lit_gal | Broken Revenge Part 23

Poor Xander, I couldn't leave him standing in that doorway for too long, so here you go.

Broken Revenge Part 23
Dom/sub, BDSM, bondage, yadda, yadda, yadda

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Previous parts using memories

Previously on Broken Revenge

Spike took a deep pull at the cigarette so that Xander could see the reddish glow like a halo around Spike's head in the dim room. He waited for something else, but Spike didn't say anything else, and Xander stood in the dark not sure how to mend the sudden rift he could feel between them. He wasn't sure he knew how to or if he wanted to or if he should. Standing in the dim room, Xander suddenly wasn't sure of anything any more.

Xander stood by the bed, and he wanted nothing other than to make the last week disappear. He wanted to go to back to where he could give Spike what he needed, but he couldn't figure out how to do that without turning into what Leshar had tried to make him. Well, that was kinda assuming he wasn't already what Leshar had tried to make him because a year ago he wouldn't have been sleeping with the evil dead. No, back then he just fantasized about murderous slayers, which really wasn't much better.

"Spike?" Xander called again, almost hoping the vampire would grab him, tie him up, make him stay, take away the guilt because it wouldn't be his fault. Maybe Spike could even give him something to think about before his brain exploded from the babble. Instead Spike stood unnaturally still. Xander waited for an answer or some response, but when nothing came, he took a step back toward the door. In the back of his mind he expected Spike to spin around and grab him, but that didn't happen. He took another step as he fastened the button to his jeans. His stretched shirt was lying next to the side of the bed closer to Spike, and Xander left it as he retreated one inch at a time.

"Spike?" Xander whispered even as his hand reached out and curled around the cold metal of the door knob. The only response was another red halo as Spike drew a deep drag on the cigarette. Xander could feel an overwhelming panic rise in his chest as he turned the knob... enough that he really thought he might just have a heart attack and die, which might be of the good because it would hurt less.

Xander pulled the door open and then he found himself fleeing down the hallway, his bare feet pounding down the threadbare carpeting as he fled away from Spike and away from the stairs that led to the lobby and away from everything familiar as he ran down corridors that were increasingly dusty and unused.

Turning one corner after another, he charged up a set of narrow stairs into a section of the hotel that must have once been scheduled for a renovation that never happened, boards stacked up along the wall and unwrapped rolls of ugly wallpaper propped up in door jams. When Xander stubbed a bare toe against an abandoned hammer in the middle of the hall, he stumbled and went down to his knees.

Somehow getting up took more energy than he could find in himself. Instead he scooted over to the wall where he could sit with his back braced against the decaying wall and pull his knees up to his chest and cry. Somehow standing up for himself and walking away from Spike didn't make him feel stronger... it just made him feel lost.

Xander tried to let go and cry, but he found his eyes dry as he stared at the cobweb decorating the doorjam across the hall, tiny white threads stretching from one side to the other, a masterpiece in buggy building, and Xander felt a need to go over and rip it apart. Not logical, but he really wasn't feeling big on the logic lately. Of course he was too tired to even lift his head from his knees much less crawl the whole five feet to the other side of the hallway. So instead he sat and let his mind slowly wind down to nothing as he stared at the milky strands.

"Xander?" a deep voice asked, and Xander knew the voice and ignored it. It wasn't the voice he wanted to hear, and he didn't want to want to hear that voice, and he really needed to find a good therapist because that didn't even make sense to him.

A heavy body sat next to him, and Xander could feel the movement of air over his bare arm even thought he continued to trace the pattern of the spider web. He could also feel his back sending a warning cramp that told him he'd been here way too long. But at least he was feeling something other than the grey emptiness, so he didn't stretch. The muscle running from his backbone to his right side sent warning twinges of a coming cramp, and Xander let himself concentrate on that rather than the wrong vampire sitting next to him.

"He's pretty upset," Angel started, and then the silence came again. Xander tried to tune his words out, but he couldn’t. He wanted to know what Spike was feeling, and part of him was glad Spike was upset because Spike didn't want him, or at least Spike didn't want him enough to keep him. Or maybe Spike… Xander stopped his brain before it burnt out and went back to focusing on the muscle twinges in his back.

"He's afraid you're going to do something to hurt yourself, but he doesn't want you to feel pressured." Angel's explanation made sense since Xander didn't think the older vampire would track him down without Spike asking him to. Xander still didn't know how he felt about that though. He wanted Spike to pressure him... he wanted to go back to what he'd had a month ago.

