Kin of the Heart

[lit_gal]

In this universe, Xander challenged Angel right up front--called him a pedophile to his face. And from there, everything changed.

Previous parts:
Part one: Bumbling to a Save
Part two: Family Ties
Part three: Devil in the Details
Part Four: Bad Karma
Part Five: Rust Upon Iron
Part Six: Mending Fences... or tearing them down
Part Seven: Quiet Waters Mirroring Undistorted
Part Eight: Bait, Swindle and Self-destruct
Part Nine: Deaf, Dumb, and Destiny-blind
Part Ten: The Road Not Taken
Part Eleven: Full Circle on the Lesson
Part Twelve: The Care and Feeding of Humans
Part Thirteen: A Little Brutal Honesty with Tea
Part Fourteen: A Slippery Leash
Part Fifteen: Flesh and Blood and Heart

Part Sixteen: A Slender Thread of Sanity
Part Seventeen: The Enemy of my Enemy
Part Eighteen: The Best Laid Plans
Part Nineteen: The World Turns
Part Twenty: Faulty Logic
Part Twenty-One: The Eyes of a Wounded Child
Part Twenty-Two: The Window Through Which You See the World

Part Twenty-Three: Man is a Knot

• Man is a knot into which relationships are tied. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
  

"Bloody hell, you're leaving him?" Spike demanded the moment they walked out the door into the hot night. Angel gave him an incredulous look and he had the intelligence to shut up. Strangely, Angel had thought it would be hard to allow Spike to threaten a human life. He had expected to stand there on the verge of panic as he tried to give Spike enough room to threaten Wesley into submission. Instead, he found himself almost hoping Wesley would try something.

"Come on," Angel said as he used the decorative brick on the front of the school to climb up to the roof. Xander was in pain and planning on offering himself up on the altar of truth. While Angel could admire the boy's honesty, he wasn't about to leave him alone with Cordelia.

"About bloody time," Spike muttered as he followed him up to the roof.

Xander and Cordelia always seemed to gravitate to one particular classroom and that's where Angel headed. A tree outside the window would allow him to watch, and the night would keep Xander from noticing him, not that Xander would notice anything right now. He certainly wasn't about to let Xander walk home alone after this little encounter. If Xander died, that would be one more sin on Angel's conscience, and his conscience was already listing heavily in this current storm. He'd made bad choices; he'd picked himself and his redemption over his family. Watching Xander forgive Faith—not because he wasn't hurting, not because it benefited him, but simply because Faith was family—that had reminded Angel of a little truth or two. So, if Angel was going to give up on redemption in favor of protecting his family, then he would do whatever he had to do.

"So, is the boy right about Cordelia? Seems barmy to throw the boy over just because he got his end off with Faith," Spike commented as he kept pace right behind Angel.

"He betrayed her," Angel said shortly. He hated that Faith had wrecked Xander's life this way, but lying about it wouldn't help anything, and he wouldn't even advise Xander to try. Xander's ability to lie ranked up there with Spike's ability to give a shit about random strangers.

"Bloody humans," Spike snorted.

Angel paused on the roof, right next to the tree he planned to use for eavesdropping. Spike was right; human rules were awkward and ridiculous and painful. They were nearly as awkward and ridiculous and painful as vampire rules. "Why do you stay?" Angel asked Spike. The question shocked Spike so badly that he dropped his cigarette and then had to dance around as he tried to keep the cuff of his jeans from catching on fire.

"Bloody hell. Has the hair gel finally sunk into your brain then?" he demanded once he'd finally fished the thing out and crushed it.

"You have to be frustrated," Angel pointed out. "Faith and Xander insist on having relationships outside of the family, Cordelia is caught in a strange half-way land between being in our clan and not, I'm not... I'm not giving you what a sire should. Why do you stay?"

Spike's eyebrows went all the way up. "Mate, you feelin' alright? You peckish? Hallucinating maybe?"

"I asked you a question," Angel said with a growl.

Spike blinked a couple of times and cocked his head to the side. "You're family. Xander and Faith and Cordelia are alright. Can be a right treat fucking with 'em, or in Faith's case, just fucking her. Cordelia... bloody hell, she's just about a vampire already. Those cheerleaders are closer to vampires or wild animals than humans. And Xander..." Spike shrugged. "Boy reminds me of the plonker I used to be, always running around trying to please everyone else, doesn't he? 'Course he's not as handsome as a bloke as I am, but nobody's perfect."

"You want me to turn them," Angel said quietly. From a vampire perspective, that would make the most sense.

