Kin of the Heart

[lit_gal]

In this universe, Xander challenged Angel right up front--called him a pedophile to his face. And from there, everything changed.

Previous parts:
Part one: Bumbling to a Save
Part two: Family Ties
Part three: Devil in the Details
Part Four: Bad Karma
Part Five: Rust Upon Iron
Part Six: Mending Fences... or tearing them down
Part Seven: Quiet Waters Mirroring Undistorted
Part Eight: Bait, Swindle and Self-destruct
Part Nine: Deaf, Dumb, and Destiny-blind
Part Ten: The Road Not Taken
Part Eleven: Full Circle on the Lesson
Part Twelve: The Care and Feeding of Humans
Part Thirteen: A Little Brutal Honesty with Tea
Part Fourteen: A Slippery Leash
Part Fifteen: Flesh and Blood and Heart

Part Sixteen: A Slender Thread of Sanity
Part Seventeen: The Enemy of my Enemy
Part Eighteen: The Best Laid Plans
Part Nineteen: The World Turns
Part Twenty: Faulty Logic


Part Twenty-One: The Eyes of a Wounded Child


Angel pushed open the heavy rooftop door and looked around at the flat roof. Wind caps on the pipes spun lazily, and a trail of smoke rose from behind one of the low structures that hid the air conditioning mechanics. Angel headed for the smoke. His nerves buzzed with the awareness of a slayer. It was ironic. He had once thought that the feeling was some sort of mystical connection he shared with Buffy. He could only attribute that bit of stupidity to the lack of human blood in his diet and a lack of experience with slayers. He'd gone from haunting back alleys to believing in true love and tooth fairies. Neither extreme was particularly healthy.

And right now, right now when he wanted to break several bones in Faith's body for essentially raping Xander, he needed to remember that extremes were not healthy.

He turned the corner and saw Faith sitting on the low wall that marked the edge of the building. One foot dangled over, and she kicked the heel into the brick wall with a thump as regular as her heartbeat.

"Faith," Angel said, not even sure how to start this conversation.

He had no doubt that Faith never intended to hurt Xander... and he had no doubt that Xander would both forgive and heal... however, he could still feel his own anger rise like a monster in his chest. Part of that was guilt. He had hurt Xander equally as bad, and then he had brought Faith into Xander's life. Part of it was a cold fury that Faith could act so irresponsibly and callously toward someone whom Angel had marked. After years of bloodmarking, Angel's own scent was irrevocably etched into Xander, a clear sign that anyone who bothered the boy would have to answer to Angel himself. Buffy and Faith had both been accosted by the mayor's minions on patrol, but not even the most foolhardy demon had ever dared to touch Xander.

"Big A," Faith answered. She didn't bother turning to look at him. One hit. One hit and she would go flying out into the dark, her body landing on the concrete below--twisted and broken. Would a slayer heal from an injury like that? It was only six stories. It wasn't like tossing her off the top of the Empire state building. Angel crossed his arms in an attempt to keep his hands to himself.

"So, anything happen on patrol tonight?" Angel asked with a dangerous calm.

She shrugged. "Walked, met vampires, dusted vampires. Same old." She flicked her cigarette off into the night. "Still not hearing shit about whatever the mayor has planned for his big coming out party."

Angel stared out over the lights of Sunnydale. "Xander patrolled with you?"

"Yep. He's not bad for a human. In more ways than one." Faith gave him a salacious look complete with a wink, and Angel nearly punched her right off the building. Instead he stood statue-still and struggled with the rage that crashed through him.

Angel took a deep breath and reminded himself not to shout. No matter how she acted, she wasn't Spike, and he couldn't treat her like Spike. He'd like to. He'd like to put a fist into that grinning mouth and make her stop turning what she had done into a joke. Walking over, he sat on the edge of the building awkwardly and gathered his thoughts. "Given Xander's relationship with Cordelia, I'm surprised he chose to have sex with you," Angel said slowly. If he let even an ounce of his anger out, it was going to overwhelm both of them.

She shrugged again. "The family that fucks together, stays together," she said dismissively, parroting one of Spike's favorite sayings, one that never failed to bring the color to Xander's cheeks.

"That's true of vampires, but you and Xander aren't vampires," Angel pointed out.

"As good as, right?" she asked as flexed her arms nervously, stretching so that her shirt rose up to show off her stomach. "I mean, face it, slayers have more than a little demon to them, and Xander... he fights like a demon and thinks like one more often than not."

