lit_gal | Kin of the Heart

In this universe, Xander challenged Angel right up front--called him a pedophile to his face. And from there, everything changed.

Previous parts:
Part one: Bumbling to a Save
Part two: Family Ties
Part three: Devil in the Details
Part Four: Bad Karma
Part Five: Rust Upon Iron
Part Six: Mending Fences... or tearing them down
Part Seven: Quiet Waters Mirroring Undistorted
Part Eight: Bait, Swindle and Self-destruct
Part Nine: Deaf, Dumb, and Destiny-blind
Part Ten: The Road Not Taken
Part Eleven: Full Circle on the Lesson
Part Twelve: The Care and Feeding of Humans
Part Thirteen: A Little Brutal Honesty with Tea
Part Fourteen: A Slippery Leash
Part Fifteen: Flesh and Blood and Heart

Part Sixteen: A Slender Thread of Sanity
Part Seventeen: The Enemy of my Enemy

Part Eighteen: The Best Laid Plans

Xander opened the door and flinched as he caught sight of the very not ready-for-company apartment. And why Cordelia insisted on coming here was really beyond him, but she wanted to hang out and watch television instead of going to the mall, so television and hanging was what they were doing. The door stopped when it hit the pile of clothes ready to go to the laundry, and Xander shoved harder.

When Cordelia stopped in the doorway, Xander hurried to grab clothes and books, a stray towel and a dozen pairs of shoes, a slimy knife and his skateboard and fling it all toward his room. Everything but the skateboard made it. That bounced off the doorjam and clattered to the floor.

"I suppose you're just starting early on that whole frat house phase," she said with a sigh as she picked her way around the kitchen table which was currently buried under maps of the sewers. Since those were Spike and Angel's things Xander elected to not touch them, not after how cranky Angel got over one little soda can stain on a blueprint a week back.

"This is not all my fault," Xander defended himself as he grabbed the skateboard and threw it at his bedroom again.

"Someone broke in and messed your apartment up?" Cordy asked as she carefully moved soda cans over to the far side of the coffee table.

"It's a new kind of demon. I'll tell Giles we need to research," Xander offered with a goofy grin. The look of dismay and disgust on Cordelia's face slowly faded into something Angel called 'indulgent,' which pretty much meant he was forgiven for his many shortcomings.

Xander came over and carefully sat next to Cordy. He kept just enough space between them to not touch and then promptly started praying for a little scooch action on her part because he was so ready for a little naughty touching. Buffy had gotten some, and while it had not done great things for her reputation at school, at least she didn't have to sneak into Spike's porn to try and imagine just how tab A fit into slot B. Of course, with Spike, tab A and tab A did as much fitting as slot B. And for someone who got that much girl sex to still be half gay was so totally not fair. The gay guys should go off and be gay and give the rest of them an even shot at getting some girls.

Xander held his breath as Cordelia shifted just enough for their thighs to press together. All he had to do was ignore it until she chose to let him reach a base. Ignore. He could ignore. Xander clenched his fists.

"Are you going to stick around this weekend?" Cordelia asked as she took the remote and started flipping through channels. He didn't have cable, so there weren't all that many stations. Cordy, though, just cycled the same six shows.

"I think so."

"You're spending a lot of time on therapy."

"Lots of screw loosage up here, you know," Xander joked. "And my therapist says that my humor and powers of verbal distraction might not be actually appropriate in all situations, so that might not have been the right thing to say. But then my therapist also believes in chakras and energy, and not the kind from a light switch, so I'm not really sure I'm believing her."

Cordy reached over and patted him on the leg. "Believe her," she advised him. "So, are you and Angel still struggling with the weird?"

"Um... we're better," Xander said. He wasn't sure what there was to say. Yeah, he totally understood that Angel was not Angelus, and after spending a night with Angelus, there would be no mistaking the two. However, the little prey part of Xander's brain still sometimes got startled when Angel put a hand on Xander's shoulder too quickly or when he reached out to grab him and yank him back from potential snackage on the fangs of some random vamp. His therapist said he had to give himself permission for the weird, but Xander would rather give himself permission to get over it.

