair interrupted Xander's moment of basking.

"Talk about what?" Jim asked cautiously.

"Talk about how you went from chaining him to a post because you refused to believe his story to believing in Hellmouth vibes enough to follow his lead." When Blair laid it all out like that, it did sound a little strange, even to Xander who made strange a way of life, but Jim only shrugged as he parked the truck in front of the building with the loft.

"Have my reasons."

"Which you are going to share, correct?" Blair asked as he slid over the bench seat and scrambled out the truck after Jim. Xander got out of the truck on his side feeling suddenly left out at the two men started arguing again. Funny, the only people he knew that argued this much were him and Spike. Willow would have pulled out the pouty lip to get these two to stop it, and she had pulled out the pouty lip more than once to derail him and Spike. However, these two seemed to take the fights in stride. Hell, they seemed to enjoy it.

"God, you're a nag, Sandburg."

"Yeah, yeah. Spill. Something changed your mind." Blair followed Jim into the building, and Xander tagged along after. Personally he didn't care why Jim changed his mind as long as he didn't get chained to another post.

"Don't have much *to* spill yet," Jim answered and then the words ended as the three men went up the stairs, but Blair picked up the minute they reached the third floor hallway.

"Maybe you don't have much, but you have something, man. I am *not* letting this go, so spill."

Jim sighed heavily as he stood next to the front door to the loft waiting for Xander to come in. "I might have had a dream," he finally admitted.

"Whoa, one of *those* dreams? Oh man, this is heavy. Was Xander in it?" Blair had started heading for the refrigerator, but now he stopped and turned back around.

"You're dreaming about me?" Xander asked, confused. Not that confused was new, but Blair had said the dreams were some sort of Sentinel warning system, and Xander wasn't sure he wanted to be in the middle of a warning.

"Not exactly," Jim said as he came in and dropped onto the couch. "You two aren't going to let this drop, are you?"

"Not a chance, man. Not a chance," Blair agreed as he came over and sat on the arm of the couch nearest Jim. For his part Xander kept his mouth closed and retreated to the chair despite a growing nervousness that made him want to fill the silence with noise, any noise.

"I saw a cat... Xander's spirit animal."

"I have a spirit animal?" Xander asked, shocked. "And it's a cat? I always figured if I had one it'd be a hyena what with the possession, but then again Dru with her crazy talk did call me a kitten, which really is not high on the list of animal names a man wants to hear applied to himself," Xander said, shock blasting his resolve to not talk. You couldn't spend years half-listening to Willow without knowing that having a spirit animal was big. Really big.

"It's a cat," Jim confirmed, ignoring the rest. "You were tracking something, and I tried to keep up, but you kept disappearing into the underbrush."

"He got away from you?" Blair interjected. "The great Sentinel couldn't keep up?" Blair laughed as he used his leg to nudge Jim playfully.

"Keep it up, Sandburg. I'll give you beard burn in places you don't even want to think about," Jim threatened as he grabbed the attacking knee, sliding his hand to the inside as he captured it. Xander found something else to look at before he embarrassed himself again. Stupid Sentinel senses.

"Okay, so do you see a lot spirit guides?" Xander asked as he tried to remember what Blair had said about the dreams. He really wasn't good with learning out of a book, and Blair's book was nearly as confusing as Giles' books.

"Nope, my own, Blair's, Incacha's, yours, and a rogue Sentinel."

"Wait, you think Xander's a guide," Blair said as he practically bounced on the arm of the couch. "Oh man, that is so cool. So when he said he felt Hellmouth vibes..."

"Slow down, Darwin."

"Hold on, I'm not a guide. I'm the normal one of the group who gets kidnapped and hit over the head and knocked into tombstones and has to be rescued. I'm the one the First ignores, the average-Joe middle-child Marcia of our little Hellmouthy Brady Bunch," Xander added. Guiding meant having to watch out for a Sentinel and keep him safe and he was not signing up for Blair's job. Besides, Blair already had Blair's job.

"You have a spirit guide. That doesn't make you a guide, but it does mean you have a connection to the spirit world. It means you might be a Shaman," Jim corrected him. Xander heard the words, but he couldn't quite get the brain to engage. Blair didn't seem to have any trouble with the brain-engage problem because he was already off and running.

"Oh man. But if he found a Sentinel..."

"Darwin, not everyone wants to be around some Sentinel who between the guilt and the sensory spikes is grouchy about as often as not. *I* wouldn't put up with me." Jim's hand was still wrapped around Blair's leg, and Blair reached down to touch Jim's cheek.

