The Cost of Butterfly Kisses

[lit_gal]

The Cost of Butterfly Kisses, Part 21

Fandom/Pairing: BtVS, Spike/Xander


Rated: ADULT

Summary: With all the secrets out on the table, Spike's world is about to fall apart.

WARNING: TWO CHAPTERS IN TWO HOURS.... IT'S THE RACE TO THE FINISH LINE WITH THE FRIKKIN' TAMING THE MUSE PROMPT.

(Chapter One... )  ( Chapter Two... )  ( Chapter Three... ) ( Chapter Four... ) ( Chapter Five )   ( Chapter Six )   ( Chapter 7 )  ( Chapter 8 )  ( Chapter Nine )  ( Chapter Ten )   ( Chapter Eleven )  ( Chapter Twelve ) ( Chapter Thirteen ) ( Chapter 14 . ) ( Chapter 15 )  ( Chapter 16 ) ( Chapter 17 ) ( Chapter 18 ) ( Chapter 19 ) ( Chapter 20 )

Twenty-One

Fucking bitch. It wasn't his fault. She's the one who'd set the fucking rules, and then she'd had the nerve to tell him that he'd fucked up. Spike fell off the curb and landed on his hands and feet on the cold pavement. His skin itched as dawn approached. He'd have to get to shelter soon, but the house was hiding from him. Fucking house.

Spike pushed himself up to his feet and swayed.

He'd never tried to hurt her. Call him what you like—killer, sadist, rapist. He was all of them. Every last fucking one. But he'd cut off his own arm before he'd ever be disloyal. Angel had gone out of his way to stab him in the back at every turn, and Spike still hadn't returned that favor.

Oh, he'd tortured Angel a bit, found a creative use for hot pokers. But he hadn't actually damaged the vampire he'd called his sire for so many years. He hadn't killed that sharp-tongued bint the wanker liked. Spike stopped and swayed in the gray pre-dawn air. She'd liked Xander at one point. How the hell did someone go from Xander to Angel?

Xander didn't have most of Angel's better qualities—his strength, his knack for eviscerating his enemies, his love of fun. Well, those last two were more Angelus' specialties, but they were still there, buried under the soul. However, Xander had qualities Angel could never match. He was loyal and about as stubborn as Spike himself. Spike smiled at that. Puppy boy really was about as stubborn as a mule. And he might put out all the submissive signals, but when push came to shove, he had a real steel under there. He'd faced down Angelus in that hospital. Spike would pay good money for a spell that would let him go back in time to see that.

A tree root reached up to grab his boot, and Spike went flying, catching the tree in a hug to keep from hitting the ground. Fucking wankers were out to get him.

Spike wondered what Xander would be like as a vampire. Would he keep that loyalty? Would he still have that camouflage of helplessness that hid the weapon under it? Warren sure hadn't seen it coming. The wanker was 'round the twist, but he wasn't stupid, and Xander had walked in there and gotten right under the radar. As a vampire, that would be a powerful advantage.

Running his tongue along the inside of his lip, he imagined a vampire Xander as pushed off from the tree and squinted at the waving houses. Which was his? Fucking thing had moved. He wondered if a vampire Xander would walk up to prey with those big brown eyes of his, his mouth drawn up to an shy frown and his head ducked in submission. It was a pretty thought, especially when Spike imagined the demon then springing forward, all yellow eyes and teeth.

An image of Xander going after Buffy made Spike stop and snarl at the air. He'd never let the boy do that. Never. Buffy was just having a womanly fit of pique. She's calm down and....

Spike's brain couldn't supply an "and." Buffy had told him to leave lots of times, but she'd never smelled of such weariness, like she was so tired of having Spike around that it was wearing her down. She'd gone and turned on him.

If he could just figure out why, it wouldn't be so bad. Dru had left because he'd gone soft on the slayer. Even before he went and fell for her, he'd been drawn to her strength and her confidence. He'd believed she was going to defeat Angelus; he never would have sided with her otherwise. Wait. He'd sided with her. Did that mean he'd stabbed Angelus in the back? Spike rubbed his arm across his nose and tried to think, but the alcohol was making that hard. Angelus had turned on all of them, trying to end the world like some sort of feral dog that turned on its own. It wasn't Spike's fault.

What happened with Buffy... that wasn't his fault either. Spike patted down his pockets looking for a bottle. He needed to drink more if he wanted to make himself believe that. She was always the dominant. All he had to do was follow her fucking rules. Spike's foot went out from under him, and he sprawled on the lawn. It was comfortable. Lying his head down on the grass, he went to go to sleep.

"Spike?" A voice drifted in.

