Butterfly kisses 8

[lit_gal]

"The Cost of Butterfly Kisses." The title is an allusion to THIS song, which will totally ruin the surprise for you if you haven't read the first chapter.

The Cost of Butterfly Kisses, Part Eight

Fandom/Pairing: BtVS, Spike/Xander

Rated: TEEN (we're still in the manipulation stages here)
Summary: There's nothing Xander wouldn't do for family.

Boy, this prompt begged for angst:  It would all be so much easier, he thought despairingly, if he could just be honest about who and what he really was

(Chapter One... )  ( Chapter Two... )  ( Chapter Three... ) ( Chapter Four... ) ( Chapter Five )   ( Chapter Six )   ( Chapter 7 )

Xander picked at the hem of one of his few good shirts. He'd had meetings at work today--the foreman had asked him to explain to the boss why they were having problems with the materials. Xander still wasn't sure whether Frank really trusted him or whether he was afraid the boss was going to fire someone on the spot and he just didn't want to be the one standing in the spot at the time.

"I can't do this," Willow sobbed. Xander scooted closer and put his hand on her back awkwardly. He wasn't sure the proper words of comfort when your friend was the one who had totally screwed up instead of the one getting dumped on because of someone else's screw up. He had lots of practice with that last one. It seemed like Willow was always taking the blame for him or Jesse in school, and then Buffy had shown up and Willow had suddenly become half of the Buffy-and-Willow team of destruction. If it weren't for the fact that Willow's test scores made the whole school look smarter, Snyder would have put Willow in detention right along with Buffy. But now... now it was pretty much Willow's fault.

"She doesn't love me anymore." Willow's voice trembled with emotion. Either that or withdrawal from dark magic looked a lot like withdrawal from heroine. One of the guys on the site had come to work all shaking, and Frank had chased him off with an order to get into a clinic and not touch a power tool until he could stop shaking.

"I know that's not true. She loves you."

"She hates me," Willow sobbed.

"Maybe a little," Xander admitted. When Willow flinched back, he mentally kicked himself. Good job with the not-so-comforting. "But she loves you too," Xander hurried to add. "There's lots of love there. If Tara didn't love you, she wouldn't be so angry."

Anya looked up from the box of supplies she was counting in. "He's right," She said, shocking Xander. They'd never agreed this much when they were dating. Then again, when he looked back, he'd spent a whole lot of his time telling her how bad she acted, and she'd retaliated at pretty much every turn, publicly and privately. Yeah, his technique in bed had definitely improved, but no man appreciated bullet listed critiques of his performance.

"Like I am really angry with Xander right now," Anya said in a voice that didn't actually sound angry. "If I didn't still love him, I would say that we should have broken up a long time ago because our life goals are incompatible and every time I took a quiz in a magazine I would have to lie about Xander's traits in order for it to tell me that my relationship was healthy. If Tara didn't love you, she'd just move out without caring." Anya delivered her little speech, and then closed the box. "Xander, watch the front while I go to the bathroom, and if a customer comes in, try to keep them from seeing Willow. Crying is bad for business." Before Xander could even gather a thought, Anya was striding away.

Willow sniffed, and Xander scooted closer to her. "That was actually Anya's version of comforting," Xander pointed out.

"Fifty percent less comfort," Willow said quietly, the joke falling flat. Her hand was still trembling, and Xander reached out to take it in his own.

"Tara adores you."

"She doesn't trust me." Willow stared down at her lap, and Xander had the feeling that she wanted to pull her hand back away from him. He held on tighter, in part because he really didn't know what to say. Tara had good reason for not trusting her after all the lies. Xander was feeling a little of the not-trust himself. After Willow had wiped all their memories, Xander thought she would go cold magic turkey. Instead she seemed to be making bigger mistakes. He couldn't figure out why she had gone to Rack for the big magic upgrade because her normal magic was enough to get her in big trouble.

"She just needs time to learn to trust you again," Xander finally said. At least, he hoped that was true. That's what he was feeling.

