Recovery: Fanfic 100
Nov. 12th, 2005 06:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lit_galRecovery: The Sound of the Other Shoe Dropping(3126 words)
Post-TSbyBS: Jim and Blair start on building a new relationship.
And here is the end of the second cycle, and the end of the gen-friendly part
Check out my progess and read previous parts HERE
bold text is post-posting revision due to discussion in comments
062. Spring
"Frizz, if you need me to hold those damn IA guys down so you can work them over, just give me a call. I'll be happy to hold 'em for you," Russo announced as soon as Blair walked in the bull pen. Blair dropped his bag next to his desk and picked up his coffee cup. He suspected he needed caffeine to deal with... well with whatever Russo was going on about.
"Um, thanks?" Blair said uncertainly.
"No problemo. None of their damn business if you're a fag." Blair's coffee cup shattered as it fell from his trembling fingers. Blair stood in the bullpen with ceramic dust scattered across his shoes as he opened and closed his mouth soundlessly.
"Hey, Frizz, you alright?" Russo asked, and Blair struggled to collect his thoughts.
"I'm what?" Blair managed to squeak. Okay, he had been thinking of switching teams lately, but he certainly hadn't made that announcement to anyone, and when he did decide to talk, he wasn't planning on Russo being his first stop.
"Shit, don't go all PC on me, Frizz. Fag, gay, homo, whatever. Look, the important part is that I don't care what you and Ellison stick where, and I'll go to bat for you with IA." Russo's words only managed to confuse the issue even farther as Blair tried to figure out if he'd been dropped into some alternate universe. He took the two steps to his chair and dropped down heavily. "Frizz? You okay?" Russo stepped up to his desk and looked down nervously.
"Oh man, I am like entirely not okay. What the hell are you talking about?" Blair finally demanded.
"The IA investigation. They called me in for a statement about you and Ellison last night. Asked if I've every seen anything improper. I told them to go be improper with their own dicks." Russo said the last part with great satisfaction. Ever since IA had tried to link Russo to his dirty ex-partner, the man had taken every chance to strike back. Blair could just imagine the expression on Russo's face as he had said that.
"This is not the way to spring this on me," Blair complained as he tried to organize his thoughts. "And Jim and I are not lovers," Blair said, carefully avoiding the fact that he wouldn't mind if they became lovers.
"What? You guys aren't... you know?" Russo demanded suspiciously, and his arms came up to cross over his chest.
"No," Blair insisted.
"You guys touch a lot."
"Touching is not sex, and we do *not* have sex."
"You look at him like he's last candy bar in the world," Russo pointed out.
"I do not!" Blair snapped, and he could only hope it was the truth.
"He looks at you like you're the last damn cold beer on Earth," Russo added.
"We're not lovers. We've never been lovers. IA is not going to find anything if they're trying to make a case against us." Blair looked up and Russo still looked skeptical.
"If you're not lovers, why are you white as a ghost, Frizz?"
"Because I just walked in here and you sprang this on me like some sort of ambush." Blair leaned back in his chair and tried to calm his breathing. Okay, IA couldn't find something that didn't exist, Blair reminded himself. He glanced toward Russo and caught a hurt expression on the other man's face that disappeared the moment Blair looked over.
"Geez, Sandburg. Just offering my support," Russo frowned.
"Man, I appreciate that. You just caught me off guard," Blair offered. Russo started walking away without another word. "Hey Russo," Blair called, "if IA tries to make something up, you can hold them while I beat the crap out of them." Blair watched as Russo turned, a wide smile on his face.
"That's a deal," Russo agreed before returning to his desk. Blair looked at the shattered cup scattered across the floor and he got up to search out a broom. He really hated it when life managed to spring these little surprises on him.
063. Summer
Blair sat on one side of the conference table looking at the woman sitting on the other side. Somehow he wasn't comforted at the thought that his legal advice was coming from a bleach blonde in a tweed miniskirt. The fact that she was named Summer Chapman didn't make it any better.
"So, let me just make sure I get this," Blair started. He could hear Jim grinding his teeth, and he didn't think that he had long before Jim got up and stormed out of the room. "Internal Affairs suggests that the fact we're roommates makes us automatically gay." Summer opened her mouth to protest, but Blair held up his hand to hold her off since he didn't want to discuss the many affidavits that testified to their 'inappropriate' touching at work.
"And if we say we're gay, the Gay Alliance is willing to pay the legal costs involved in fighting this." Summer nodded, her sun-streaked hair bouncing a bit as it hung down to her shoulders.
"But if we claim that we're not gay, the Gay Alliance won't cover us and the union recommends that we accept the reprimand and any other consequences IA wants to throw our way?" Blair finished. He was definitely getting a headache.