"I heard most of the conversation," Angel said, and then fell silent. As the two men sat in the hallway, Xander had an image of the spider making webs over them as they sat silent because neither of them was big with the knowing how to start conversations. Droopy Harris had some seriously mad talking skills but Xander couldn't find that part of himself. He just wanted Angel to go away so he could die in private. Just sit until he rotted away. Leshar used to brag that his slaves could do that, didn't he? The silence continued and Xander lost himself in wondering whether he wanted to just sit and fade away or if that would be more proof of his cowardice what with the leaving the woman and his child and Willow and Joyce and Spike and Cordelia.

"You aren't weak," Angel blurted into the silence. Xander tilted his head so he could look at Angel. The vamp had a pained expression on his face.

"You don't have to give me a pep talk," Xander let the other man off the hook. "I'm not going to throw myself off the roof." Nope, he wasn't going to be all dramatic if he did it. He expected Angel to run for it, and from the expression on Angel's face, he was pretty close to it. Instead, the vamp sighed.

"Xander, being with Spike doesn't make you weak."

"I thought you'd be happy we're not a 'we' anymore," Xander answered, ignoring Angel's lie and trying really hard not to be humiliated that Angel had heard his secrets. Hell, after working in Leshar's whorehouse, he should be beyond embarrassment.

Angel sighed again, and for a creature that didn't have to breathe, he did that a lot. "I didn't have a problem with you and Spike."

"You checked up on us all the time."

"Until you started torturing me. Once you started going out of your way to make me miserable, I figured you were back to normal," Angel flinched at his own mistake as Xander raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "Okay, I thought you were close enough to normal that you could stand up for yourself even against Spike. And I was right." Angel shifted uncomfortably on the hard floor, and Xander figured the vamp didn't spend much time on a hard floor.

"Um, not so much with the standing up against Spike," Xander admitted with a shrug. This time, it was Angel's turn to look at him as though he had lost his mind.

"Xander, Spike would rather cut his own arm off than risk taking you back into the slave ring, and yet he took you back in there. Why do you think he did that?"

"Masochistic?" Xander joked, but his humor just made Angel stare at him blankly.

"He never treated you like a slave." Angel's voice was soft and slow as though talking to some mentally impaired child, and Xander clamped down on an urge to hit him.

"Hello? Chains and spankings, not that I really want to discuss this with you," Xander said as he went back to starting at the web.

"I can't say I want to have this discussion either, but you need to think about how Leshar treated you and how Spike treated you. If you want to go somewhere else and start over, Spike is right that I'll support you until you get on your feet. But you really need to start listening to yourself and not to what everyone else tells you… and that includes what I've told you in the past," Angel said, and then he pushed himself up. Xander looked up at Angel for a brief second, surprised that Angel wasn't doing the Angel version of a Snoopy dance at the news. In fact, it sounded vaguely like Angel was telling him to go back to Spike which was rating pretty high on the weird o'meter.

"Angel?" Xander asked.

"Just don't make any quick decisions." Angel turned around and retreated down the hallway, leaving Xander alone with his stubbed toe and spiderweb and whirling thoughts.

Xander stood at the open doorway and watched as Spike shoved unfolded shirts into a dufflebag. While he hadn't noticed it before, Spike's things were spread around the room as if Spike had been here a while. Of course, the vampire tended to spread out and fill any space he was in rather quickly, but he was obviously leaving now. And he hadn't come to look for Xander. Even though he had been the one to flee the room, Xander still couldn't help but feel abandoned, and yeah he knew it was stupid.

"Goin' ta stand there and stare all day?" Spike demanded as he turned back to grab more clothing out of the chest of drawers. Xander jumped a bit. He hadn't realized Spike had seen him since the vampire hadn't reacted.

"Um, maybe."

That made Spike turn and look at him. "Wot?"

"Staring is easier than having to talk. Talkage bad, starage good," Xander said, and then he blushed, realizing that he had admitted that he liked staring at Spike. Obviously not all of his Droopy instincts had left him.

"Pet?" Spike cocked his head to the side, a forgotten black t-shirt dangling from his hand.

"Is that how you see me? As a pet?" Xander held his breath because there was something important here, even if he wasn't entirely sure he understood it.

"Wot? No." Spike's voice went from confused to insistent in a second. "Called Dru a pet, and she weren't exactly pet-like. Bloody hell, the fact is I played beta to her for over a century," Spike admitted without any apology. "Just means I fancy ya."

"I'm just thinking... being a pet was the fantasy, but not really up to being a pet. Or down to being a pet. Not feeling pet-like anyway." Xander said as he started breathing again just in time; he felt a little light-headed from lack of oxygen.

"If it bothers ya, I can stop callin' you that," Spike said slowly and carefully.

"No. As long as you don't mean pet-type pet, it doesn't bother me," which was as close as Xander was going to come to admitting that he liked it.

"Right, never did think of ya as an animal."