"Wouldn't trade my grouchy Sentinel for anything," he said in a tone of voice that made Xander ache with longing.

"Wait. Confused here. So, am I a guide or not?" Xander interrupted the moment. His pity button and his lust button were way to close to the surface here to take any Jim/Blair mush.

"The word 'guide,' it's something Blair and I use, but really a Sentinel works with a Shaman. So, a guide is a Shaman who has chosen to help a Sentinel."

"Giles had this Shaman in to work with Willow when they were trying to convince the spirit of this postal worker to stop with the decapitating of dogs in this neighborhood, and I'm seriously hoping you don't think I'm going to paint my face red and stick bird feathers in my hair. With the patch, I don't think I can pull that off. Now if I had the whole bird sitting on my shoulder, that might be a possible look for me.”

"Hey, I'm the Shaman of the Great City, and basically I just help Jim with interpreting the dreams, when the big idiot isn't forgetting to tell me he had them. So, start from the beginning." Xander smiled at the image of the man ordering his partner around, especially since Jim looked strong enough- and what with his covert ops background definitely had the knowledge- to break Blair in half. Instead Jim just gave Blair an indulgent look.

"I'm in the jungle and I see the jaguar and the wolf lying next to the temple. I don't see anything else until the jaguar sits up, and looks over my shoulder. When I turn, I catch a hint of something yellow dashing through the trees. I don't know how I know, but I know it's tracking something through the jungle, and I start running after it. Next thing you know, I am the jaguar and I'm racing through the jungle at top speed, my claws ripping through the forest floor. But no matter how fast I run, this flash of yellow dodges away after whatever it's chasing."

"Running, I can do running. Lots and lots of practice with running," Xander confirmed.

"But he was tracking something, so when he said he had a Hellmouth vibe--" Blair's voice broke off and when he started talking again, the hesitation had turned to awe. "You think it's part of some Shaman powers. Cool. Oh man, I would love to have powers."

"You mean you don't?" Xander couldn't help feeling a little guilty at that revelation. He was supposed to be the normal one, not the one with some sort of special powers that made people who were normal feel like they were somehow smaller.

"No problemo. But you know what this means? Oh man, if you can find a Sentinel, you could be a guide. You could keep them from losing themselves in the sensory spikes because trust me when I say I will *not* be getting near another Sentinel. And you could help them track down threats. So now it's more important than ever that you train. We should do some tests to determine how you lock on to whatever you're tracking. You didn't even know the suspect, so I wonder what set off your 'vibes'?" Blair mused in a string of words that would have made Willow proud.

"Watch it, kid. When Sandburg gets going like that, it means he's thinking up new ways to torture you with testing," Jim said as he looked fondly up at his partner two seconds before getting swatted on the arm.

"This is important. Oh man, how could he have picked up on our rapist?"

"Well, considering the suspect is a garden variety human, it wasn't anything related to a Hellmouth, no matter what he calls it."

"I think you guys are making way too big of a deal out of this," Xander protested. Suddenly being the normal one sounded good because being of the un-normal variety meant people relying on him, and relying on him to remember the doctor's appointments was very much okay, but relying on him to track down evil was way outside his comfort zone.

"No way man. Xander, I know you guys have faced major bad guys. Now imagine if you had some way of latching onto the evil, tracking it down before it could hurt someone. You could help save people." Blair kept talking, but Xander had long practice at tuning out babble. He also had a series of images suddenly running through his head. He'd been drawn to Faith the minute she came to town. He managed to hit on the only vampire in a hardware store full of humans... a vampire who had then tried to sacrifice him to the Hellmouth. He remembered a feeling of serious Hellmouth vibeage right before following those bullies into the hyena house where an evil zookeeper shoved a primal spirit in him.

Xander had heard of people's lives flashing before their eyes when they died, and when Caleb had stuck a thumb in his eye and come within an inch of killing Xander, he had relived every mistake and regret he had in life… most importantly, never really committing to Anya. Now his life flashed before him in another series of moments. And suddenly he questioned the whole demon-magnet reputation.

"Xander!?!" a voice broke into his thoughts.

"Uh, what?" Xander asked as he blinked and found Blair in front of him.

"Oh man, you scared the shit out of me. Are you okay? You're, like, white as a ghost here."

"Yeah, just… thinking," Xander answered, his hands trembling a little as his entire world suddenly shifted two inches to the left. And things really looked different from two inches to the left. Really different.