"The union is constrained by the fact that policy forbids fraternization of officers in the same unit. The Gay Alliance is willing to argue that the policy discriminates against gays. It's the perfect case. The cases you two work together have a higher close rate than any other officer or partnership in the entire department. We could force the department to admit that you are effective," Summer brought he small fist down on the file that lay in the middle of the table, and Blair glanced over at Jim who still had a faintly ill expression on his face.
"Chief, this is getting out of hand," Jim said softly.
"Exactly," Summer jumped in. "It's absolutely unforgivable for them to target you just because of your sexual orientation. Your partnership in your personal life doesn't preclude an effective professional partnership."
"We're not lovers," Blair snapped, and Jim's flinch was so small that Blair was sure that he was the only one who would have noticed it.
"But if you continue to take that position, the Gay Alliance certainly can't be connected with people who deny that homosexuality is a natural expression of love and nothing to be ashamed of."
"Hold on one second, lady," Jim finally jumped in. "He never said anything against homosexuality. He just said that we aren't actually homosexual." Blair had to admit that Jim was doing a good job of keeping the growling to a minimum. Summer seemed to have a different opinion as she scooted her chair back a fraction of an inch.
"You have to admit that the evidence--"
"Is crap. Two men can be close friends without sharing a bed," Jim insisted, and at that Blair looked sharply over at his Sentinel. Blair found it ironic that everyone else was so sure they understood Blair and Jim's relationship when Blair was finding it more and more difficult to figure out.
"Well, I think I've made our position clear," Summer said as she stared back at Jim. She would have seemed much more fierce without the pink shoes.
"So, we either lie and get help or tell the truth and get hung out to dry," Blair summed it up.
"If that's how you chose to interpret it," Summer shrugged.
"I'm out of here," Jim said as he stood suddenly enough to send his chair sliding backwards. Jim walked out, and Blair rested his forehead on his hand as he considered just how messed up things were becoming.
"Look, I know how hard this is. It's not easy to be yourself in this type of environment," Summer waved her hand at the conference room. "And I think it sucks that they've targeted you. I get the feeling this was personal, maybe because you two are so good and that offends their homophobic assumptions or maybe because of some internal cop thing. I want the chance to take them down." Summer's words made Blair look up. She had an earnest expression that made Blair suddenly see the warrior inside the small feminine body.
"We really aren't gay," Blair said apologetically. Summer stood up and held out a card.
"Give me a call if that changes," she offered before she left. Blair sat in the empty conference room as he tried to figure out how to get out of this mess.
064. Fall
Blair leaned back against the warm rock and watched as the reds and golds of sunset turned the city below into a mirage of shadow and light.
"Thought you might be up here," a voice said, and Blair didn't even bother turning. He knew the voice as well as he knew his own. Better maybe.
"Oh man, I needed to get away from all the bad vibes down there," Blair said as he gestured toward Phoenix.
"How do you want to handle this?" Jim asked as he leaned against the same rock.
"I am so out of answers," Blair admitted.
"Don't have any here myself, Chief. Do you want..." Jim stopped, and Blair suspected he knew what options Jim would suggest. After all, the man's first instinct always seemed to be to throw himself on the grenade when it came to anything approaching emotions.
"If you say you'll leave I'm going to kick your ass all the way back down the mountain," Blair threatened. Jim just gave a soft chuckle.
"You and what army?" Jim asked.
"Russo'll help," Blair shot back.
"He probably would," Jim said in a far more serious tone. "But I was actually going to suggest taking the Gay Alliance up on their offer. If no one stops IA, we could get fired or assigned to departments on the opposite sides of town on opposite shifts. Of course, if that's what you want...."
"Man, you are so busy trying not to push me into something that you haven't said one word about what *you* want. Do *you* want to have Summer on the case?"
"She looks like an escapee from 'Legally Blonde'," Jim complained, and Blair smiled.
"The Great Sentinel of the City avoiding the issue again," he pointed out as he crossed his arms.
"Chief, I'm so out of my league here I don't know what I want."
"What did you want before the IA started pissing all over our lives?" Blair asked. His plan of slow and steady research into Jim's sexuality suddenly tossed out the window.
"I never want to push you away again," Jim said, which was really the same as not saying anything, but then again, Blair had no room to criticize in this case. He may have his whole "plan" for figure out whether Jim was interested in him, but he hadn't exactly confessed his feelings openly. More like he had hidden behind his scientific method.
"You couldn't ever push me away," Blair said as he tried to figure out a way to get his tongue to say the real words he was struggling to say.
"Good." Jim threw an arm over Blair's shoulder, and Blair realized that he was going to have to talk if he ever wanted Jim to.
"I don't want to be the great gay spokesmen of the police force," Blair admitted.
"Miss Rose would be thrilled, but there are people who wouldn't talk to us. We wouldn't be as effective," Jim mused.
"Man, you suck at the whole feelings thing," Blair said as he leaned his body into Jim's. He was just so damn tired that he wanted to lie down and sleep.