"Sometimes," Spike shrugged again. "If ya turned 'em, no guarantee they'd stay the same, though, is there? Oh, they'd be themselves, but they'd be a darker version. I lived through that once, watching you try to mold a vampire into who you thought he should be. Don't really feel like being around for another round of that." Spike crossed his arms and glared at Angel, practically daring him to deny that he'd tortured and molded and controlled all his childer.

"I don't plan to ever turn them, which means they'll grow old and die," Angel said quietly. This was where his new life's plan didn't make sense to him. Listening to Faith's confession on the roof and then Xander's simple declaration that Faith got a 'get out of fucking up free' card because she was family... that made Angel realize that he would sacrifice redemption for his family, but if he wanted to save his family, how could he let them die? Angel understood how to protect Faith from the Council. Blair had considerable magic, and with the charms Angel had given Faith, the Council would never be able to track her. But how could he protect her from growing up, from growing old, from dying the way all slayers eventually died? How could he protect Cordelia or Faith or even Xander from their humanity?

Spike walked over and sat on the ledge that ran around the edge of the roof. "I can't say I've thought much on it."

Angel didn't answer. Sometimes he missed that... the ability to live in the moment and just not worry about a future that hadn't arrived. For long minutes, the silence filled the air, and then Angel turned to leap off the roof only to land in the tree. The leaves and branches shook with his impact and then shook again two seconds later when Spike landed in the tree just above him.

"Bloody stupid leaping into a tree. You do know these things are made of wood, don't you?" Spike muttered, but Angel ignored him as he maneuvered down to a place where he'd be able to see into the classroom.

They were in there. Cordelia was sitting on the edge of the teacher's desk, her legs crossed and her foot bouncing in that way that suggested she was losing patience. Xander was hovering near the door looking ready to be sick.

"She won't hurt him, will she?" Spike suddenly asked.

"She might slap him," Angel admitted. It was better to tell Spike up front than risk having Spike lose his temper later. "She won't actually hurt him, though."

"Boy would feel better if she did. If she just went and whipped the flesh from his bones, he might stop stinking of guilt." Spike settled on a limb just above Angel.

"That works for vampires, not humans," Angel pointed out. Xander had finally stopped pacing and faced Cordelia. Vampire hearing meant that Angel could easily hear from his spot outside the window, but so far, Xander wasn't actually saying anything.

"Well?" Cordelia finally demanded.

"This is harder than I thought," Xander confessed. He crossed his arms over his stomach, and Angel just wished he could crash through the window and save Xander from this whole mess.

If he'd known what was going on in Faith's life, maybe he could have stopped this mess, but no, he'd been off playing crusader, staking vampires and trying to track down elusive rumors about the coming Ascension. He was no better than Guleesh, staring at the moon and wishing he was somewhere else, but there were no fairies to come and take him to the princess. There were only his choices, and the way his need to prove something had led to Xander, once again, getting hurt. The guilt of that failure gnawed at him. Now Xander was veering wildly between pretending everything was okay and despair and Faith was exiled to Cascade until she could deal with some of her issues.

"Whatever is going on, just say it," Cordelia sighed, her foot jiggling even faster.

"You won't like it."

"Has that ever stopped you before?"

"Hey, I was big with the not saying anything when we were ten and you had that funny haircut," Xander said, but the grin was forced. Even Cordelia must have spotted that because her foot stopped and she uncrossed her legs as she studied him.

"You're getting stranger by the day," she sniffed. However, she also hopped down from the desk and took a step toward him. If Cordelia didn't care for Xander, this would be much easier, but Angel knew that was not the case. With his supernatural hearing, he had caught her defending him and her relationship with him from some pretty vicious attacks from other cheerleaders. Apparently Xander's new clothes and cool older friend had raised him some on the social ladder, but the other cheerleaders still felt that he was below Cordelia. And by dating him, they felt that Cordelia lowered herself. Oddly, Spike was right; cheerleaders seemed to follow a code not so different from vampires, and showing weakness was not healthy in either. Yet Cordelia had risked censure to date Xander.

"Strangier and strangier," Xander agreed sadly.

"Bloody hell, we're going to be in this tree all fucking night at this rate."

"Shut up," Angel hissed. He did not need for Xander to catch them spying, but he did need to know what happened so he would know how to help Xander recover. Spike subsided with a snort. "Light that cigarette and I'll shove it down your throat," Angel warned after seeing what Spike was doing with his hands. He got a glare, but at least Spike shoved the thing back in a pocket.

"I do not have all day... or in this case, night. Whatever you have to say, just say it," Cordelia said, her tone clearly worried.

"Hey, if you're busy maybe we could do this later." Xander actually looked hopeful at that.