"He... what?" Angel stared at her, completely flummoxed as the already strange conversation took a detour for the stranger.

Faith laughed. "Chill, babe. You do not need to get the glare of death out just for me. It's five by five. Giles and Calendar didn't actually find any demonic traits in Xander with their little hand-waving routine. He's just a little more flexible in his thinking than most. I mean, he goes and forgives both you and Spike for doing your Charlie Manson impressions, he has one therapist with a demonic secretary, a second therapist who is a demon, and his favorite place in LA is run by a guy who looks like an extra from some lame horror movie. I've seen the pics, babe, and that Lorne looks like a seriously bad bad-ass."

"Lorne?" Angel echoed the name and tried to figure out how she had jumped from point A to point M so quickly. He didn't want to talk about Lorne. While the demon was certainly a very nice man, Angel had other concerns right now.

"It's hard to believe someone who looks like that could be a pacifist. I don't mind telling you, I would slay on sight if I caught those red eyes of his peering at me."

"I don't--"

"It really hacks Wesley off that Xander is always asking whether this demon or that demon should be slayed. Wesley comes up with the name of some demon, and sure as Spike fucks like a wild man, Xander is asking if the demon is actually a bad guy." Faith laughed and stretched her legs out in front of her. "Drives Wesley up the fucking wall."

"It does?"

"Yeah. So, I'm thinking the boy lost his totally human status about the same time that he understood Spike better than Willow. Not that Willow's all that hard to understand. One possessive, arrogant little bitch is pretty much like any other." Faith crossed her legs at the ankle and looked over at Angel.

"I... I came up here to talk about you and Xander," Angel said as he struggled to get the conversation back on track. The fury of earlier had largely dissipated under the weight of his confusion, but now he could feel it return.

"Boy's not bad for a human," Faith said with a smug expression. "A little guiding around the curves and he found the gas pedal just fine."

"He is a human, and humans have rules about that sort of thing," Angel said quickly before she could again get him off-topic.

"What? You want me to get him a wedding ring?" Faith asked with a snort of laughter.

"I want you to respect him and his decisions."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Faith demanded. She sat up, her body coiled for action, and Angel truly wished--not for the first time--that she was a vampire. He knew how to handle it when a fledge got this mouthy.

Instead, Angel leaned forward toward Faith. "You need to think before you use your strength against people who can't physically match you," he started, his voice soft.

"What the fuck are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you can be careless with your strength. It certainly hasn't improved your control to spend so much time with Spike who has his own difficulties in that area."

Faith slowly stood, her hands curled into fists. "You have a problem with me or the way I handle my shit, you say it to my face." Her elbows were bent, her back arched. She reminded Angel of a very angry alley cat about to go sailing into a nasty fight.

"I'm saying you pushed too hard with Xander," Angel said as he stood up, his hands and body loose and non-threatening even though he was ready for any attack. Faith was good, but she wasn't near the fighter of either Buffy or Spike, and Angel knew he could best those two.

"He was happy enough when I left him with that big, stupid grin on his face." She smiled wickedly, but her words were ice.

"He's down there trying to figure out how to put the pieces of his life back together after what you two did out in that cemetery."

"He is? *He* is? He's worried about his fucking life?" She just about screeched the words. "What the fuck does he have to worry about? Huh? Is he worried that his sugar daddy won't approve of his slutty choices?" Faith's inexplicable anger turned to a hip-rolling sexual advance as she moved toward Angel. He instinctively flinched back from the touch.

Yes, she and Spike were intimately involved, but Angel had never been particularly successful with intimacies, and intimacy with Faith truly did seem like pedophilia, even if Blair insisted it was not. On the surface, she was tougher and acted older than Buffy, but inside, she was so much more damaged in ways that terrified Angel. When he screwed up with Xander or Buffy or Spike, they were all resilient enough to survive his stupidity. Faith had a fragility to her that made Angel doubt her ability to do the same. With Spike, she shared sex and lust and a lot of rug burns, rope burns, and grass stains, but Angel financially supported her. He made her eat vegetables. That was not the sort of relationship that Angel wanted to turn sexual.

"What's the matter, babe? Spike tells me that you like to be top man, so for you, I might even go on my back."

"Faith, stop."