Spike was the real deal vampire-wise. He was the one who snacked on Happy Meals as he so diplomatically called people. And yeah, he had gone to bagged some days and the suck houses others, but Xander pretty much knew that Spike was still doing some eating of the population. Yet, even with the eating of people, Spike weirded him out less than Angel. That even made the therapist do the eyebrow wiggle at him... like he needed another adult telling him he had screw loosage.

Lorne was about the only one who didn't make Xander feel like some part of his brain might come rattling loose and randomly fall out onto the floor. When your best friends in the world and your girlfriend and the guy who bought you couldn't make you feel better, but a green guy who worshipped at the altar of Barry Manilow did... yeah, that wasn't good.

Xander blinked as he realized he had sort of lost track there for a second and Cordelia was giving him one of her half-frowns. "What?" he asked as he instinctively checked his face for random bits of food or goo. Nothing.

"So, is the therapist still strange?" Cordelia asked after several long seconds of just staring at him.

"Is turning blue at random moments strange?"

"Usually, yes."

"Then you can put a ticky mark in the strange column for her. So, what gave you the sudden urge to check out Chez Harris tonight?" Xander asked. He swallowed as Cordelia's hand moved slowly from his knee up his thigh. Okay, so he was totally shallow, but Cordelia plus apartment did seem to imply promises of bases hereto unreached by him. Although with the mess in his bedroom, he wasn't even going to hope for a home run.

"We always do the mall," she shrugged.

"Because you always like shopping."

"I am so bored with that phase. There is more to life than shopping."

For a half second, Xander actually panicked. This woman in his house looked like Cordelia and sounded like Cordelia, but that was so not a Cordelia thing to say. Not even close.

"Besides, Harmony is trolling the mall for a prom dress, and I am not going to be seen anywhere she is. You know, if she wouldn't always be trying to suck up to all the cheerleaders, we would be a much better squad, and she just does not want to hear my honesty."

Ah, that explained it. Harmony had been playing the nice co-captain lately leaving Cordy to play the evil, practice-setting, screaming, bitchy co-captain. All was not well in the land of pom-poms. Actually, Xander had seen National Geographic specials with gazelles and cheetahs that had more love for each other than the cheer squad felt these days. If the cheer squad ever got vamped, no one was making it out alive, that's for sure. "No mall, got it," Xander agreed.

Cordelia nodded, but what Xander was really noticing was the hand slowly sliding north. Oh god. Yes, yes, he had potential baseage. There was definitely potential baseage. When Cordy tossed the remote onto the coffee table, Xander could barely hold back a shout of triumph. Blood rushed through Xander's head so fast that he imagined he could hear the beat of his own heart pounding against the inside of his skull as her fingers teased their way closer and closer to his aching cock.

With a knowing smile, Cordelia leaned in and Xander tilted his head so he could kiss her. Her lips were soft and warm and slick and his cock hurt so bad that Xander was pretty sure he was running the risk of breaking it.

"Right then, you got any good nibbles?" Spike demanded as he flung the door open so that it hit the wall behind, and Xander suddenly remembered why he kept his dirty laundry behind the door. From the crunching sound, Xander was guessing he was going to be practicing his newly-found skills of drywall repair.

Xander groaned and let his head fall back onto the sofa as he turned his head just enough to glare at the vamp. "Hi, Spike.... Yes, good to see you, too.... No, this really isn't a good time right now.... That's okay--you have a good day as you don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

Spike was digging through the kitchen cupboards already, but he took a second to peer at Xander through the kitchen pass-through, and that expression clearly implied that Spike thought Xander had just totally lost his mind.

"Are you supposed to be able to get in here?" Cordelia demanded.

"Wot? Am I scaring you too much?" Spike asked with a smirk before he slammed another cupboard door. Xander and his handy book on home repairs were going to be looking up hinge repair if Spike wasn't careful... and Spike was pretty much never careful.