"Might help to talk about it," Blair said encouragingly.

"Give him some space, Sandburg," Jim's voice interrupted. "In fact, why don't we go out for dinner? Xander, you want to come with us or stay here and eat leftover pizza?" Jim asked. Xander looked over and realized that Jim was being protective of him. He smiled at the Sentinel.

"I hate to let good pizza go to waste," he said weakly, still struggling with the idea that he'd spent half his life cursing his bad luck, only to find out his bad luck WAS his superpower.

"But…" Blair started, and Jim stood up, and put his hands around Blair's shoulders as he pulled the man backwards.

"No 'buts' Darwin. Xander can watch the fort while you accompany me to a nice little place I call Wonderburger."

"Oh man, not that crap. That stuff will clog your arteries."

"But I'll die a happy man. Get your coat."

"Jim," Blair started, and Xander had to smile at the pathetic tone of voice.

"Not gonna work, Chief. I've been trained to withstand torture," Jim said as he manhandled his partner out of the room, leaving Xander alone with his thoughts.

For several minutes Xander continued to sit and stare at the wall. Then he picked up the phone and started punching the numbers he had memorized while in Africa. The phone rang several times before someone picked up.

"What the bloody hell do you want?"

"Spike?"

"Harris?"

"I was just… Is Willow there?" Xander asked.

"Some big nasty after you?"

"No, Spike, despite the rumor, I am not actually a demon magnet."

"Tell that to someone who hasn't lived with ya, mate," Spike snorted his disbelief. "But if ya don't have some butt-ugly nasty tryin' ta eat you, why are ya callin' at near three in the morning?"

"It's three?" Xander counted in his head. Usually he was only two or three hours off from them, but usually he was in Africa and not on the other side of the globe.

"Bloody hell. You really are a moron."

"Says the man who fell for the fake seer bit."

"Oi, that didn't have nothin' to do with you lot."

"Yeah, but it's still true. Listen, I don't suppose Willow is doing her sit up and read all night thing, is she?" Xander asked. He really wanted to talk to someone and fighting with Spike didn't actually qualify as talking.

"Hold on a bit, yeah?" Spike asked.

"I'll wait."

Xander pulled his feet up under him in the chair as he waited in the fading light inside the loft.

"She's sound asleep over her books, and I'm not wakin' her up for you," Spike said when he finally came back to the phone.

"I don't suppose the G-man is around, is he?" Xander asked. Giles really was his last chance to get any info on Shamans.

"Git went over to Paris ta talk to the froggies 'bout some demon treaty."

"That's sucky," Xander complained. "Not to mention completely offensive," he added when he finally registered Spike's French-bashing.

"Oi, didn't know you were the thought police."

"Yeah, well someone needs to police your thoughts because you obviously don't. Offensive much?"

"You're the one callin' *me*. So if ya don't want to hear my opinions, ya can just bloody hang up."

"What do you know about Shamans?" Xander blurted before his brain could tell his mouth to just say 'goodbye' and hang up.

"Ya mean like the voodoo Shamans?" Spike asked cautiously. "Told ya not ta mess with anything big enough ta kill ya, didn't I?"

"I'm not 'messing' with a Shaman, and what you told me was to stay away from demons large enough to eat me."

"Close enough. So what the hell are ya into over there?"

"It's just that Blair, the guy who works with the Sentinel, is a Shaman and I was just wondering what it really meant to be a Shaman since Blair seems to be of the normal." Xander shifted uncomfortably, and really he didn't know why since he wasn't technically lying. And even if he was lying, it was Spike which meant it didn't morally count as lying.

"Shaman are a strange lot. Most do seem normal when they aren't puttin' on a bone and bell rattle show for the tourists. But their powers... well, ya just don't mess with 'em since ya can't tell their powers until ya piss 'em off." Spike's voice carried a clear warning.

"So, do they all have powers?" Xander asked, as nonchalantly as he could fake.

"It's what makes them Shamans. Some just have more than others. So, if this git seems normal, what makes you think he's a Shaman?"

"Jim, the Sentinel, says he can see the spirit animals of Shaman and Sentinels. Hey, why animals?"

"How the bloody hell should I know?"

"But is it true? Do Shaman all have a spirit animal?"

"Seems like. Played poker with one who claimed his power totem was lightning, but who the hell knows. Could be his spirit animal was a dormouse and he just didn't want to admit it."

"Wait. You played *poker* with a Shaman?"

"Did until I figured out his power let him tell who was bluffing. Soddin' cheat."