"I'm trying, Chief." Jim's arm tightened around Blair's shoulder and Blair let himself be pulled in to Jim's side.
"I'm afraid that everything I built here is circling the drain," Blair suddenly announced, "just like in Cascade."
"Chief…"
"No, I need to say this. I'm having visions of myself having press conferences as the great gay role model when I'm not even sure I'm gay."
"You're not sure?" Jim's body stiffened, and Blair bit his own tongue.
"I have an idea," Blair said quietly, not sure that he really wanted to deal with this on top of everything else.
"What idea might that be?"
"I think I might be falling for someone," Blair admitted, stepping carefully out onto a precipice that if he guessed wrong could send him flailing into the void.
"Funny, I fell a long time ago," Jim answered. Jim's arm tightened, and Blair leaned his head on Jim's shoulder. He would have thought that the sudden admission that their embrace was more than friendly support would make the universe move, make him feel weird or change the way Jim's arm fell across his shoulder, but it felt just like it had three minutes earlier.
"This really doesn't change anything, does it?" Blair asked.
"It means we can take Summers up on her offer without being liars," Jim answered. Blair watched the light fading from the sky. This spot had a much better view of sunrise than sunset, so he didn't get to see the sun as it dipped behind the mountains leaving shadows behind. He only watched as lights blinked on in the fading dusk. They really needed to start moving if they wanted to get off the mountain before dark.
"We'd be freaks... both of us," Blair answered, and he could feel Jim's body jerk under him.
"Yeah, Darwin, we would."
"But if we leave, I feel like we're running away from a fight."
"So, do you want to stay? We can fight these IA guys until they're sorry they ever heard our names," Jim promised with a fierce scowl.
"And if we lose?" Blair asked. He knew the politics in Phoenix well enough to know that that was a pretty safe bet.
"Then we'll probably both be looking for new jobs."
"Oh man, even if we win, we're screwed, aren't we? I mean, those mechanics that Russo was getting in a pissing match with, they never would have described that assault suspect if they'd seen me on the evening news as the great gay hope."
"Probably not, Chief. I doubt we'd be able to work in the field." Jim sighed heavily. "Shit, I doubt we'd be able work at all. Cops have an unwritten 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' policy, and showing up on the evening news... well it wouldn't make life easy. No matter how a judge decided the case, we probably wouldn't be able to effectively work together. If we split up and went to different departments where people didn't have to see us together, people might be willing to forget, but that sort of defeats the purpose of fighting this in the first place." Jim scrubbed his face with this hand, and Blair reached out to touch his arm. "We could just take our lumps and let them separate us," Jim offered, and in the tone of voice Jim used, Blair suddenly recognized Jim's fear, either of losing his guide or losing his job. Both were possible here.
"Neither one of us wants that. And I like working with you; it worries me that when you really need to go deep into your senses you still need a guide."
"I always need a guide, Chief," Jim answered. "I made it through those months in Cascade without you, but it wasn't easy." Blair bit his tongue to avoid asking Jim to start cataloguing symptoms. Old habits weren't going to help here.
"It's not going to work here, is it?" Blair asked.
"We could try and make it work." Jim's words made Blair think of those people who turned the desert into a lake so that they could try and make things into something they weren't.
"No," he whispered. "We can't. So maybe we need to find some place where we fit in without having to try." The two of them stood in silence as more lights blinked on below and the shadows slowly blended together into night.
"I can call Simon," Jim said quietly. Blair felt an ache when he thought about Simon and Brown and Rafe. He remembered Taggart's support when he first started and Rhonda's willingness to bend the rules to help him and even Megan's relentless teasing and nicknames. The problem was that he knew now that he would miss Bets' brutal honesty and Russo's rude comments and over-protectiveness and Jeff's sharp wit. And Roth. The older he got, the more he didn't understand Naomi's ability to detach from people who she loved.
"Will they... oh man, I don't want to go through all this back home," Blair said. "I mean, with us being *more*."
"They won't care, Chief," Jim promised.
"How can you be sure?" Blair demanded with the threads of panic starting to weave through his brain.
"They thought we fell for each other a long time ago," Jim confessed.
"They... really? And you think they'd want us back?" Blair asked. Of course everyone would want Jim back, but Blair had walked out. He hadn't even said goodbye, and now he was crawling back and asking that they give him back the job he had walked out on. He couldn't help but feel a little unsure.
"Oh yeah, Chief. They want us back. Let's just get down off this mountain before it gets any later, huh?" Jim started toward the trail, and Blair realized he couldn't see much in the dark. Slipping his hand around Jim's waist, he let his Sentinel start to guide him toward the trail back down to the cars.
"So back to where it started?" Blair asked.
"If you want." Jim's voice had taken on a cautious edge to it.
"Man, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I do miss the rain," Blair confessed. "Rain and decent coffee. These people think Starbucks is the epitome of coffee making," Blair complained. "And clouds," he added. "I am so sick of getting blinded by this desert sun every time I walk outside."