"As if," Cordelia sniffed, her fingers shifting a half millimeter closer to Xander's crotch. Xander froze. This was starting to feel like one of his really naughty dreams... one that made him wash his sheets before Angel could come over and do the tragic look while sniffing the air. Only in his dreams, it was usually Seven of Nine who walked in on Cordelia making with the naughty touching. And then she would raise the non-Borgy eyebrow and offer to join in. Spike was definitely not on his list of naughty dream approved participants because he had made it entirely too clear which end of the penis Xander would be playing if they were ever in bed together.

"Faith keeps giving him invites, and I so do not even want to know why Spike and Faith feel the need to be in *my* apartment," Xander said with a sigh as he glared at Spike. Spike looked up and waggled his eyebrows provocatively. Provocative... a word Xander definitely didn't know until he had lived next to Spike and Faith. Or Faith anyway. Spike just sort of slept wherever he landed. It was kinda freaky to wake up and find a hung-over vampire asleep on the other half of your bed, and Spike's whole explanation about Faith kicking him out because of his snoring had just been odd. Of course, with Xander's life, odd was normal. His therapist turned blue, her secretary had spikes, his best friend was not talking to him and had apparently started sleeping with her werewolf, and his neighbors were a vampire and a slayer. Yep, he had left weird about eight exits and two states back.

"So, Ducks," Spike said as he stole a bag of chips and then came over to drop on the couch beside Cordelia, "what are you doing here?"

"My parents are being..." Cordelia waved a hand as if parental weirdness was beneath her. Unfortunately it was the hand that had been on Xander's leg. Xander's leg was now handless... and unhappy. Xander glared at Spike for ruining a perfectly good shot at making third base.

"How's the new Watcher?" Spike asked as he casually stretched and then gave Cordelia a leer as he managed to 'accidentally' run his hand over her thigh. The first time Xander had tried that, he had gotten a whole speech on power and empowerment and permission. Yep, his hands stayed off the body without a specific invitation, but rather than lecture Spike, Cordelia just gave him one of her patented ice glares.

"Hey, sitting here," Xander protested. "And even if I weren't, that is touching without permission, pal." Xander gave Spike his best stern look, which wasn't actually all that stern if the swim team was to be believed.

Spike looked at him with amusement for a second. "Maybe I should come over and feel you up instead," he finally offered as he pulled a chip out and somehow managed to make crunching a chip look sexy.

Cordelia crossed her arms over her chest, and the sight of her chest all pushed up short-circuited his desire to complain about Spike's weirdness. So instead, Cordelia took up defending him. "Give it up. Do you see how he's watching me? That's called straight just in case you can't recognize it anymore."

"I don't mind looking myself," Spike pointed out as he made a production out of checking out her breasts. Cordelia didn't even flinch, and the bit where she pushed them up a bit more might have been an accident. "Of course, I could still give the boy a better tumble in bed than you could, but I'm flexible enough to handle two virgins at once," Spike offered.

Xander could feel his face heat up so much that setting the couch on fire was a very real possibility, but Cordelia had on her full ice-queen persona.

"Oh please. Trust me, Xander has no interest in you tumbling him anywhere. His interest is all here." And that was definitely intentional pushing up of the oh-so-lovely Cordelia cleavage. Xander could see whole new continents of cleavage right now, and Spike was definitely between him and the promised land. "In fact," Cordelia went on, "he's going to buy my prom dress for me this year, aren't you?" she asked as turned to Xander.

For a second, Xander couldn't get his eyes or his brain off the cleavage. Cleavage of Cordelia. Round, firm curving breasts vanishing beneath a red top. Cordelia sighed, and Spike laughed loudly. "Aren't I what?" Xander asked as he suddenly broke out of the trance and realized Cordy had actually been talking to him.

"Just agree, mate," Spike suggested with a belly laugh, "whenever birds get that look in their eye, it's just a whole lot faster if you bloody cave in all at once." Spike paused as a thoughtful expression interrupted the leer he'd worn pretty much since walking in to find Xander and Cordy on the couch. "Then again, you aren't getting any, so if ya refuse to buy her dress, there isn't much she can actually do."