"But a Shaman playing poker?" Xander demanded. He had an image of a man with lines of red painted across his cheeks holding cards with one hand and a staff with eagle feathers in the other hand.

"You said yourself that this Shaman you met seems normal. Shaman aren't saints, and they're just as likely to have human faults as anyone else."

Xander thought about that. So being a Shaman didn't have to change who he was, but just knowing that he had this power somewhere in there made him feel... well, it make life make this weird sort of sense at the same time that it completely creeped him out.

"Xander, if you're uncomfortable 'round there at all, ya need ta get out of there. Don't care how normal this guy seems, if he's a Shaman, he's got some ace in the hole. Ya can't let down your guard."

"Gee, you sound almost concerned, Bloodbreath," Xander sniped about two seconds before his brain could point out that it was kinda nice talking to Spike without fighting.

"Not bloody likely," Spike snapped back. "But if you get your pathetic arse killed, the girls are goin' to be in a foul mood for months. Not goin' to put up with the Bit mopin' around like Peaches for the next six months because you're too stupid to keep your own arse out of trouble."

"Well if I did get killed, I'd be dead a lot longer than six months, so not feeling sorry for you here. And actually, not planning on dying, at least not soon, so why are we having this conversation?" Xander asked as he lost track of what they were even arguing about.

"I've had better arguments with a turnip," Spike groused, and then the phone line went dead. Xander held the phone for several minutes before setting it back down and going for the pizza. If life had taught him nothing else, it had taught him that nothing was so bad or so confusing that cold pizza couldn't fix it.

Part Seven

Two weeks into guide training, Xander was nearly as cranky as Jim. Of course the fact that Blair kept trying to sneak in tests of Xander's new-found tracking powers didn't exactly help matters. Unfortunately, Blair had a resolve face and pouty-eyes that made Willow seem like a rank amateur. At night, lying on the futon in the office, Xander would swear that he wasn't going to do one more of Blair's tests. The next morning, he would shave and shower while giving himself a pep talk about not doing any more tests. He would sit at breakfast while Blair drank green sludge and order himself to not go along with any more tests.

Then they would be on the street, and Blair would start bouncing with some new theory, and Xander would find himself trying to track someone from a clinical forensic description of some horrible and brutal murder. Like now.

"Okay, just clear your mind and try to focus. The star he carves into their backs... that should be unique enough, so just clear your mind and focus on the feeling the killer must get when he's carving her flesh."

"Have I told you lately how much I hate this?" Xander asked as he really tried to clear his mind. He hadn't always been on good terms with his brain, though, and it showed now as the attempt to clear it meant that a thousand images flooded it, from the fact that he needed to get to the Laundromat soon to the memory of Spike's fists flying under the full moon.

"Jim, you gotta help me out here. He's testing me to death," Xander looked past Blair to the smirking man behind the wheel. "There's got to be some law about homicide by test, right?"

"Not a chance, kid. I try to save you, and he's going to have me trying to identify perfumes from across a mall. You're on your own."

"Oh man. That would be... I wonder if you could actually do that. We already know you can piggyback your hearing on to sight, so I don't see why you couldn't do the same for smell. Why didn't I think of that?"

This time Xander smirked as Jim's shoulders hunched.

"No way, Darwin."

"Come on, Jim."

"Shouldn't you be focusing on the test you already have running?" Jim asked, and Xander shot the ex-soldier a dirty look.

"Traitor," Xander hissed.

"All's fair in love and testing, Sport. Suck it up." Jim answered as he turned the corner and brought the truck to a stop.

"I've got an interview to do. You and Sandburg can keep working on the vibe from here, right?"

"Yeah, no problem," Blair answered at the same time Xander gave a firm, "No!" Jim gave Blair an evil smile before slamming the driver side door shut with him safely on the other side.

"Coward," Xander said to the closed door, not even doubting that Jim would hear it.

"Come on, Xander. Just close your eyes and clear your mind of everything except the case."

"You do know that the minute you say that, the brain instantly goes into hyper-drive, right?"

"Just take deep cleansing breaths."

"Not my breathing I'm having a problem with. Been breathing my whole life without problems, but clearing out the brain? Okay, true, the brain is usually kinda clear of actual useful information, but getting all the useless stuff to clear out is not as easy as breathing." Xander sighed and looked out the window. He wanted to find this killer, he really did, but he just couldn't seem to focus today.