"You don't understand. You've never loved anybody like I love her." Willow stopped and chewed on her lip, her eyes darting to the back where Anya had disappeared. "I'm sorry," she said softly, "but it's not the same. You and Anya were never going to make it. Not really." As soft as Willow's voice was, that was her stubborn tone.

"I know," Xander agreed. Willow's eyes darted up to him, probably checking to see if he was lying to make her feel better, but Xander had pretty much came to the same conclusion. He loved the idea of Anya, the idea that someone needed and loved him. He really liked the sex. But no matter how much he tried to be okay with her choices, he couldn't. He never stopped resenting her for wanting money and every time she said something horribly demonish, he cringed. It was funny, Spike was demonish all the time, and that didn't bother him, but Spike was safely lodged in the demon part of his brain. Anya was in the human part of his brain, so he wanted her to act like a human. That was probably not fair... not fair and not nice.

"Tara looks at me, and I feel so bad." Willow whispered as she finally moved toward him, leaning into his shoulder. "You can't know what it feels like to have someone you love look at you like you're the biggest screw up in the world."

Xander closed his eyes. Shit. He did know that. From the time he was five years old, he'd known what it was like to have someone look at you like you weren't worth their time because you were the little kid... the geeky kid who wasn't good at sports and clearly wasn't going to be a chip off the old block.

And now... now sometimes Bonnie stared at him with this blank expression, like she was trying to hide her feelings to avoid upsetting him, and Xander just felt like the worst father in the world. Bonnie probably wished Xander wasn't her father at all. Spike was big and impressive, and Xander was just the stupid human who brought home the groceries, and when his daughter asked him for something, he couldn't do anything. Not anything at all. It would all be so much easier, he thought despairingly, if he could just be honest about who and what he really was.

He was a father who was terrified that he didn't know what he was doing. He was the blackmail victim who brought his paycheck home to Spike and then tried really hard to not notice the human bitemarks on Spike's shoulders or arms. Spike with his vampy senses might think that was love, but now that Xander was paying attention, he was more and more convinced that Buffy was losing it. And yet, he couldn't be honest about any of it. He didn't trust Willow, not with her addiction, and not now that her own fears were swallowing up her life. He didn't trust Buffy, not around his daughter. Buffy was being unBuffyish, and Xander didn't know what to expect. And with Giles gone...

Xander sighed. It left no one. Spike wasn't someone he could rely on and Dawn was too young to burden with this and Anya.... Xander looked in that direction. Anya seemed pretty happy to be out of the personal relationships. She didn't even pretend to care about Willow or Tara or Buffy, not anymore. Even when Xander was engaged to Anya, he couldn't trust her to keep his secrets, and now that they were broken up, he really couldn't tell her about Bonnie or the Spike and Buffy wrongness.

And so, he was left muddling around through the confusion. He'd never been good with this part. He was the comic distraction, not the one who fixed things—that was supposed to be his girls. So he slipped his arm around Willow and sat there in silence.

Willow sniffed. "I put Dawn in danger."

"Which is huge with the bad."

"Tara moved out." Willow whispered so softly that Xander almost didn't hear her.

"Oh, Willow." Xander stopped, not sure what to say. Tara had a reason for wanting a little space, but Xander still ached at the thought of Willow alone through this. Well, not totally alone because she was living with Dawn and Buffy, but still.

Willow pushed away from him, and Xander moved his arm to let her. His side felt cold. "I shouldn't be in here. You know." She waved toward the shelves. "There's a lot of magical stuff in here. Buffy and Dawn are going to demagicfy the house tonight and tomorrow. I promised that I wouldn't do even little spells."

"I can walk you home," Xander said, standing up. Willow was already shaking her head and walking backwards.

"You don't need to."

"Ah, but my self-esteem is tied up in my ability to play the part of the white knight protecting my girls."

Willow ducked her head. "I'm okay."

"Door to door service is my middle name, which his still weirdly better than the middle name my parents picked." Xander took a step forward and then stopped as Willow flinched back. "Unless you want some space," Xander finished weakly.

She looked up at him. "I really need some. It's not you," Willow hurried to add, and there wasn't a phrase in the world more likely to make Xander feel like it was him. However, he plastered on a fake smile.