"The low humidity. I get nose bleeds at least once a week."
"Oh man, the pollution. Every time I walk the mountain, I see that brown cloud hanging over the valley and think about the fact that we're breathing that every day."
"And the hicks."
"Oh hell yeah, like people who take guns into Denny's after a Sunday hike in the desert," Blair agreed.
"The worst has to be the damn sports," Jim groaned unhappily.
"They do really suck, don't they?" Blair asked.
"Yeah, Chief, they really do."
"Sounds like a good reason to move," Blair said as they walked down the dark mountain trail. With anyone else, walking the trail in the dark would be an invitation for a broken leg, but Blair walked at Jim's side through the darkness and trusted that they'd be just fine.
065. Passing
Like the twilight in the road up ahead
They don't see just where we're goin'
And all the secrets in the universe
Whisper in our ears
All the years that come and go
Take us up, always up
We may never pass this way again
Blair sang to the mountains as he followed Jim's truck up the steep incline. He remembered coming down this same road more than six months ago feeling totally alone, but now the world had changed. He'd fled Cascade thinking that he had lost something that he could never replace.
Now as he followed the old blue truck that Jim refused to trade in, Blair realized that all the downs he'd gone through really had still been leading him up. Even now as he considered the pain of Jeff's sullen farewell and Bets' threat to come up and kick both their asses if they didn't call and Russo's promise to stop calling gays "fags" and Roth's quiet acceptance and Maria's tears, even now Blair knew he was still going up. He was going home. Looking up at the red mountains with their streaks of grey and dots of green trees, Blair had a feeling that he had finally listened to the universe whisper.
"Thank you," he whispered back.
Post-TSbyBS: Jim and Blair start on building a new relationship.
And here is the end of the second cycle, and the end of the gen-friendly part
Check out my progess and read previous parts HERE
bold text is post-posting revision due to discussion in comments
062. Spring
"Frizz, if you need me to hold those damn IA guys down so you can work them over, just give me a call. I'll be happy to hold 'em for you," Russo announced as soon as Blair walked in the bull pen. Blair dropped his bag next to his desk and picked up his coffee cup. He suspected he needed caffeine to deal with... well with whatever Russo was going on about.
"Um, thanks?" Blair said uncertainly.
"No problemo. None of their damn business if you're a fag." Blair's coffee cup shattered as it fell from his trembling fingers. Blair stood in the bullpen with ceramic dust scattered across his shoes as he opened and closed his mouth soundlessly.
"Hey, Frizz, you alright?" Russo asked, and Blair struggled to collect his thoughts.
"I'm what?" Blair managed to squeak. Okay, he had been thinking of switching teams lately, but he certainly hadn't made that announcement to anyone, and when he did decide to talk, he wasn't planning on Russo being his first stop.
"Shit, don't go all PC on me, Frizz. Fag, gay, homo, whatever. Look, the important part is that I don't care what you and Ellison stick where, and I'll go to bat for you with IA." Russo's words only managed to confuse the issue even farther as Blair tried to figure out if he'd been dropped into some alternate universe. He took the two steps to his chair and dropped down heavily. "Frizz? You okay?" Russo stepped up to his desk and looked down nervously.
"Oh man, I am like entirely not okay. What the hell are you talking about?" Blair finally demanded.
"The IA investigation. They called me in for a statement about you and Ellison last night. Asked if I've every seen anything improper. I told them to go be improper with their own dicks." Russo said the last part with great satisfaction. Ever since IA had tried to link Russo to his dirty ex-partner, the man had taken every chance to strike back. Blair could just imagine the expression on Russo's face as he had said that.
"This is not the way to spring this on me," Blair complained as he tried to organize his thoughts. "And Jim and I are not lovers," Blair said, carefully avoiding the fact that he wouldn't mind if they became lovers.
"What? You guys aren't... you know?" Russo demanded suspiciously, and his arms came up to cross over his chest.
"No," Blair insisted.
"You guys touch a lot."
"Touching is not sex, and we do *not* have sex."
"You look at him like he's last candy bar in the world," Russo pointed out.
"I do not!" Blair snapped, and he could only hope it was the truth.
"He looks at you like you're the last damn cold beer on Earth," Russo added.
"We're not lovers. We've never been lovers. IA is not going to find anything if they're trying to make a case against us." Blair looked up and Russo still looked skeptical.
"If you're not lovers, why are you white as a ghost, Frizz?"
"Because I just walked in here and you sprang this on me like some sort of ambush." Blair leaned back in his chair and tried to calm his breathing. Okay, IA couldn't find something that didn't exist, Blair reminded himself. He glanced toward Russo and caught a hurt expression on the other man's face that disappeared the moment Blair looked over.
"Geez, Sandburg. Just offering my support," Russo frowned.