"I think he'd drunk."

"He's way past drunk."

"Spike, the sun's going to come up."

"Can he even hear you?"

"Spike! Can you hear me?"

Spike raised a hand in a two-fingered salute.

"He hears me. I should go out there."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Funny enough, neither do I, but the alternative is letting him get dusted."

"Be careful."

Spike growled when human hands pulled at him. He forced his eyes open and saw Xander's face an inch from his. "Oh, it's you."

"Hello to you, too. Did you drink a distillery?"

"Fucked up."

"Yep, you really, really are," Xander agreed. "Come on, one foot in front of another, Spike. You know how it works." Xander had his arm around Spike's waist and he was trying to walk him toward the driveway. Spike kept trying to get his foot in front of Xander's so he could get to the porch, and their legs were tangling in the middle.

"As amusing as this is," Xander said, "the sun is coming up, and we need to get all the good little vampires into the shade before they turn into piles of dust."

"House is that way, Harris."

"We aren't going to the house, Spike."

"Then sod off." Spike shoved Xander back, and he landed on his butt. The chip didn't even spark. Maybe something was finally going his way. He staggered up the steps, ignoring Xander's shouts and the look of panic on Tara's face. Whatever was going on, he'd fix it after a good day's sleep. He hit the entry and bounced off, an invisible barrier blocking him out of his own home. Snarling, Spike shoved against it, only to have it hold.

"Spike, you need to get inside." Tara wrung her hands.

"Then invite me in," Spike said. He stood up as straight as he could and tried to not sway. Tara looked past Spike, and Spike turned around to see Xander just getting up from the lawn. "Hurry up and invite me in, ya nob."

Xander sighed. "Spike, I can't."

"Sure you can. Not hard. Even you can manage it."

Xander climbed up onto the porch like an old man. Spike squinted, trying to see if he was hurt, but he just moved like he was old and tired. "Spike, I'm really sorry, but I can't invite you in. Now let's get you somewhere sunproof.

"It's my fucking house." Spike turned and tried just ignoring the barrier. It repelled him strongly enough to send him crashing into the porch post, and Spike snarled in full game face.

"Invite me back in or you'll be sorry." Spike pointed a finger at Xander. After the words were out, it occurred to him that he'd just made the most pathetic threat in history, but he was too soddin' drunk to get more creative in his intimidation.

"I am sorry, Spike. I actually got weirdly used to having you around, but after what happened with Buffy, I just can't have you in the house with Bonnie."

Spike frowned, trying to understand what Xander was saying. "I never hurt the poppet. Never would."

"And you'd never hurt Buffy," Xander said. Spike opened his mouth to protest, but Xander cut him off... cheeky sod. "I know you would never intentionally hurt Buffy, just like I know you would never intentionally hurt Bonnie, but I forgot that you're a vampire, Spike. You aren't a soul-having demon like Clem—you can't even understand why we're so upset."

"Sure I can. Buffy's brassed off because I broke the rules," Spike defended himself. "That's doesn't have anything to do with you, mate."

"It has everything to do with me, Spike. I don't expect you to understand that, but I'm not going to let you into the house, and time is running out. We need to get to the van."

Spike lurched forward and caught Xander by the shirt. Tara cried out, but Spike ignored her as he used his weight to push himself and Xander off the porch. Xander lost his footing on the side of the walk and they both went down in the grass. Xander grunted as they hit, and the chip sparked, helping to sober Spike up a bit as well as giving him a bloody headache.

"This is my house, mate. Now you let me in or you're going to find out what kind of enemy I make." Spike nearly whispered the words. There was something particularly terrifying about making prey strain to hear the threats.

"I really hope you don't become enemies, Spike, but I have to protect my daughter. If you can hurt Buffy, you can hurt her."

"I didn't hurt the slayer. She's just playing another of her games. She'll be back to wanting me." Spike put on his cockiest grin even though his gut was telling him he'd ruined something there.

"No, she won't. And I don't expect you to understand that."

Spike pushed himself up and looked down as Xander all sprawled in the grass. If it weren't for the chip, he could eviscerate the boy in two seconds. A quick twist of the knife, and his guts would spill out like an over-filled grain back. The chip sparked again, and Spike snarled and fell back. "I'm not stupid," Spike snapped. "Don't go telling me that I can't be expected to understand. You lot are the dumbest bunch I've come across. It's downright embarrassing that so many of my plans have been ruined by bumbling morons."