"Oh... yes there is," Cordelia said in a tone of voice that made Xander flinch.

"And I'm agreeing with whatever you just said, hon," Xander hurried to say, "only can you say it again now that I'm actually listening?"

Cordelia sighed and looked at him like he was one of those lost puppies you see on the street that's all cuteness and lice and you aren't really sure if you're supposed to pick it up and love it or take it for a good dip in toxic chemicals. And really, that was so not fair because in the face of girlfriend boobage, his brain was pretty much guaranteed to never work. His membership in adolescence allowed for short circuiting of brain through boobage.

"Bloody hell, just turn gay now and save yourself the trouble, pet," Spike said as he propped a boot up on Xander's coffee table. A half dozen empty cans of soda fell off with a great rattle and Cordelia gave an even more aggrieved sigh.

Again with the not his fault. Cordelia never wanted to come here, so he was not on notice about having to keep the place clean. Truthfully, he only cleaned often enough to avoid major Angel weirdness. Angel's attempts to help him clean with the apartment led to some pretty embarrassing discussions of things that he had truly never meant for anyone to find. A teenage boy had a right to a little therapist-approved experimentation. And if that made Angel blush, that was Angel's issue and Xander did not have to deal with Angel's issues. He just had to deal with his own.

"If I'm keepin' score right, I think you're down for buyin' some bloody expensive dress and cleaning up the pig sty," Spike offered oh-so-helpfully with a smirk.

"I'm buying a dress?" Xander asked, somehow having missed that part of the conversation.

"For me, you idiot," Cordelia said as she leaned back and focused intensely on the television. Okay, he had majorly just missed something or screwed something up or something.

"Oh," Xander managed to say.

For long minutes, they watched the silly, silly antics of people who were way too old to all be living together and acting like they were still in high school. Spike crunched his chips, Cordelia crossed her legs and started her one foot to bobbing faster and faster, and Xander wondered why he was buying a dress.

Cordelia's foot stilled. "Are you planning on staying all night?" she demanded as she glared at Spike.

"Yep," Spike agreed cheerfully.

"You could go get a life of your own."

"Oh, I have one, pet. Right now, it involves the telly and my crisps." Spike held up a chip and popped it in his mouth before sucking the salt from his fingers in a porn-worth performance. Cordelia narrowed her eyes.

Girding his figurative loins, Xander waded in. "Is this more Angel weirdness, like with the vegetables? Because if he thinks we need a chaperone, you are so not qualified. I've seen what you and Faith do, and in some cases I've seen stuff that has made my therapist's eyebrow do the twitchy, so you are so totally unqualified for any supervisory pseudo-adult role," Xander pointed out quickly.

"Bloody hell, Faith's a slayer. She's got a shelf-life and the clock's tickin', so she doesn't exactly have time to play at being a nun, not if she wants to get her living in," Spike said, and that actually sounded like his annoyed voice. "And if you think I'd ever agree to chaperone, I've shoved your head into tombstones too often in training. Now, if you're looking for an audience, I'd be happy to indulge any exhibitionist kink you two might want to explore." Spike popped another chip in his mouth and did the sexy crunching thing.

"Just when you think the littlest vamp can't get any more creepy," Cordelia sighed as she reached over to steal a chip from Spike's bag.

"Oi!"

"The truth hurts nearly as much as that overdone bleach job of yours must," she pointed out without a bit of sympathy. Spike growled.

"It's a bloody statement."

"About your lack of money for a good hairdresser." Cordelia shrugged. "Angel may be depressed and annoying and cursed, but at least he knows how to dress. And I suppose he does always have you around to annoy him out of perfect happiness. I know I find you very annoying," she said as she smiled sweetly at Spike. He was making a low growl deep in his throat, and Xander's balls were thinking about applying for positions as internal organs.

"Curses… now that's a good topic. Anyone hear any good curses lately?" Xander asked with a nervous giggle.

"Amy ratted herself again," Cordelia offered. "Or she tried to rat some member of that coven in England and they reflected it back at her or something, I wasn't exactly listening since it was Willow telling the story."