"Okay, let's try something different," Blair said in a voice that was just as enthusiastic when Xander had really been expecting a whole lot more exasperation and a whole lot less patience. "A lot of times when people have trouble clearing their minds it's because their subconscious is trying to send them some sort of message. So, what keeps coming into your mind."

"I have to get my laundry done soon," Xander said as he looked back to Blair with an expression that challenged the man to find a hidden meaning in that.

"Oh man, do you normally spend a lot of time worried about your laundry?"

"Not generally. Usually a sniff test with the underwear and I'm good to go," Xander admitted.

"Okay, that might have been a little too much information, man," Blair laughed. "But I'm betting that you're worried about the fact that a Sentinel can do a sniff test from the next floor down."

The minute Blair said those words, Xander realized the man was right. He didn't really care if his clothes weren't springtime fresh, but the idea of Jim smelling him… kinda ew, both from the smeller and the smellee sides.

"Maybe," he admitted.

"Which is one item taken care of because Jim dials down at home. He isn't smelling your laundry any more than I am, and I'll show you the laundry room in the basement when we get home. So, what else is running through that overactive brain of yours?"

Xander snorted, and then shrugged when Blair gave him a confused look. "People don't normally describe my brain as overactive," he admitted. "Why don't you try reading that file again," Xander asked as he braced his stomach for another round of gore that rivaled the inside out swim team members."

"Oh man, that was the saddest piece of distraction I've ever seen someone try. If you can't clear your mind, that means that you need to deal with whatever is interfering with your ability to concentrate. Keeping it in just corrupts your chi, man. Blocked energies create havoc in the body."

"Some things should stay blocked," Xander said dryly as he imagined what Willow would say about the other thing getting unblocked.

"Man, you are sounding more like Jim every day. He is *not* a good influence on you," Blair said with an elbow in Xander's side. Grabbed at the arm and they had a friend game of tug of war before Xander lost due to a quick finger jab in the side. As soon as Blair retrieved his own arm, he sat back and look at Xander, clearly waiting for an answer. Xander tried avoiding that look, but as the silence continued, he squirmed with the need to fill that empty space with sound.

"There are just things I don't want to talk about," Xander finally insisted, unable to keep silent any more.

"Like Spike?" Blair asked softly, and Xander sucked his breath in through clenched teeth.

"Wha…? Just don't go there," Xander finally managed to spit out.

"For someone you don't want to talk about, you talk about him a lot," Blair said as he leaned forward and dropped the clipboard with the case information on the dash.

"This is me doing the not talking thing."

"Xander, you obviously admire him, and from what you've said, he's gone out of his way to protect you more than once."

"Only because he has to. Trust me, there's not a lot of love lost between us." Xander blurted right before remembering he was doing the not talking thing.

"But you wish there were?" Blair prodded. Xander turned and looked back out the window as he tried to rein in his emotions.

"Spike is more about the big romances and self-sacrifice and that is more than a little weird because he was like that even before the soul. And I'm just not the big romance type. I'm sort of the use 'em and leave 'em type. Or the hide 'em in the closet type. Or maybe the leave a girl at the alter type. At most, I would be a drunken roll in the hay type."

"And you'd still rather have that than nothing." Blair said the words softly but in a tone that made Xander realize that he had told Blair more about himself than he had meant to. Blair seemed to get it better than Willow anyway.

"I… I just don't know, okay?" Xander said in a voice that he could feel tremble and crack with uncertainty. "But what I want doesn't really matter since the only thing he feels for me is contempt."

"I don't know what to say about that, Xander, but your powers… they're incredible. Simon said that we should offer you a job and he'd find a way to get the paperwork through. He was floored with how you tracked Kent and then Luther, and Simon does not impress easily."

"Maybe," Xander said, suspecting that even Giles would be impressed with his growing ability to control the evil vibe that had always hovered just below the surface. Not that he'd been telling anyone. In fact he'd been big with the not telling in his reports.

"So I don't think he'd feel contempt if you showed your strength. And he does seem to worry. Gotta say ordering you to not get eaten is a strange way of showing concern, but a rose by any other name, man." Blair reached out and put a warm hand on Xander's arm, and that alone was enough to make him take a deep shuddering breath as he tried not to lose it at such a small gesture.

"You obviously don't know Spike or you'd be pulling a Willow on me and trying to keep us on opposite sides of the globe," Xander said as he pulled back, the touch painful because of all the things it reminded him of not having.