"It's not about being stupid. It's about not having a soul and not understanding what morals are. You can care about individual people, but you can't understand us... you can't be part of us. Spike, I'm not saying you're stupid or that you were trying to hurt Buffy. I'm just saying that vampires and people aren't meant to live this close together and we're going to keep hurting each other if we do, and I can't let my daughter be in the middle of that." Xander looked over his shoulder. "Spike, please, the sun is coming up. You have to get into the van. Please." Xander was pleading now, and Spike liked the sound of that, but he wanted his house. He wanted his bed and his telly. He wanted to play with the poppet and go over to see Buffy when the sun set—fighting or shagging, he wasn't particular. He wanted to check on the Bit and make sure she wasn't sneaking around with boys. They were his clan. He'd bloody lost everything except them, and he wasn't going to give them up.

Spike sat heavily on the lawn, his Doc Martin propped up on the sidewalk.

"It's my house," Spike said as firmly as he could. The world was bobbing and weaving a bit, yet.

"Xander, the sun's coming up," Tara called out, desperation in her voice. If they wanted to play chicken, he would, but he wasn't giving up on what was his.

"Spike stop being so stubborn," Xander said. He got to his feet, and Tara came padding out in her nightgown, holding out a dark blanket. "Come on." Xander took the blanket and held it out as an offering. Spike could feel the sun skittering across his skin like spiders, but there was time for him to get in the house if they would only invite him.

"No." Spike crossed his arm.

"You'll thank me when you've sobered up," Tara said.

Spike turned and frowned at her. "What's that supposed to mean?" Tara threw up her arm and dust flew into the air and then Spike's world went dark.

Comments

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

First?

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

That you are.

[mulder200.livejournal.com]

I do feel bad for Spike here but I also Xander's POV. Spike has no soul and no moral compass and right now he represents a danger not just to himself but others.

This should be fun to explain when he sobers up. Not!

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

Oooh, nice. I feel bad for Spike, drinking himself into oblivion so he doesn't have to remember it's really over between him and Buffy.

He wanted to check on the Bit and make sure she wasn't sneaking around with boys. They were his clan. He'd bloody lost everything except them, and he wasn't going to give them up. This bit does a great job of summing up Spike's side of this chapter.

And I love how determined Xander is. Oh yes, and the Spike picturing Xander as a vamp bit was great - using his vulnerability against his victims. Awesome image, and I could so see Spike thinking about it that way.

[dustandroses.livejournal.com]

I was so happy to find two new chapters tonight! I was on my way to bed, but had to stay up and read instead. Wonderful chapters, btw. It was time for them all to bare their souls to each other, and I'm glad to see that they finally have. Xander had the most to lose, but hopefully they can get past this, and will work it out between them.

So much talk about souls in these last few chapters...I'm guessing that Spike's next move is in that direction. But hey, you've taken things far enough from canon that it's still up in the air. I can't imagine either Xander or Buffy welcoming Spike back into the fold without a major change of some sort, though.

Glad to see that Xander is still concerned with keeping Spike dust free, despite not trusting him in the house anymore. Boy's got backbone when it comes to keeping his daughter safe. Oh, and the bit about Xander making a lovely vampire was very nice. Just the kind of thing I can imagine Spike thinking.

Can't wait for the next part!

[devo79.livejournal.com]

Uhhhhhh....interesting *makes big eyes*

Second new Chapter in one night

[clucksy.livejournal.com]

Love it! Love it! Love it!

Love Spike comparing Xanders good points with Angelus' and finding Xander is best.

[chaoskir.livejournal.com]

Great Tara and very brave Spike!

[skeptic7.livejournal.com]

Poor Spike. He wants his house and his clan and now both are denied him. He is going to be hurting so badly when he sobers up. I'm glad Tara and Xander still care for him even if he is too dangerous to live with.

[skargasm.livejournal.com]

Poor bastard Spike, losing his girl and his clan. I admire Xander and Tara being so honest with him and not turning their backs on him. No, he can't come in the house, and their reasons were extremely sound, but they didn't just leave him outside to turn to ash - they looked out for him.

[shakatany.livejournal.com]

Boy oh boy two chapters in rapid succession - yay!

So truths are now out in the open and Spike is out of blackmail material. I really like your Tara as she's stronger than the one in canon plus she's alive! Poor Spike - he's doing things right...by demon standards they're just not the same as (most) human mores. Are you maneuvering to have Spike get his soul or is there a twist we can't see coming?

As always looking forward to more.

Shakatany

PS tiny typo: "I think he'd drunk." he's

[ctrl-issue.livejournal.com]

Poor Spike. While he's sitting on the ground, drunk as a skunk, looking like a pouting five year old trying to put his foot down, all I can think is that if he should know better than to come home drunk. The last time it happened, he found himself in a physical fight with Xander, Xander sending Bonnie off to run to Clem, and Tara coming in to play referee. This time he's getting kicked out of his house!