"Man, I appreciate that. You just caught me off guard," Blair offered. Russo started walking away without another word. "Hey Russo," Blair called, "if IA tries to make something up, you can hold them while I beat the crap out of them." Blair watched as Russo turned, a wide smile on his face.
"That's a deal," Russo agreed before returning to his desk. Blair looked at the shattered cup scattered across the floor and he got up to search out a broom. He really hated it when life managed to spring these little surprises on him.
063. Summer
Blair sat on one side of the conference table looking at the woman sitting on the other side. Somehow he wasn't comforted at the thought that his legal advice was coming from a bleach blonde in a tweed miniskirt. The fact that she was named Summer Chapman didn't make it any better.
"So, let me just make sure I get this," Blair started. He could hear Jim grinding his teeth, and he didn't think that he had long before Jim got up and stormed out of the room. "Internal Affairs suggests that the fact we're roommates makes us automatically gay." Summer opened her mouth to protest, but Blair held up his hand to hold her off since he didn't want to discuss the many affidavits that testified to their 'inappropriate' touching at work.
"And if we say we're gay, the Gay Alliance is willing to pay the legal costs involved in fighting this." Summer nodded, her sun-streaked hair bouncing a bit as it hung down to her shoulders.
"But if we claim that we're not gay, the Gay Alliance won't cover us and the union recommends that we accept the reprimand and any other consequences IA wants to throw our way?" Blair finished. He was definitely getting a headache.
"The union is constrained by the fact that policy forbids fraternization of officers in the same unit. The Gay Alliance is willing to argue that the policy discriminates against gays. It's the perfect case. The cases you two work together have a higher close rate than any other officer or partnership in the entire department. We could force the department to admit that you are effective," Summer brought he small fist down on the file that lay in the middle of the table, and Blair glanced over at Jim who still had a faintly ill expression on his face.
"Chief, this is getting out of hand," Jim said softly.
"Exactly," Summer jumped in. "It's absolutely unforgivable for them to target you just because of your sexual orientation. Your partnership in your personal life doesn't preclude an effective professional partnership."
"We're not lovers," Blair snapped, and Jim's flinch was so small that Blair was sure that he was the only one who would have noticed it.
"But if you continue to take that position, the Gay Alliance certainly can't be connected with people who deny that homosexuality is a natural expression of love and nothing to be ashamed of."
"Hold on one second, lady," Jim finally jumped in. "He never said anything against homosexuality. He just said that we aren't actually homosexual." Blair had to admit that Jim was doing a good job of keeping the growling to a minimum. Summer seemed to have a different opinion as she scooted her chair back a fraction of an inch.
"You have to admit that the evidence--"
"Is crap. Two men can be close friends without sharing a bed," Jim insisted, and at that Blair looked sharply over at his Sentinel. Blair found it ironic that everyone else was so sure they understood Blair and Jim's relationship when Blair was finding it more and more difficult to figure out.
"Well, I think I've made our position clear," Summer said as she stared back at Jim. She would have seemed much more fierce without the pink shoes.
"So, we either lie and get help or tell the truth and get hung out to dry," Blair summed it up.
"If that's how you chose to interpret it," Summer shrugged.
"I'm out of here," Jim said as he stood suddenly enough to send his chair sliding backwards. Jim walked out, and Blair rested his forehead on his hand as he considered just how messed up things were becoming.
"Look, I know how hard this is. It's not easy to be yourself in this type of environment," Summer waved her hand at the conference room. "And I think it sucks that they've targeted you. I get the feeling this was personal, maybe because you two are so good and that offends their homophobic assumptions or maybe because of some internal cop thing. I want the chance to take them down." Summer's words made Blair look up. She had an earnest expression that made Blair suddenly see the warrior inside the small feminine body.
"We really aren't gay," Blair said apologetically. Summer stood up and held out a card.
"Give me a call if that changes," she offered before she left. Blair sat in the empty conference room as he tried to figure out how to get out of this mess.
064. Fall
Blair leaned back against the warm rock and watched as the reds and golds of sunset turned the city below into a mirage of shadow and light.
"Thought you might be up here," a voice said, and Blair didn't even bother turning. He knew the voice as well as he knew his own. Better maybe.
"Oh man, I needed to get away from all the bad vibes down there," Blair said as he gestured toward Phoenix.
"How do you want to handle this?" Jim asked as he leaned against the same rock.
"I am so out of answers," Blair admitted.
"Don't have any here myself, Chief. Do you want..." Jim stopped, and Blair suspected he knew what options Jim would suggest. After all, the man's first instinct always seemed to be to throw himself on the grenade when it came to anything approaching emotions.
"If you say you'll leave I'm going to kick your ass all the way back down the mountain," Blair threatened. Jim just gave a soft chuckle.
"You and what army?" Jim asked.
"Russo'll help," Blair shot back.