"Turnin' some bint into a rat, now that's a curse I could get behind," Spike said as he pursed his lips and gave Cordelia a withering looking.

"It does seem more curselike than a soul," Xander hurried to agree. At this point he'd pretty much agree with anything if it kept these two from killing each other, and why did he keep hanging out with people who could figuratively or literally eviscerate him? His therapist was right… he needed therapy.

Spike smiled nastily. "Who the fuck gives a soul as a curse... boils or bad hair or leprosy I understand, but a soul? It's bloody unnatural... like giving Cordelia here a soul or somethin'."

Cordelia stared at Spike blankly for a second. "You actually think that was funny don't you?"

"Yeah, ducks, I really do," Spike answered with a smug expression.

"So, hey, kill any good monsters lately?" Xander quickly changed the subject, even if he was a good seventy percent sure that Spike wouldn't eat her. Spike raised an eyebrow at him just long enough to let Xander know that he was allowing the subject change and was not even a little bit fooled by Xander's pathetic attempts at manipulation.

"A few vamps." Spike cracked his neck first one direction and then the other, and the casual ease that allowed Xander to forget Spike was a monster fell away leaving a dangerous and lithe and obviously annoyed creature from hell sitting on the end of his couch. "Bloody things are dusting before they'll admit to whatever is creepin' around the sewers," Spike snarled, and Xander mentally kicked himself good and hard. The only thing guaranteed to put Spike in a bad mood lately was discussion of the latest big and bad who wasn't big and bad as much as annoying and invisible. Spike stared at both of them. "And I'm still wonderin' what you think of the new watcher."

"Wesley?" Cordelia asked with a frown.

"I don't bloody care if his name is Felicity Fuck. What's he like?" Spike went into gameface, and Xander noticed that he wasn't the only one who did a deer in the headlights impression… and it wasn't that easy to deerify Cordelia. For a horrible minute, time was frozen, and then Spike burst up from the couch and threw the bag of chips at the coffee table, which created way more mess than Xander had started with.

"Angel won't even let me fucking back her up with that git around, too fucking worried about me causing a problem, so I want to know if he's as bad as what she says." Spike pulled out a cigarette and lit it, totally ignoring the no smoking around human lungs rule.

"Um, he's…" Xander struggled for a word to finish that.

"British," Cordelia offered. She inched closer to him, but Xander somehow didn't think she had bases on her mind.

"I'm fucking British," Spike pointed out as he started pacing. Xander could almost see the urge to kick something or someone coiling in Spike's body.

"He's not your kind of British. He's more tea and crumpets than Monty Python and evisceration humor," Xander struggled to explain, and Cordelia's hand found his thigh again, only this time she clutched him hard enough to let him know that she was freaked and expecting him to do something about the crazy, cranky vampire in the middle of the living room.

"Is he a total nob?" Spike demanded. He stopped near the kitchen pass through and leaned against the wall, but the tension was still there.

"Um, a bit," Xander admitted. "He's the kind of guy who worries about wrinkles in his suit and brags about being head boy, so he's not really much for… well, for being normal."

"He's not that bad… he's just a little prim, which a little primness in a man is not a bad thing," Cordelia said as she cast a look around at Xander's apartment before pinning him with a rather disgusted expression.

"You two are not being helpful," Spike snarled, and Xander suddenly found whole new depths in his desire to be helpful. They had just crossed over into the land of Spike's demony self. "Is he just a nancy boy or is he an incompetent prat of a nancy boy?" Spike demanded.

Cordelia frowned and then shifted around so she could face Spike without having to peer around Xander. "You're worried about Faith," she accused him. And really, that shouldn't be an accusation, but her tone of voice was way with the accusy.

It was funny, but Angel said that Faith and Spike weren't dangerous like him and Buffy because Faith would never tear herself up over Spike. Spike was a fuck, someone to have fun with, not someone to build her life around and use as the centerpiece for major moral dilemmas. Yep, when Spike and Faith had first gone from fighting to that weird 'we're fighting but we're getting really hot from it' fighting, Xander had been completely weirded out and worried about Faith. Now, looking at the frown on Spike's face and way he was practically vibrating with emotion, Xander realized that maybe he should have been worried about Spike. Spike took a second to smoke before he answered, and now his voice was much calmer.