Some Spike points I really love: 1. He knows he fucked up, but he isn't sure how or why, and he's just as upset that Buffy "suddenly" changed the rules as he is that she isn't explaining them properly to him. 2. That even in his drunken state he still has the facilities to compare Angel and Xander, even if he doesn't want to admit to finding Xander preferable to Angel(us). 3. All he wants to do now is 'go home' in the sense of gettng things back to a stable, normal routine.

But there's Xander, preventing Spike from getting back in his room, preventing him from hiding from the new reality, and standing up for HIS house and HIS home. Spike already knew the boy had a spine of steel underneath that first submissive layer, and as entertaining as he thinks it would be seeing the confrontation between Angelus and Xander, it's not nearly as much fun seeing it directed at him repeatedly.

And Tara... You go girl! Can't wait to see what more you do!

Thank you SO MUCH for the two chapters this weekend! I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but seeing this updated makes me so happy. ^_^

[lil-coyote.livejournal.com]

I'm feeling sorry for Spike. He thought he had a solid place and it's all being pulled out from under him.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

Excellent chapter! Spike's confusion at Xander's ascertions fits in perfectly with everything you've set up in the 'verse. Xander's desperation to save Spike as the sun begins coming up just tore at my heart. He's come to genuinely care about Spike and he understands Spike's limitations in a way Spike doesn't fully yet. Although there are hints in Spike's internal monologue that Spike is beginning to comprehend that something is seriously wrong with his world.

Spike's repeated statements that it's his house and the earlier musings about his clan just make my heart bleed for him, even as I agree with Xander. This is more than a house he's staying in. He's made a home among these people, he loves them in his own way and he's finding himself out in the cold in more ways than lacking a roof over his head.

[swanpride.livejournal.com]

finish line? Does that mean we don't get Spike/Xander interaction? (strange, I am normally not slash-crazy, but this story screams for a relationship between those two).

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

No where near the finish line. I have an entire season to still deconstruct.

[zowiebwalker.livejournal.com]

I missed 6 chapters and can I just say "Wow!" Your characters are much more human than Joss made them in canon. I'm so happy Tara is here. There's more of a range of emotion here and they stopped making excuses for each other. They also have matured and have harder choices to make. Is Giles going to make an appearance? Thank you! Can't wait for more!

[edgebot.livejournal.com]

I really liked the interaction between Spike and Xander, and I just love Tara in this. Can't wait to see where it goes next!

[zilentdreamer.livejournal.com]

And there goes the splat....the one where shit hits the fan in a big way....

[ztivokreb.livejournal.com]

I feel bad for Spike, but mostly I agree with Xander's reasoning.

but now how will Bonnie feel about Spike not being in the house?

Butterfly 21

[catservant66.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, love how you're setting up Spike going for the soul--I've been looking forward to this all through the story and I must say--just as much fun as I'd hoped.

[catbirdfish.livejournal.com]

I hope this means Spike will get a soul! I'm really enjoying this story.

I've never commented before, but I've read most your Buffy stories. I saw Beautiful Broken rec'd as slavefic and decided to give it a chance even though I'd never seen an episode of Buffy. I fell in love with your characters and sought out more Spike/Xander fic. I'm now a third of the way through season 6. So thank you for introducing me to the series! :)

[pawscat.livejournal.com]

So I've been putting off reading this till it was complete.... But I couldn't take it any more, so I'm now suffering from Season Finale Syndrom (tm) and sighing and moaning cause I have to wait for the next bit.

That said, I greatly massively hugely gigantically LOVE this fic. It makes SO SO SO much more sense than anything in the last two seasons of Buffy (which I tend to pretend don't exist for the most part).

So rest up. Stay healthy. Keep writing!

(and if you feel the need for a change of pace, I wouldn't say no to more Big Damn Dog.) :) <3

Lana

[ophite68.livejournal.com]

Off on vaction and three chapters when I get back. Bonus!

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

I doubt Spike will find much comfort in the fact that his clan isn't fully rejecting him-they don't want him to die, and are willing to provide him shelter...just not ~with them.

I can definitely see why, too, and Xander's right. Still sad. D:

souls

[(Anonymous)]

Does Clem have a soul? Does Oz have a soul? Does Bonnie have a soul? Does Buffy have a soul?

This is brilliant writing, but I still hate Buffy. And it makes me mad that everybody's shunning Spike. It was her fault. She hurt Spike, and she hurt him on purpose. She damaged him, and I want her to admit that. If Spike had no moral compass because of having no soul, what's her excuse?