"He probably would," Jim said in a far more serious tone. "But I was actually going to suggest taking the Gay Alliance up on their offer. If no one stops IA, we could get fired or assigned to departments on the opposite sides of town on opposite shifts. Of course, if that's what you want...."
"Man, you are so busy trying not to push me into something that you haven't said one word about what *you* want. Do *you* want to have Summer on the case?"
"She looks like an escapee from 'Legally Blonde'," Jim complained, and Blair smiled.
"The Great Sentinel of the City avoiding the issue again," he pointed out as he crossed his arms.
"Chief, I'm so out of my league here I don't know what I want."
"What did you want before the IA started pissing all over our lives?" Blair asked. His plan of slow and steady research into Jim's sexuality suddenly tossed out the window.
"I never want to push you away again," Jim said, which was really the same as not saying anything, but then again, Blair had no room to criticize in this case. He may have his whole "plan" for figure out whether Jim was interested in him, but he hadn't exactly confessed his feelings openly. More like he had hidden behind his scientific method.
"You couldn't ever push me away," Blair said as he tried to figure out a way to get his tongue to say the real words he was struggling to say.
"Good." Jim threw an arm over Blair's shoulder, and Blair realized that he was going to have to talk if he ever wanted Jim to.
"I don't want to be the great gay spokesmen of the police force," Blair admitted.
"Miss Rose would be thrilled, but there are people who wouldn't talk to us. We wouldn't be as effective," Jim mused.
"Man, you suck at the whole feelings thing," Blair said as he leaned his body into Jim's. He was just so damn tired that he wanted to lie down and sleep.
"I'm trying, Chief." Jim's arm tightened around Blair's shoulder and Blair let himself be pulled in to Jim's side.
"I'm afraid that everything I built here is circling the drain," Blair suddenly announced, "just like in Cascade."
"Chief…"
"No, I need to say this. I'm having visions of myself having press conferences as the great gay role model when I'm not even sure I'm gay."
"You're not sure?" Jim's body stiffened, and Blair bit his own tongue.
"I have an idea," Blair said quietly, not sure that he really wanted to deal with this on top of everything else.
"What idea might that be?"
"I think I might be falling for someone," Blair admitted, stepping carefully out onto a precipice that if he guessed wrong could send him flailing into the void.
"Funny, I fell a long time ago," Jim answered. Jim's arm tightened, and Blair leaned his head on Jim's shoulder. He would have thought that the sudden admission that their embrace was more than friendly support would make the universe move, make him feel weird or change the way Jim's arm fell across his shoulder, but it felt just like it had three minutes earlier.
"This really doesn't change anything, does it?" Blair asked.
"It means we can take Summers up on her offer without being liars," Jim answered. Blair watched the light fading from the sky. This spot had a much better view of sunrise than sunset, so he didn't get to see the sun as it dipped behind the mountains leaving shadows behind. He only watched as lights blinked on in the fading dusk. They really needed to start moving if they wanted to get off the mountain before dark.
"We'd be freaks... both of us," Blair answered, and he could feel Jim's body jerk under him.
"Yeah, Darwin, we would."
"But if we leave, I feel like we're running away from a fight."
"So, do you want to stay? We can fight these IA guys until they're sorry they ever heard our names," Jim promised with a fierce scowl.
"And if we lose?" Blair asked. He knew the politics in Phoenix well enough to know that that was a pretty safe bet.
"Then we'll probably both be looking for new jobs."
"Oh man, even if we win, we're screwed, aren't we? I mean, those mechanics that Russo was getting in a pissing match with, they never would have described that assault suspect if they'd seen me on the evening news as the great gay hope."
"Probably not, Chief. I doubt we'd be able to work in the field." Jim sighed heavily. "Shit, I doubt we'd be able work at all. Cops have an unwritten 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' policy, and showing up on the evening news... well it wouldn't make life easy. No matter how a judge decided the case, we probably wouldn't be able to effectively work together. If we split up and went to different departments where people didn't have to see us together, people might be willing to forget, but that sort of defeats the purpose of fighting this in the first place." Jim scrubbed his face with this hand, and Blair reached out to touch his arm. "We could just take our lumps and let them separate us," Jim offered, and in the tone of voice Jim used, Blair suddenly recognized Jim's fear, either of losing his guide or losing his job. Both were possible here.
"Neither one of us wants that. And I like working with you; it worries me that when you really need to go deep into your senses you still need a guide."
"I always need a guide, Chief," Jim answered. "I made it through those months in Cascade without you, but it wasn't easy." Blair bit his tongue to avoid asking Jim to start cataloguing symptoms. Old habits weren't going to help here.
"It's not going to work here, is it?" Blair asked.
"We could try and make it work." Jim's words made Blair think of those people who turned the desert into a lake so that they could try and make things into something they weren't.
"No," he whispered. "We can't. So maybe we need to find some place where we fit in without having to try." The two of them stood in silence as more lights blinked on below and the shadows slowly blended together into night.