"I just don't like the idea that the watchers may have sent the most inept git on the fucking payroll just to get rid of these two and start over with a nice biddable girl like Kendra. I should fucking point out to them that their nice biddable girls end up snack food."

Kendra's name caught Xander like a slap across the face. He flinched from that truth, his guilt seeping around the edges of the newly installed self-esteem he and his therapist had been working on.

"You think they're trying to pull another Buffy, only this time get them both killed?" Cordelia demanded as she sat up straight.

"Not like they haven't tried once with Slutty."

"Spike, seriously, stop," Xander growled, happy to have any excuse to push unhappy thoughts out of his mind and focus on Spike's more annoying habits. Processing and accepting could come later; right now, he was going for the good old familiar repression and redirection and complaining. Spike's name-calling was a good place to start. If Buffy slept with Percy West, he so did not need to know that. Of course, at this point pretty much everyone at school knew that, but he would be happy with much less knowing. He would be really, really happy with Spike not poking the Buffy pain around him.

"So, what are you saying? They send someone stupid and just hope Buffy and Faith simultaneously drop dead from demon attacks? Those two aren't going to just stand still and let someone kill them, even if Wesley is an idiot." Cordelia-logic actually went a long way toward making Xander feel better.

"If he gives them bad intel, they could go walking into some fucking trap," Spike snarled, the anger immediately revved back up to nearly full volume. Yep, Spike was in full-out demon mode.

"As plans go, that sucks." Cordelia said with a frown.

"Never claimed the watchers were bright. They're right up there with the bloody gypsies and their curses in my book," Spike snorted. "But if this moron thinks he's going to get my girl killed, I'm going to rip his bollocks off and shove 'em down his throat." Spike reached through the kitchen pass through and ground his cigarette on the edge of the sink before just dropping into the mess of dishes precariously stacked up.

"And again with the crazy vampire exaggerations," Xander tried joking with a weak laugh and Spike gave him a look that made it really pretty clear that he was not exaggerating or metaphoring or anything else that didn't mean absolutely serious.

"Bloody bog-trotting mick tells me I have to back off and not start a confrontation." Spike stretched his hands and it was really pretty clear that he desperately wanted to put a fist through a wall, but Angel had been hugely cranky last time Spike did that. "If that git doesn't give my girl back up, if Slutty doesn't watch her back…"

"You know…" Xander started, pointing out that Buffy's sex life was nowhere near the levels of slutitude that Faith had achieved, but the yellow-eyed glare that focused on him pretty much made his words dry up. He started again. "You know, Buffy is not going to just let Faith get killed."

"Unless that great nit of a watcher sends her off somewhere. The girl doesn't think for herself, not like my Faith does."

"You mean she doesn't tell everyone else to screw themselves while she looks out for herself?" Cordelia asked with a sweetness that hid mighty powers of emasculation.

"Exactly," Spike agreed, not even seeming to notice that Cordelia was being uncomplimenty.

Cordy just stared at Spike blankly for a second. "As much fun as it is watching you flail in impotency, I'm going home."

Xander jumped at the volume of the growl from Spike, but Cordelia just got up and headed for the door. "Hey, I'll just play escort," he offered as he jumped up to follow.

"No, you won't," she told him in a voice that sounded pretty pre-dating Cordelia in its sheer volume of coldness. Xander froze. Okay, he was officially clueless about what he'd done to piss her off, but he had obviously done something, and a big something. Before he could rally with some sort of witty response that would inspire forgiveness, she was out the door.

"Bloody hell, she's got some bloody fucking nerve," Spike snapped as he picked up a dirty glass and flung it at the door that Cordelia had just closed. The glass shattered and tinkled onto the tile in the little entry. Well, there went his night.

The door came open. "Is everything alright?" Angel asked. He frowned and looked down when his boots crunched the glass.