"What? You think you're going to get your dick dirty sticking it in me? Is that it? You think your precious Xander is too good to take a tumble with me? Maybe you think Spike is too good for me, too." Faith had continued to advance, but her lascivious attitude had vanished, and she had again turned to a cold anger. Angel was starting to get whiplash trying to keep up with her emotions.

"I don't think any of us are too good for you. I just don't plan on sleeping with someone two hundred years younger than I am," Angel insisted. Faith had reached up to rub his arm aggressively, and Angel grabbed her wrist and wrenched it away as he backed up toward the door.

"Spike says you fuck the vampires and humans at the suck house. I wonder if Xander knows that. I wonder if Xander knows how his sugar daddy likes to catch Spike by the small of his neck and push him down before driving into him." Faith pursed her lips. "Not that I blame you. Spike looks good with a few bruises and a lot of rope."

Angel didn't realize he had gone into gameface until he felt the growl escape his chest. Faith's calculating expression instantly vanished under a blank mask. Despite the fact that he had been seconds away from backhanding her, Angel stopped. This was not normal behavior, not even for Faith.

"I fuck the vampires at the suck house. That doesn't mean I have any feelings for them or that I would hesitate to stake them if I saw them on patrol. What I do with them is about release, not about making any sort of bond between clan members," Angel said slowly. When all else failed, honesty often shocked others into revealing something about their own twisted emotions. It often worked in therapy when Xander would start poking at him to avoid dealing with his own issues.

"What I do with Spike is about the bond we share. We spent a lot of years apart, and sometimes I do feel a need to push him down and take him just so that I know he really is still here and still mine." Angel clenched his teeth. Revealing this much made him feel raw and exposed, and if this backfired, he was backhanding Faith into submission and then going to LA to eat both of Xander's therapists and Lorne. Dealing with emotions truly was far more work than just hiding in alleys eating rats.

"You don't feel that with me?" Faith asked. Maybe she meant to sound aggressive, but the words came out tentative... almost wistful.

"You are human, no matter what Spike says about your demonic blood. You were born and raised in a world where the person who takes care of you does not climb in your bed. It's not the same as with Spike."

"Fuck that. My stepfather... the first one who showed me around the curves... he started when I couldn't have been more than seven or eight. If you think you have to protect my honor, you're way too late, Big A. After all, like Wesley's always telling me, I can't expect anything else when I go cavorting with demons."

For a second, Angel didn't answer. The signs had been there, and Blair had talked him through how to handle the possibility that Faith had been abused, but the reality still struck him mute. "I think," he said slowly, "that if that man were here right now, I'd rip his head off and refuse to even drink the blood of filth like that." The whole time, he had been holding Faith's wrist, and now he let it go and studied her. Whatever she had been expecting, it wasn't what Angel was saying to her now. "I think you deserve more than that."

She narrowed her eyes. "Fuck your pity. I take care of myself. And look, if you're out fucking half the town, I don't care. But Spike has this weird shit where I'm supposed to keep it in the family, so that leaves Spike, Xander or you. Unless you're volunteering, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do."

"Spike isn't enough for you?" Angel asked.

"Fuck you. A girl just likes a little variety. God knows you get some, but apparently, the rest of us play by different rules. Life's like that though, isn't it?"

Angel frowned at the fragments of vampire lore Faith had absorbed from Spike. "As the oldest, I do get to take it outside the family," Angel agreed. "I don't often, but I can."

"And Spike can, too. It's just me who's supposed to sit home like a saint with her knees crossed. I'm not a fucking saint."

"I don't expect you to be, and Spike can't take partners without my permission. We're vampires, and in a clan, the oldest and strongest controls the others."

"So you think you control me?" Faith asked as she slowly circled around him. Angel could feel the gathering storm in her every movement. He had thought he had left Spike with the more difficult task of dealing with Xander. Normally Faith's reactions were demonic enough to be familiar; however, she was not in a normal mood.

"I think I control Spike. I've never assumed you or Xander were vampires."

"Then you don't mind if I go fuck some random guy on the street."

Angel clenched his teeth. Blair had warned him that abused children often reclaimed authority over their sexuality by proving they had the authority to give it away, but Angel could admit that this made his teeth ache. "I would tie you up and drag you to Xander's therapist," Angel finally said, his teeth clenched.

She frowned at him, but the look was more confused than unhappy. "No fucking way."

"Try me."