"I can call Simon," Jim said quietly. Blair felt an ache when he thought about Simon and Brown and Rafe. He remembered Taggart's support when he first started and Rhonda's willingness to bend the rules to help him and even Megan's relentless teasing and nicknames. The problem was that he knew now that he would miss Bets' brutal honesty and Russo's rude comments and over-protectiveness and Jeff's sharp wit. And Roth. The older he got, the more he didn't understand Naomi's ability to detach from people who she loved.
"Will they... oh man, I don't want to go through all this back home," Blair said. "I mean, with us being *more*."
"They won't care, Chief," Jim promised.
"How can you be sure?" Blair demanded with the threads of panic starting to weave through his brain.
"They thought we fell for each other a long time ago," Jim confessed.
"They... really? And you think they'd want us back?" Blair asked. Of course everyone would want Jim back, but Blair had walked out. He hadn't even said goodbye, and now he was crawling back and asking that they give him back the job he had walked out on. He couldn't help but feel a little unsure.
"Oh yeah, Chief. They want us back. Let's just get down off this mountain before it gets any later, huh?" Jim started toward the trail, and Blair realized he couldn't see much in the dark. Slipping his hand around Jim's waist, he let his Sentinel start to guide him toward the trail back down to the cars.
"So back to where it started?" Blair asked.
"If you want." Jim's voice had taken on a cautious edge to it.
"Man, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I do miss the rain," Blair confessed. "Rain and decent coffee. These people think Starbucks is the epitome of coffee making," Blair complained. "And clouds," he added. "I am so sick of getting blinded by this desert sun every time I walk outside."
"The low humidity. I get nose bleeds at least once a week."
"Oh man, the pollution. Every time I walk the mountain, I see that brown cloud hanging over the valley and think about the fact that we're breathing that every day."
"And the hicks."
"Oh hell yeah, like people who take guns into Denny's after a Sunday hike in the desert," Blair agreed.
"The worst has to be the damn sports," Jim groaned unhappily.
"They do really suck, don't they?" Blair asked.
"Yeah, Chief, they really do."
"Sounds like a good reason to move," Blair said as they walked down the dark mountain trail. With anyone else, walking the trail in the dark would be an invitation for a broken leg, but Blair walked at Jim's side through the darkness and trusted that they'd be just fine.
065. Passing
Like the twilight in the road up ahead
They don't see just where we're goin'
And all the secrets in the universe
Whisper in our ears
All the years that come and go
Take us up, always up
We may never pass this way again
Blair sang to the mountains as he followed Jim's truck up the steep incline. He remembered coming down this same road more than six months ago feeling totally alone, but now the world had changed. He'd fled Cascade thinking that he had lost something that he could never replace.
Now as he followed the old blue truck that Jim refused to trade in, Blair realized that all the downs he'd gone through really had still been leading him up. Even now as he considered the pain of Jeff's sullen farewell and Bets' threat to come up and kick both their asses if they didn't call and Russo's promise to stop calling gays "fags" and Roth's quiet acceptance and Maria's tears, even now Blair knew he was still going up. He was going home. Looking up at the red mountains with their streaks of grey and dots of green trees, Blair had a feeling that he had finally listened to the universe whisper.
"Thank you," he whispered back.
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no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 02:47 pm (UTC)Furious that IA have stuck their big size 9's where they're not wanted, but glad that something finally acted as a catalyst to bring them together.
So sorry that they're leaving Roth and the gang, I could see them all in my head so clearly but elated that the boys will be back with Simon,Rafe, H and Taggart.
Most of all, so happy that they've finally faced up to how they feel and are going home.
And Jim's admission that he fell a long time ago - I don't know whether to cry or smile insanely.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 08:49 pm (UTC)And I'm really happy that they are heading back to Cascade. Blair didn't choose to leave, he felt like he was pushed away. Of course, ironically enough, now they're being pushed out of Phoenix. But really, Phoenix never was their home. It's time for them to go home
no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 03:31 pm (UTC)So, now--back to Cascade! I'm looking forward to it, but I'm just a teensy bit worried that you've already written an episode in the future for the prompt "Broken"! However, it's not the final prompt, and you've been so clever about reinterpreting them thus far (Summer, indeed!), that I'll just relax into this moment the way Blair has, and wait to see what comes.
Thanks so much for this series--I'm really loving it!
no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 08:53 pm (UTC)Now, now... have some faith in the author. This story is not Beautiful Broken, and it will not descend into that type of angst. My goal here is to write a realistic love story with two guys who are still guy-like enough to scratch their own crotches at the breakfast table.
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Date: 2005-11-12 03:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 04:20 pm (UTC)I mean, I'm sad that he's leaving his friends and the fact that they got screwed in a not so fun way but they're together and going back to Cascade and whooo!
Still, I can't help but worry what will happen when they get back.
Ohhh! This is such a damn good story! MWH!