"But that doesn't seem to be keeping him off your mind. And I may not know Spike, but I know how you see Spike. I know about a vampire who fought to get his own soul because he didn't want to hurt the people he loved any more. And I know that you let him live with you twice, and with your ability to sense evil, I'm taking that as a character reference." Blair didn't reach out again, but the words struck Xander deeply.

"But… I didn't really *let* him live with me," Xander argued.

"But you flew to LA to try and find him after the world nearly ended, and you feel safer with him than with Angel who everyone seems to see as the champion."

"Okay, Angel… just no. Every time I'm around him, I get the vibe big time. It's like he's carrying around this big well of evil and I keep expecting him to slip and drop all our asses into it."

"And you don't get that from Spike?"

"Hell no. He's just more the annoy-you-to-death type. Unless you really piss him off and then he's the snap your neck type. But he's not the torture and maim and throw the world into hell type."

"Oh man, there could be a whole new field of psychology here."

"Yeah, if your test subjects didn't eat you," Xander pointed out.

"True. So, if you trust Spike and you're interested in Spike and you are starting to have more confidence in yourself, it sounds like you need to make a decision."

"I'm not big on the good decision-making. I tend to go more for the cowardly avoidance and occasional denial," Xander said with a shrug.

"Well, you have lots of options here. You could be lusting after Spike as a way to avoid forming any other relationship. It's equally possible that after Anya's death you're attracted to someone who can't die. On the other hand, you could be feeling compatibility there. Sounds like it's time for some serious meditation."

"It's like having a Hellmouth psychiatrist. I wonder if there's money in that field? Considering there's still one active Hellmouth in Cleveland and a second in Uruguay, you could have a nice little client base," Xander joked.

"Xander, what's bothering you?"

"Nothing,"

"Says the man who's joking and fidgeting and sweating despite the fact that it's cold in here," Blair pointed out.

"Pushy," Xander complained.

"Oh man, you have no idea. Your powers are sidetracked by whatever is bothering you, and you've got to work through it. I know- close your eyes and we can do some light hypnosis. You know, pull it up into the light so to speak." Blair's words made Xander choke as he considered *this* issue coming into the light, and just no.

"I already know what's bothering me, and as Jim would say, it's not polite conversation."

"What the hell does Jim know? We aren't polite people, so polite conversation is so totally not required," Blair said lightly.

"Blair." Xander’s voice was heavy.

"I'm going to keep being this annoying until you cough it up."

"Listen…"

"Possibly even more annoying. I'll wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you to describe your dreams. I'll play my aboriginal music until your head throbs. I'll nag you until you consider taking a dive off the balcony." Blair’s voice was teasing, but his gaze was steady.

"Is this how you get your way with Jim?" Xander asked as he faced Blair's determined expression.

"Totally, man… totally."

"Look, it's really something personal."

"It's really interfering with your tracking, and man, you have to learn how to process these emotions."

"It scares me, okay?" Xander finally snapped, and then he pressed his lips together as he realized he had said too much.

"Spike scares you?"

"No," Xander said cautiously, praying for Blair to just drop it there.

"Oh," Blair said in a voice that made it clear he had figured it out. Xander blushed, he just knew he was vivid red. Not of the good. "Xander, that's normal. I was kinda freaked myself, and I started with a partner who has an instinctive need to protect me. Spike's instincts may work against him in this department."

"He tried to rape Buffy. I don't… I know he's different now and even back then, he didn't want to hurt her, but he's a demon and his instincts sometimes don't match up with human needs. Or human biology," Xander nearly whispered. This fact had stopped him more effectively than Willow's quiet disapproval or Spike's contempt or his own sense of self-preservation, which wasn't actually very good.

"You think he'd hurt you," Blair nearly whispered.

"Not on purpose," Xander admitted, "but yeah."

"Oh, Xander," Blair said softly, and Xander flinched away from the pity and sympathy he could feel starting to gather.

"Okay, how did you two get on? Any vibes to chase down yet?" Jim asked brusquely as he pulled open the truck door. "I just completely blew out with Mr. Andrews, so any leads would be more than welcome."

"Um, no luck, sorry," Xander said as he ducked his head and felt the heat in his face intensify.

"Not a problem. We were solving crimes before you came along… it's just nice to solve a crime without giving myself a headache sniffing the carpet," Jim offered. "You can catch the next bad guy, Sport. Since you're not vibing, why don't we drop you off at the loft so you can write up some of those reports you need to send back to your group?"

"Um, sure," Xander said as Jim started the truck. The offer was just so reasonable, so logical that he couldn't quite figure out why he was suddenly suspicious.