"No problem. I'll just annoy Anya for old times' sake." Xander took a step backwards. Willow nodded again and then turned and darted out the door without looking to either side.

"Ahn!" he called.

The door to the employee area opened and Anya sighed loud enough for him to hear her all the way across the room. "Since we are no longer dating, I have revoked your right to yell at me from across a room. It's rude. And as you have spent much time and effort to explain to me, others do not appreciate rude behavior."

Xander cringed. "Sorry, Ahn. I just wanted to let you know I was leaving. You know, so if there was a customer, you'd be out here. I won't yell at you again." Xander headed for the door. He was just screwing up all over the place.

Anya stepped out and called his name. When Xander turned, he almost thought he saw pain on her face. "You're an idiot," she said, and Xander didn't contradict her. With a huff, she put her hands on her hips. "Tara has got to be feeling at least that bad."

Xander frowned. This was just a giant mess, and after striking out with helping one half of the Willow-Tara disaster, he wasn't sure he wanted to get called useless again. Of course, his other option was to go home, and while he loved Bonnie, he tended to distract her from her lessons. He didn't need to have Clem give him another crap look. According to Clem, Bonnie was a genius, which clearly meant she had not inherited Xander's brain genes; however, her mom's family had not been big with teaching her about human culture and the human world. She'd learned more demony things... things that made Xander wonder if he shouldn't find a good demonic therapist, either for Bonnie or for him. Clem, who adored all things human, had made it his project to teach her about humans.

"I could stop by the dorms," Xander said. He supposed it wouldn't hurt. He turned and headed for the door.

"Xander?" Anya called when he had the door open. Xander turned to look at her. "Do you still hurt?" she asked, her head tilted the way she sometimes did when human ideas confused her.

Xander thought about that for a second. "A lot," he agreed.

"Good." Anya looked pleased as she turned and went back into the storeroom, closing the door with enough force to tell Xander that he'd been dismissed.

Great. If Xander could just get himself rejected by Tara, he'd have a perfect hat trick without the hat. Maybe he could show up at Tara's dorm room claiming that he needed to know what 'hat trick' actually meant. Yeah, like that wouldn't be pathetically transparent. Then again, Xander was starting to think everything he did was some variation on pathetic.

Comments

[mulder200.livejournal.com]

"You don't understand. You've never loved anybody like I love her." Willow stopped and chewed on her lip, her eyes darting to the back where Anya had disappeared. "I'm sorry," she said softly, "but it's not the same. You and Anya were never going to make it. Not really." As soft as Willow's voice was, that was her stubborn tone.

Well, gee Willow great job at treating Xander like shit when he's trying to comfort you.

"I know," Xander agreed. Willow's eyes darted up to him, probably checking to see if he was lying to make her feel better, but Xander had pretty much came to the same conclusion. He loved the idea of Anya, the idea that someone needed and loved him. He really liked the sex. But no matter how much he tried to be okay with her choices, he couldn't. He never stopped resenting her for wanting money and every time she said something horribly demonish, he cringed. It was funny, Spike was demonish all the time, and that didn't bother him, but Spike was safely lodged in the demon part of his brain. Anya was in the human part of his brain, so he wanted her to act like a human. That was probably not fair... not fair and not nice.

I am glad that Xander has finally realized this.

Jesus! This part is just so desolate. Xander has no one to confide and he's just wallowing in pain. How depressing.

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Willow is so caught up in her own pain that she isn't stopping to think how this sounds. And face it, Buffy and Willow were never big fans of Xander's relationship. Of course, the worst part was that they were right. And Xander is starting to see that he was part of that problem.

I'm glad you're enjoying all the hurty, angsty heartbreak.

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

Just because someone's relationship might not be a lasting one doesn't mean it won't hurt when it fails. It's just Willow's superiority showing up again. She and Buffy were both really great on how THEIR pain and problems were so much more difficult than anybody else's-that's partly why they turned into a duo, rather than being part of a group.

~Everyone is part of their own romantic problems. It's just realizing what particular dumb things you're doing, how to stop that, and whether you care enough to want to that makes you a growing person or not.