"Do what later? You still haven't told me what we're doing."

"We're talking... which is not so much with the doing and more with the just making with the... um... talking." Xander closed his eyes tightly, an expression of embarrassment that Angel had learned to recognize. Sure enough, the pink started coming into his cheeks.

"What did you do?" Cordelia demanded, her arms crossing over her chest.

"Um... uh... I...." Xander stammered to a halt.

"You didn't actually let the bleached one eat Wesley, did you?" she asked, and that was a tone of voice that even made Angel cringe.

"What? No. No, there was absolutely no eating." Xander blushed darker. "Of the sort that involves actual eating."

Spike snorted, and Angel had to agree that Xander was not at his best in this situation. Cordelia had her head tilted to the side as she considered him.

"What did you screw up?"

"Screw up?" Xander echoed weakly. "Why would you think I was the one with the screwing uppage?"

"You're a man. Men are stupid; hence, you scre—" Cordelia stopped mid-word. "Oh my god. Alexander LaVelle Harris, who was it?"

Xander physically jerked away, his back hitting the door as he stared at her with wide eyes.

Spike snorted again. "If he was planning on tryin' something clever, he's buggered that up, hasn't he?" Angel didn't bother answering because the answer was obvious.

"Who was what?"

Cordelia raised her hand, a sharp fingernail pointed right at Xander. "If you cheated on me with Harmony, you will both die slow and painful deaths."

"Harmony? Why would you think I would ever have anything to do with Harmony? And why would you think Harmony would have anything to do with me? Newsflash, she thinks I'm about three steps above total loser, which is way better than my freshman year when she put me below the lunch lady on the social scale, but still... me and Harmony?"

"Then who?" Cordelia was two inches from his face, and Angel had to admit that her expression was enough to frighten most humans or demon into fleeing for their lives. Xander just crossed his arms over his stomach and looked at her as though she were the firing squad preparing to execute him.

"I'm still trying to figure out how we came to the conclusion that I'm cheating at all."

Cordelia huffed. "Oh please, you're a man. There's only one thing a man ever does that makes him feel that guilty."

"Wait, so having sex with the non-girlfriend is the only bad that I could ever do? Because I'm telling you, I'm way better at screwing up than you seem to think. I can screw up and feel guilty about lots and lots of stuff."

Cordelia stumbled back away from him. "You had sex? You all the way had sex with someone who is not me?" Rather than angry, she sounded incredibly hurt. Angel almost wished she were angry because Xander would never survive the guilt of actually hurting Cordelia.

"Um... maybe?" Xander pressed his eyes closed.

"Bloody hell, he should not be closing his eyes around that one. That's about as dumb as turnin' your back on a Fyarl demon." Spike sounded caught between frustration and amusement, but Angel just ignored him. Xander had turned a ghastly shade of white

"Who?" Cordelia demanded. "Who is this that is so irresistible that you'd just shove a knife in my back?" Xander pressed his back to the door, and Angel could feel the growl building in his chest. "What, did you finally get in Queen Bitchy's pants? Not that you'd be the first to go there, would you?"

"Hey," Xander protested, but his righteous indignation faded almost immediately. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Oh, did you penis go wandering off without you? Did it stick itself in some skank while you were playing video games or watching some pathetic television?"

"Cordelia." Xander breathed the word like a prayer.

"Who?" Cordelia's voice was hard and brittle, a sound on the verge of shattering.

"Faith," Xander whispered, his arms clutching himself in search of comfort and Angel felt a flare of guilt heavy enough to make him feel as though he were suffocating.

"Faith? Faith who you think of as a sister Faith?" That had obviously shocked Cordelia.

"Way to make an already disturbing night way more with the disturb," Xander answered quietly. For many seconds, Cordelia just stared at him, her back stiff with rage and her hands clutched at her sides.

"Wait," she said slowly, "exactly how is this disturbing?"

Xander looked up incredulously, his arms loosening just a bit. "I can draw you a map of the disturbing we have going right here," he offered with a weak grin. Cordelia glared.

"Oh no. When I mentioned Faith being like a sister, you said that night was already disturbing. Why would that be disturbing."

"Oh, guilt, shame, potential lack of breathing in the near future when my beautiful girlfriend finds out."

"Which is why right now is disturbing," Cordelia said, her teeth already into this. "But you said that night was already disturbing and reminding you that Faith was like a sister made it more disturbing. Xander, what happened?" Cordelia took a step closer to him, but Xander shied away like a skittish horse.

"You know, Faith left town, so whatever you want to tell everyone, I will so go along with it... only can we not tell them I have some fatal illness or venereal disease? Although, if you really have your heart set on it..." Xander looked up at Cordelia, his fear and guilt and uncertainty painted over his face in bold colors.