"Peachy," Xander said, still not entirely sure what had just happened.

"I'm goin' out," Spike said as he stormed toward the door.

"Spike, you need to back off. Don't make Faith pick between her duty and you," Angel warned. Spike crossed his arms.

"Fucking hell, Peaches, I'm going to make sure Xander's bint gets home, so get the fuck out of my way," Spike snarled, and Xander started edging backwards toward his bedroom. Yep, he really, really needed to stop hanging out with so many scary people. For a second, Angel held his ground, and Xander really thought they were going to have a big smack-down right there. Then Angel shook his head and stepped to the side.

"Be careful," he offered as Spike stormed past. Spike didn't even bother answering that before he was just gone.

Xander leaned back against the wall and considered the mess left in the wake of one seriously screwed up night. His bed was buried under all the shit that was normally covering his living room floor, his living room floor was sprinkled with chips and broken glass, and his television was still laughing stupidly as Joey Tribbiani did something idiotic. His night had totally not gone according to plan.

"Xander, are you alright?" Angel asked as he looked around at the disaster.

"Don't say it," Xander warned.

"I didn't say anything." Angel got his offended look going.

"You're going to comment about my housekeeping and how hard it is to tell if Spike has been rampaging or not what with all the mess. Seriously... do not go there." Xander pointed his finger at Angel before he headed for the kitchen and the dust buster.

"I wasn't," Angel protested in that tone of voice that suggested that he had totally been on the verge of parental type lecturing. Hell, with his own father now firmly living inside a bottle, Angel seemed to be trying to make Father of the Year, which was vaguely creepy because Angel was so not his father.

"Just see that you don't." Xander grabbed the dust buster off the charger and headed for the broken glass. "And I totally do not understand what just happened with Cordelia. There was a definite lack of me doing anything stupid, and yet, I seem to be in the doghouse of stupid," Xander complained. Angel carefully brushed off the bottoms of his boot with the cuff of his shirt before stepping clear of the broken glass.

"Women are like that," Angel agreed.

"I'm starting to think that gay is not so stupid." Xander poked his dust buster toward the mess, listening as the glass tinkled against the plastic. "Stupid women with stupid rules about what does and doesn't make them mad, and if they would just say what they were thinking, life would be way with the easier." Getting carefully on his knees, Xander shoved the little machine at a trail of glass hard enough to break a larger shard before the suction sucked it right up.

"It would," Angel agreed. "Cordelia hasn't given you any hints?"

"Oh, I'm sure she's given me lots of hints, but none that I actually understand." Xander turned the dust buster off and looked over at Angel. "Do women ever get any easier?"

"No."

Xander sat back on his heels and looked up at Angel in dismay. "Okay, you were supposed to do the reassuring thing there."

"Me lying willna change much when it comes to women," Angel said softly, and from the baroque, he was lost in his own long past of unhappy women. Angel shook his head quickly. "I think that's why Spike likes Faith... no strings or confusing rules. She says whatever she's thinking, whether you want her to or not."

"Which is normally exactly what Cordelia does," Xander pointed out as he headed for the kitchen to empty the canister only to find his garbage can full to overflowing. "Fuck."

"Xander?"

He looked up and Angel was standing in the kitchen doorway looking around.

"Do not say it," Xander warned. Okay, he was man enough to admit that the pig sty look was starting to get old. Aggravated at Spike, at Cordelia, at himself and generally the whole world, Xander grabbed his garbage can and headed for the dumpster with Angel trailing behind. Crossing the tile, Xander could still hear the quiet screech of glass against tile so obviously he was not done with the cleaning tonight if he wanted to avoid cut up feet in the morning. He was actually proud of Angel for following him through the hall and up the stairs without saying anything.

The dumpster smelled particularly disgusting and Angel held the lid open while he dumped the bin. "Relationships are just always complicated aren't they?" Xander asked as he stared at the alley behind their apartment building. Percy West had screwed with Buffy's head, Spike was obviously all screwed around backwards because of Faith, and Xander was starting to wonder if he had any blame that was the weirdness of Cordelia and Willow. Oh, who was he kidding? It was probably all his fault that Cordelia and Willow both had the unhappy going with him, but his boy-brain was not capable of wrapping itself around girl-logic.