[chaoskir.livejournal.com]

Oh poor Xander. He really needs someone who adores him and likes him for himself. Urrgh, Thanks a lot for this great new chapter! He is a lack of self esteem. Bonnie loves him and I do hope Spike will come/get through him.

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

He really is hurt here, more than in canon, but at least he's on a better path, one less likely to hurt Anya and himself with that horrible wedding that wasn't.

[spiceblueeyes.livejournal.com]

*hugs Xander*
I hope this gets better for him. He really doesn't have anyone to help him right now. At least not until Spike gets his head out of his ass.

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

It really is hurty right now, that's for sure. And Spike's head is firmly up his ass.

[mistress-tien.livejournal.com]

You're just beating the snot out of poor Xander! He really doesn't deserve it from Willow though. She really did a number herself and Xander's just trying to be a friend.

Can you give me an idea of how long you're going to leave Xander out in the cold? 'Cause it's getting pretty desolate.

Of course, whether or not you share how long the pain will continue, I'm going to keep reading ;-)

Thanks for sharing!

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Face it, Xander does need a little beating. He was engaged to a woman when he had doubts and didn't seem to like who she was deep down. He was screwing up. But here, it's all coming to a head a whole lot faster and harder. I really don't know how long this is going to take since I'm working with the prompts, but I promise that I do plan to fix it after I'm done breaking him.

[mistress-tien.livejournal.com]

I appreciate you comforting him after you hurt him!

In canon I think Joss should have killed Xander off or given him something else to do. After the Anya situation (canon doubts and all), even with the demon mind-f*ck, he just wasn't a growing/useful character anymore. The show needed its heart, but they weren't writing Xander to be it.

[shakatany.livejournal.com]

Poor Xander but I can't help wondering if Tara might be able to help him put things into perspective. I always saw her as the Earth Mother type and maybe what this screwed up little family needs is a mother figure.

As "The Madwoman of Chaillot" (by Jean Giraudoux) said: "Nothing is ever so wrong in this world that a sensible woman can't set it right in the course of an afternoon" (though even this problem might have taken the Madwoman a couple of days *g*)

Shakatany

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

I think that, unlike Willow, Tara probably does keep her perspective even during this time. She grew up in a painful and abusive household, so she isn't going to be as shocked by it.

[ctrl-issue.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Much like shakatany, I'm hoping that Tara might be able to help with Xander's situation, even if he isn't able to do more than just offer a shoulder for her to cry on. I'm not sure how or if she really could help him, but still.

Xander needs to realize that, for some people, just being there is good enough to "fix" them. The problems would still be there, but they'd know that they're still loved and that's enough for some. And Xander - sweet, goofy, lovable Xander - will always be there for his girls, even if all he has for a weapon is a rock. He can't help Willow, except to be a solid block of friendship for her, because she is the only one who can help herself. He can't help Buffy, because he will never understand what she's going through or how hard her life is, but then, he's never had to go through any of what she's had to. He's only got his life and his experiences to go from, and his experiences say that the world is a painful place, and all he can do is offer it his pain and supplication and hope for the best.

At the same time, wouldn't it be just so painful for Spike if he witnessed Buffy crying on Xander's shoulder when she doesn't want to cry on his (even if it was over Willow's situation, or Dawn's, in that Buffy isn't sure how she's doing with 'raising' her sister)? That would speak volumes about what Buffy thinks about their relationship, as it were.

But, if nothing else, Xander has one person he can rely on, even if all his girls throw him out on his ear. That person? Clem. Not sure how Clem would feel about that, but Clem has yet to let Xander down. Yet.

Also! Poor Xander, so unsure of himself even at work!

I can't wait to find out how you piece the two boys together, or if you're going to have Spike's search for his soul, the First Evil, or that whole shenanigans going on. I'm also curious as to how you're going to deal with the Trio. No pressure, though.

Good luck!

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Tara is not only much more centered, but I think she's more experienced with bad relationships and interpersonal disasters. Willow doesn't know how to handle it when things fall apart not with the monster of the week but with a lack of trust.