"Xander," Cordelia said softly, but he just shied further away. With a heavy sigh, she turned her back on him and returned to the teacher desk where she had started the whole conversation. "Have you told Angel?"

"He kinda did the sniffing thing, which is way with the disturbing." Xander had backed himself into a corner between the wall and fire extinguisher. "I keep telling him that polite people do not go with the sniffing, but he insists on getting way too TMI about things like who is dating Buffy and lusting after other boys and Gwendolyn Post's sex change-a-roo. Way TMI."

Xander had complained about him discovering things through his sense of smell, and at one point, Angel had attempted to repress the parts of himself connected to the demon. At one point, he made an effort to walk through the world and experience it as much like a human as possible. That point was gone along with his silly infatuation with Buffy. After all, if he hadn't used his sense of smell and the Gem of Amara, he never would have found the military's latest toy buried under the UC Sunnydale campus.

"You would have told him anyway," Cordelia said with a small shake of her head.

"Um, did I lose track of the conversation somewhere?" Xander looked up at her for a second before dropping his gaze back down to the floor.

"Xander, who did you tell first about your mom kicking your dad's drunk ass out of the house?"

Xander didn't answer right away. He looked up at her in confusion, and Angel could practically taste the boy's need to figure out the right answer... to try and fix what he'd messed up or try and make her happy. "Angel was home when I got back from Mom's apartment." Xander shrugged, clearly not understanding the question, but Angel was starting to suspect that he knew where she was going.

Cordelia was already nodding. "And who did you go to after Kendra died?"

Xander just stared at her blankly. Angel remembered that night, though. He remembered holding Xander in that narrow bed in his old house. He remembered Xander crying with grief and anger until he had finally laid still in Angel's arms.

Now Cordelia was shaking her head. "Who did you go to when Buffy and Willow blamed you for Spike being Spike?"

Xander stared at her mutely for a second before he gathered his words. "I don't understand—"

"I've been playing emotional hide and seek with you. You didn't just cheat on me with Faith, you've been cheating on me with Angel for months... years... since the beginning. I guess I just thought you needed a father figure or something, but he's not being fatherly, and you just keep turning to him over and over. I can't...." Cordelia stopped and waved her hand randomly in the air in some gesture that meant nothing to Angel. From the confused expression on Xander's face, he wasn't getting any of this.

"You can't think that Angel and I..."

"God you're an idiot," Cordelia snapped, and now Angel could hear the emotional precipice she stood on reflected in her voice. One wrong word and she would cry and Xander would choke on his own guilt. "No, I don't think you and Angel are doing what you and Faith did. I'm saying that you aren't committed to a relationship with me, not emotionally or physically, and I can't trust you. You don't act like my best friend or my boyfriend or someone who wants to trust me with any part of his life, so maybe Harmony's right, maybe you are just trying to get me in bed."

"Hey, I would never—" Xander started, but when Cordelia held up a hand, he stopped.

"No, you won't ever," she told him firmly. "Talk to your therapist, figure this out on your own, tell Angel all your secrets... I don't care anymore, but as far as anyone in this school is concerned, I’m dropping your ass because your attempt at asking me to prom was both lame and cheap. And I do not date lame, cheap men," Cordelia finished. She headed for the door, her head held high and her back stiff. It didn't fool Angel for a second.

"Keep an eye on her," Angel said softly. He continued to watch Xander while Spike dropped out of the tree and wandered around to the far side of the school where Cordelia would have parked her car. Cordelia would feel better for sharpening her claws on Spike for a while, and he could keep an eye on Xander without having to worry about her getting home safe. He wondered exactly when he started thinking of Spike as a person trustworthy in the defense of human life, but he did. It went against every vampiric instinct Spike had, but Angel was willing to bet that he'd fight to the end for Cordelia, Xander or Faith. He'd never given his heart by halves, not like Angel. Spike wouldn't be caught between trying to serve his own redemption and his family until he failed both.

Nearly an hour passed before Xander finally stirred himself and pushed unsteadily away from the wall. Angel waited until Xander turned toward the front entrance before he dropped out of the tree. Xander needed privacy; he could respect that. He hated that because he wanted to be walking beside Xander, he wanted to reassure Xander, but instead he walked the shadows. With his head down and his feet dragging across the pavement, Xander walked slowly home, the picture of perfect misery.




And now I am off for a mid-week trip to Vegas and some well-deserved time off. Hopefully this leaves you at a better place than last chapter, and I'll see ya'll on Friday.




.