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Date: 2005-11-12 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 06:03 pm (UTC)Beautiful Blair, son of Naomi. Learning his own way. Wonderful.
And this pair of lines-
As Blair looked at the red mountains with their streaks of grey and dots of green trees, Blair had a feeling that he had finally listened to the universe whisper.
"Thank you," he whispered back.
-brought me to tears. Literally. I can't remember the last time a piece of writing did that to me, but this is so gorgeous that I was quite undone.
Wow.
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Date: 2005-11-12 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 09:39 pm (UTC)so much going on here and i'm walking away from first read with a feeling of foreboding & disappointment. As they drive to cascade all i can think is that while they are going "home" being in Cascade will make it all the more difficut to continue breaking out of old patterns. cascade was jim's turf, he was big man on campus & blair left still fighting the old 'you're not a cop' stigma.
And somehow i don't think that simon would have made the type of offer Roth did, nor offer the same support, to Blair re the specialized division in the previous sections. b/c all of the cascade gang are set in their own pre-formed patterns as well.
we'll see if that changes after the second reading later.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-12 10:05 pm (UTC)Now I do agree it's going to be hard, and that's one of the reasons why I wanted to have the "shapes" story arc. Jim and Blair have both faced just how destructive those old patterns can be, and they've both discovered new patterns. And if they can just face the old world with this new attitude, they can overcome Simon's habit of seeing Blair as an academician and the other cops' habit of seeing Blair as a liability.
Recovery 62-65
Date: 2005-11-12 11:16 pm (UTC)Whoa! Talk about a plot twist -- that came out of left field! And to have Russo, of all people, as Blair's defender, was an interesting choice; just goes to show how well Blair has been accepted by/into the group.
063. Summer
Using the prompt of "Summer" as a name was clever! :) She would have seemed much more fierce without the pink shoes. Hee! And the line about seeing the warrior inside the small feminine body reminded me of Buffy (whose last name was... Summers! Can I assume that's an intentional shout-out?)
But jeez, what an ironic legal situation! This is obviously the big push they need to get them to confront the situation and deal with their relationship (like, actually TALK. Finally.)
"We're not lovers," Blair snapped, and Jim's flinch was so small that Blair was sure that he was the only one who would have noticed it. But he did notice it, and took another step onto the clue bus. :)
064. Fall
"Funny, I fell a long time ago," Jim answered. There's the moment we've been waiting for... my fluffy romantic heart turned to mush, right there. Lovely, just lovely. And I liked the realization that nothing had really changed.
But...
I don't understand why Blair was so quick to veto the idea of making it work in Phoenix. Why wouldn't it? They already have the support of Roth and the gang, right? If they go back to Cascade, they'd just be running away (again). And, as
065. Passing
Question: How did they handle the IA case? Did they stay and fight, with the Gay Alliance's help, for the principle of the thing? If not, many people would think that they ran away from the problem and the IA would win by default (and they'd feel free to hassle the next gay cop partnership that came along). I don't think either Blair or Jim would back down from that kind of fight, and I think it's important to tie up that plot thread here.
He was going home. Looking up at the red mountains with their streaks of grey and dots of green trees, Blair had a feeling that he had finally listened to the universe whisper.
"Thank you," he whispered back.
OK, if Blair's happy about returning to Cascade, I can be happy for him. :)
Re: Recovery 62-65
Date: 2005-11-12 11:18 pm (UTC)If they stay and fight, they can't do the job they love. If they stay and don't fight, Jim will probably be fired can Blair is going to be getting shit jobs for the rest of his career. The ugly fact of the matter is that sometimes you just can't win.
That's a much different from Cascade where Blair has already admitted that his biggest obstacle was his own insecurity.
We may have discovered another section that I need to do some revising on. But I am glad I could turn you to romantic mush with Jim falling a long time ago!
Re: Recovery 62-65
Date: 2005-11-12 11:39 pm (UTC)Re: Recovery 62-65
Date: 2005-11-13 01:55 am (UTC)I can live with that.
Just add a line at the top to indicate that the bold text was added after the original posting, OK?
Man, I'm gonna miss the Phoenix characters. Would you consider having them show up in the latter part of the story somehow? (I can see Simon having a phone conversation with Captain Roth, for example, or Bets visiting a relative in Seattle and dropping by the Cascade PD bullpen for a visit and locking horns with Megan, showing how protective of Blair they both are... ;)
Re: Recovery 62-65
Date: 2005-11-13 02:18 am (UTC)And I never intended to drop the original characters. I've very complimented that you like them well enough to want to see them again, but if I followed up on the old gypsy witness asking if Blair listened to the universe whisper, I'm not going to drop entire characters. Roth and Bets would be the only ones to keep in touch though. Jeff is a little to self involved, and Russo is Russo.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-14 12:30 am (UTC)XXXOOO
Lorraine
no subject
Date: 2005-11-14 02:03 am (UTC)