"Even when you first bought me?" Xander looked up when Spike didn't immediately answer.

"Bloody hell, I was aggravated that first day. I wanted ta find the girls, and I was scared you'd do something to bollocks that up." Spike took a step forward, tossing the shirt onto the bed. "I was bloody wrong. You're the reason we found them because you never would give up on your friends, even after they gave you up for dead."

Xander flinched at the last point even though he already knew it. "Gave up on myself," he whispered.

"No, you never did, pet. Weak means givin' in, and you stood up even when you didn't want to. You survived and held on to what makes you different from most of the gits out there in the world." Spike took another step forward so that he stood four feet from Xander, and Xander suddenly dropped his eyes to Spike's feet in those big clunky boots.

"And what we do... doesn't that make me weak?"

"Only if you do it because you feel like you don't have another choice, pet. One man is weak for letting someone else break him and force him to his knees. Another man is weak for hiding who he is and never going to his knees when he wants to because he's too afraid of what other people will say. I don't know if what we do makes you weak or not, pet." Spike remained standing several feet away, and Xander chewed on his lower lip.

"Would you still want me if..." Xander stopped. This was a demon and he didn't even know if Spike could want him without owning him.

"Pet, I'll take ya any way ya want. Told Buffy a long time ago I was love's bitch, and I haven't changed. I need to love someone, and I need ta be loved, it's part of who I am. What's more, ya make me happier than anyone else in my life ever has. I don't want ta lose that, but I don't want ta be the one that finishes breakin' you."

Xander blinked rapidly to clear his eyes from the gathering moisture. His throat was tight and when he spoke, the words came out roughly. "And if I wanted to sit next to you on the couch and fight over the remote?"

"Bloody hell, I'll give you the soddin' thing," Spike promised.

"And when it comes to decisions, we can talk them through? You know, decide things together, and hell, maybe I'll even work up to eating at the table," Xander was going for funny, but even he didn't think his joke was actually a joke since it lacked something in the funny department.

"Whatever you want, pet. Not like I'm scoring well in the decision department lately." Spike gave a short laugh even though Xander didn't think he was being very funny either. Funny how both of them lost their funny at the same time.

"And behind closed doors, if I want--" Xander stopped.

"What? What do ya want, pet?" Spike stepped forward again so that only a small space of carpet separated Spike's black boots from Xander's bare feet. Xander bit his lip and stared at those boots. He didn't know if he could do this.

Xander took a small step forward and sank to his knees at Spike's feet, leaning in so that his cheek and the front of his shoulder rested against Spike's leg. "Master?" Xander asked, his stomach knotting in fear even though he had done this a hundred times.

"You're safe," Spike promised, a strong hand resting familiarly on his head, and Xander guessed that Spike could hear his heart. "Doesn't make ya weak at all, admittin' what you need. And never forget that you chose to give me this and you have the right to take it back. I'm not takin' your power--I'm not taking your choices."

"But I'm giving them to you," Xander said, confused as he looked up.

"And I'll hold them for ya as long as you let me, pet. I'll hold the power, but it's still your power to take back if you need to," Spike said as he ran the back of his fingers down Xander's cheek, and Xander shivered in desire. "Never had anyone put me first before. Never had someone trust me like this. Makes me want to ravish ya, pet. And seein' as how you've given me permission, I think I just may." Spike spoke in a low, husky voice that made Xander tremble in lust. "May tie ya to the bed and ravish ya while you're helpless to defend yourself," Spike suggested as he stroked Xander's cheek softly. Xander groaned. "That okay with you, pet?" Spike asked.

"Yes, Master," Xander answered, and the familiar words warmed him in a way they never had before.

"Strip and get on the bed, pet," Spike ordered, and Xander undulated up, intentionally rolling his hips so that they brushed against Spike's thigh. Technically bad form, but the small growl of lust from Spike made it worth it. He stripped as quickly as he could and got on the bed, kneeling in the middle with his back to Spike and the room. Xander could hear Spike moving around behind him, opening the dresser before the rapid clicks of a zipper suggested that the vampire was now naked, and Xander felt his cock harden in anticipation.

He could only hope that his lust wasn't overriding his brain… well, that and he hoped that he didn't hate himself tomorrow and that he didn't freak out tomorrow and that he could actually do the whole normal talking together making decisions thing with Spike and, if he was being perfectly honest, he really hoped Spike tied him down and fucked him into oblivion.

Current Mood: blah

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From:

amejisuto.livejournal.com

YAY!!

It's maybe not all better but mostly better and Angel was actually of some use!! And Xander really thought and Spike actually said and it was just so damn good!

Love ya for this! MWAH!

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Broken Revenge Part 23

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