"It was just sex," Faith sighed dramatically, and the tension fell from her body as she leaned against the side of the door that led back down to the apartments. "What the fuck are you getting so worked up about? I had an itch, Xander had a lack of first-hand experience, and we kept it in the clan."

"Which would be perfect logic if either you or Xander were vampires," Angel pointed out. He studied Faith. If she and Xander were vampires, he would assume that she was struggling to prove her status over Xander or accepting Xander into the clan and reinforcing a bond with him. That didn't make much sense, especially since Xander wasn't bound to the clan by any bonds of blood or sex... nothing more significant that a bloodmark linked him to any of them.

"Did Spike say something to make you think Xander wasn't firmly entrenched in the clan?" Angel demanded. It would make sense if he assumed Xander and Faith were vampires.

Faith snorted bitterly before she headed toward the door down to the apartments. Angel caught her by the arm and yanked her around before letting go.

"What the fuck do you want from me?" Faith shouted. "You want to fuck me? Do you? You think I went too far with Xander and now you want to come in and put me over your knee? Is that the game we're fucking playing? Hey, let's have at it," she shouted while she shrugged out of her shirt, dropping it on the pebbled roof of the building while she twisted around to grab at her bra catch.

Grabbing her wrist, Angel yanked her forward before she could free her bra. "I want you to talk to me. Did you think Xander wasn't in the clan? Did you think you had to form a bond between you?"

"You really are fucking stupid," Faith laughed dismissively. Before Angel could control himself, he backhanded her, slamming her into the building that housed the air conditioner so hard that the metal roof shivered and rattled.

"Do na push too far, girl," Angel warned.

"Or what? You going to throw me out if I don't play good little girl?" Faith sneered as she reached up and touched her lip with her finger.

"I'll put ya in your place the way I do William." Angel took two steps forward, but instead of retreating, Faith dropped her hands and stood up straight to face him.

"Five by five. You think I can't take it? I'm tougher than I look big man."

Angel stopped, his hands already reaching for her. "You want me to inflict a little vampire discipline?" Angel asked in disbelief.

"That's what you are, isn't it?" Faith again sneered at him. Angel took a step back as the pieces slid into place. She was concerned about clan sex and clan bonds. She slept with Xander. She was offering herself to him.

"I don't think Spike would appreciate me bruising his favorite slayer," Angel said in a calculated move to test his newly minted theory.

She gave a huff of derisive laughter. Oh yes, Faith was worried about her own place in the clan. She'd slept with Xander to secure her position. Angel could understand that motivation from a vampire's perspective. Whenever Darla had grown frustrated about Angel's childer and the attention they demanded from him, he had taken her to bed, reinforcing their own bond with violent sex. She had taken him violently whenever her own sire had left her feeling worthless. Angel had used Spike's need for a bond against him by reinforcing his own control over Drusilla over and over. Sometimes Angel wondered if Slayers were not more demon than human because this behavior was entirely too familiar from his days in a court.

"Spike would care," Angel said as he reached up toward Faith. She didn't move as he brought his thumb up to her split lip and ran the pad of it across the injury. Bringing his thumb to his mouth, he sucked Faith's blood. She watched with wary eyes. "Spike would care a lot, but you're right that he wouldn't challenge me over it. However, you are mine, and I will not discipline the human members of my clan violently. Since you are not capable of controlling yourself right now, you will not be allowed outside your apartment without me. You patrol with me. You go to the library only if I am present. You will not meet with that sorry excuse for a watcher without me watching over your shoulder. You are officially grounded. Do you understand?" Angel crowded close to her, pressing against her so that she would understand that he wasn't turning her loose—he wouldn't cut her off from the clan.

She stared at him. For the first time tonight, the Faith-mask slipped. Normally, under her façade she carried a wariness and anger that made Angel ache for her, but right now, there was a strange sort of hopefulness in her eyes.

"You are my responsibility. I don't like what you did with Xander, and we will be having that discussion later, but that doesn't change the fact that you are still mine," Angel said firmly.

She looked away, and Angel waited, his body still pinning her to the side of the small mechanical room, but she wasn't fighting for space. In fact, if Angel was guessing right, she was fighting for the right to have less space.

When she spoke, something in her voice was empty. "Sometimes, people fuck up too bad. Is Xander okay?"