"They are," Angel agreed softly. "And if they aren't complicated, I don't think they're real."

"Then we know a lot of people with very real relationships," Xander said unhappily. Angel rested his hand on Xander's shoulder.

"I know."

"I look around, and I’m wondering how the relationship thing is supposed to work. I mean, seriously, the only long-term relationship I see working is my parents, and Angel, divorce would be so much kinder than what they're doing to each other." Xander clutched his garbage can in the back alley of his apartment and suddenly, he felt himself pulled close and folded into an awkward hug with the plastic bin crushed between him and Angel.

"You'll make it work. You're not to blame for any of this," Angel whispered, and Xander could feel his eyes get hot. He was just so tired of trying to patch everyone back together. Play nice with Willow, don't make eye contact with Oz, figure out why he'd hacked off Cordelia, don't step on any of Spike's buttons, try to make nice faces at the parentals. Xander shoved the bin out of the way and let himself collapse into complete and utter wussiness as he clung to Angel.

"Oh, I probably am to blame for some, but I sure don't know which part," Xander said with a humorless laugh.

"Everyone has their own issues, isn't that what Dr. Hahn said?" Angel asked as large fingers stroked Xander's hair. He was losing man-points like mad here.

"Yep, and we can only deal with our own issues," Xander said firmly as he pushed against Angel's chest. Angel let him go, and Xander quickly wiped his face and grabbed his garbage bin. "So, if Spike is doing the freaky over Faith or Wesley or the phases of the moon, that's not in my control," Xander said firmly. "And if Cordelia is being big with the bitchy, that's not in my control either." That part didn't feel quite as firm or as honest. He knew Cordelia well enough to know that she wasn't the ice queen the others thought she was which did imply he'd fucked up good to inspire the return of the cold front.

"You can only deal with your issues... like your lack of hygiene," Angel offered, and Xander opened his mouth to really rip into Angel about not kicking a man when he was already down, but then he caught the look on Angel's face.

"Was that a joke?"

"Yes," Angel said with a slight widening of an expression that might actually be a smile. "Although you do have hygiene issues," he added, and the smile totally went away.

"That's just sad," Xander said, shaking his head as they headed back into the apartment building. "We need to rent Revenge of the Nerds and have another lesson in humor, don't we?"

"Only if you want to be washing Rojel goo out of every orifice in your body," Angel threatened him right back, his hand resting on Xander's back as they headed for the apartment. Yeah, Xander might have fucked up something with Cordelia tonight, but at least he had one relationship that he understood.

"You let me take a faceful of Rojel again, and I am so putting hair remover in your shampoo."

"That would require you to recognize a shampoo bottle, and you are not generally acquainted with cleaning products."

"Funny, very funny. Keep it up and we're going to be in for a whole marathon of nerddom." Xander smiled when Angel grabbed him and gave him a nuggie. One of these days Angel would figure out that a nuggie was supposed to do more than just mess up the hair, but not today. Xander retaliated with a punch to Angel's side, and suddenly he was upside down as Angel caught him around the waist and flipped him. He screamed. Angel just laughed and grabbed the bin Xander had dropped. The only thing worse than being upside down with your legs helplessly flailing was having the other person hold you that way with one arm.

"We need to have a little conversation about movie rentals," Angel said seriously, but even upside down, Xander could see Angel's smile. Giving Xander an extra bounce-shake, Angel headed for Xander's apartment.

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From:

rebcake.livejournal.com

Danged if I know why Cordelia is brassed off, either. Unless it's that her possible romantic evening was torpedoed. I know I hate that.

Oh god. Yes, yes, he had potential baseage.

So cute.

So, Spike & Faith and Buffy & Percy, eh? Did Percy do a Parker? With bragging? The cad. Also, an idiot, but we already knew that. In canon, vamp!Willow put him straight in a trice, and a Slayer could also make things painful for him, I'd think.

From:

Kin of the Heart

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