And Xander, even if he got to see more dysfunction with his folks, really isn't any better. He fumbled through his relationship with Anya, he bumbled through the clothing fluke and he pretty much tripped his way through any date he had with Cordelia. Those two are not helping each other.

So Xander does need to find people who can help him, and I have to say, Willow is not on the top of that list. Sadly, right now, Spike is not on the top of that list either.

[lil-coyote.livejournal.com]

This chapter is a kick in the chest. All that hurt and everybody striking out and wallowing and yeesh.

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

I do like hurting the boys, don't I? Sorry.

[zilentdreamer.livejournal.com]

As much as I knew it wasn't going to happen, I so wanted Xander to rip into Willow for a couple things she said. I mean really, yeah she's got her Issues, but the fact that her Issues exist does not mean that everyone else's disappear!!!

*mutters to self*

Great chapter and I can't wait to read more!!!

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Part of the problem is that Xander knows Willow is right with Anya. Xander never loved her for being herself; he always tried to teach her to be more human. However, she is wrong that he doesn't know that kind of all-consuming love.

[missus-grace.livejournal.com]

You're doing a fantastic job of painting Xander's lonliness and self-doubt, especially as a parent. He might think that Spike looms large in Bonnie's mind, but he's the daddy. Little girls just love their daddies!

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. Xander really is hurting here, and I think any parent in his spot would be having more self-doubt than they could carry with a wheel barrow. But you're right that he's the daddy. He's the only one who ever put her first, although I'm willing to bet that her mom went out of her way to protect her all-too-human child.

[ambersnake]

You're gonna make me bawl real soon if you keep this up. Man, I'd love to hear from Bonnie how she feels about things. Xander with his numerous issues is about as unreliable a narrator as you can get.

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Oh I know this is all hurty, but this is not a pleasant season, which is why I tend to avoid it, and the poison needs to be drained.

[zazreil.livejournal.com]

Poor guy - he always tries so hard to do the right thing and always has it come back and bite him. Even Josh treated him like dirt half the time. Looking forward to Spike coming to his senses

Zaz

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Xander's attempts to do the right thing may not always be well thought-out or effective, but he always tries!

[smokiquartz.livejournal.com]

Another great chapter!
Poor Xander though.
I really want to snuggle him and feed him cookies.

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Xander is really hurty here. He could use with the snuggling and cookies.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

Poor Xander, taking all the blame onto himself. Especially in the case of Willow he's not the one at fault. I think this was a better break up for him and Anya than what happened in canon by far.

You have very effectively isolated Xander, but he has responsibilities which will not allow him to go self destructive. I do wonder what his outlet will be.

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Xander really isn't to blame, but I think he was always bothered when he couldn't fix things, either because the girls wouldn't listen to him (Hello, vampires evil) or because he was absolutely clueless (Cordelia after the kiss).

BK 8

[catservant66.livejournal.com]

Man, angst everywhere. And I have a feeling we have a few more turns of the crank before we get to crisis point...

Re: BK 8

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I'll admit that I'm wallowing in the angst. Season six begs for it.

[laazikaat.livejournal.com]

Both the boys are in so much pain, at least Spike will be soon, I'm guessing. Hope they can find each other soon, life is pretty bleak for them at the moment. Lovely to see this updated

[seadragonlady.livejournal.com]

Just catching up with this one. Thank goodness shakatany knew the name as I had lost it in the depths of my to read file. Humble grovelling for forgetting you were the author I promise not to do it again.

It is an angsty fic but I do love all the dynamics of the group and how this Spike plays them all except for Buffy, who is going to be as Xander has forseen, very bad for him. I have the feeling things are going to get worse before they get any better. They are going to get better ???

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

With Willow wrapped up in her own pain and misery, Xander's lost the one sounding board he had. He's in turmoil. His concerns about Bonnie and Buffy and his own precarious position in his own life seem insurmountable. It feels like something is going to blow up in his face any second.

In all the angst, the idea of Clem tutoring Bonnie on all things human gave me a grin. I'm thinking copious amounts of snack foods and crap television. It's great training for life with Xander and Spike!