"He'll forgive you. Cordelia won't, but Xander will," Angel answered truthfully enough. "And I don't believe people are capable of fucking up too badly for redemption. Your sin pales compared to mine. I've killed and raped and maimed thousands of people, and the only way I can live with that is by believing that anyone can be redeemed."

Faith stood in silence, her eyes shining suspiciously bright as she stared off into the night sky. "Wesley's not going to like me being grounded."

"Fuck Wesley." Angel flinched the moment his poor choice of words slipped out. He was trying to make a connection to Faith, but his skill with profanity obviously had rusted since his days as Liam.

Faith caught the joke too because she gave a dark chuckle. "I think his ass is way too tight for you, Big A. Maybe Giles could get up there. I bet he's a real pencil dick."

"That's a mental image I could live without," Angel said with a grimace as he considered the two watchers. He was not a fan of either man.

Faith shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Get Wesley out of his glasses and he might not be totally awful. He's just a little too fond of rules. And I know he would bend over and take it in the ass from the whole fucking Council. He'd probably thank them with every thrust," she said with more laughter, but now it had an almost hysterical undertone. Angel reached out and rested a hand on her shoulder.

"Has Wesley done something to make you uncomfortable?" Angel asked, feeling weirdly like he had just become one of those dreadful after school specials Xander had used to torture him. From the look Faith gave him, she was thinking pretty much the same thing.

"He called the Council."

"Why?"

Faith took a deep breath. "The Council might have gotten the impression that Buffy killed a human on patrol two nights ago."

"She..." Angel stopped and replayed the wording of that over in his head. "How did they come to that conclusion?"

"Probably because I told them she did," Faith said with a wry grimace and a shrug. She pushed on Angel's chest, and he refused to move for a second, just long enough to let her know that she didn't have the power to make him move; she only had the power to express her desire and he made the choice to let her go free. Once he had backed off, she paced the length from Angel to the edge of the building and back again before she continued.

"It was crazy. B and I were staking vampires, and then this guy just comes out from nowhere and I was already in slay-mode. He jumped out at me and before B could yell out a warning... I...." She waved vaguely with her hand, but Angel didn't need any more explanation. That explained why she needed to feel more connected to the clan. She was like a fledge who had brought a gaggle of hunters back to the lair, and she wanted some sort of reassurance that she wasn't getting thrown to the wolves while the rest of the clan ran for it... or while the rest of the clan stole the last horse and left her to deal with the angry mob alone. Angel could understand that particular fear.

"Are they coming here?" Angel asked as he started running through options.

She shrugged.

"Have you told anyone that you stabbed him and not Buffy?"

She shook her head. Angel had never seen Faith so quiet or subdued.

"Giles isn't going to let them take Buffy, especially after she tells him that she didn't kill the man," Angel pointed out as he started considering the other players on the field. Willow, Giles, and Calendar would back Buffy's play, even had Buffy done it, they would back her. Considering that Buffy was innocent, they would do anything to protect her from any possible punishment or retaliation. Faith's arms were crossed over her stomach as she silently stared out over the night sky, but Angel was talking to himself as much as to her.

"Spike will rip the throats out of the first man to put his hand on you. I'll probably get the second. Xander will definitely try and back you up, but you've put him in a difficult spot to do that emotionally," Angel said honestly.

She nodded.

"Cordelia and Oz will likely stay out of any conflicts, but the mayor is smart enough to turn this to his advantage. With our best fighters broken into two camps, this will be an ideal time to try to get our group to fight Buffy's group rather than focusing on him."

"I'm sorry," Faith said softly.

"For what?" Angel waited curiously for the answer. Faith certainly had apologies to make, but none were to him.

"For making this whole mess," she said softly.

"Which mess?"

Her laugh was dark and pained. "I killed that man."

Angel knew the guilt she was feeling. He felt it every single morning when he woke up. Sometimes the weight of it left him struggling to even get out of bed once the sun went down. "I know you didn't mean to. Men die in the heat of battle, and not always the right ones," Angel reassured her, but the words didn't seem to have much effect. "Do you want me to lie and say the feeling gets easier?" Angel asked.

Faith tilted her head toward him. "I'm a little old for fairy tales."

"The pain is always there, but when you do something good, it gets easier to believe that you aren't evil," Angel said softly. Most days he doubted there were enough good deeds in the whole universe for him to believe that about himself. Occasionally, he could bring himself to the brink of believing that he had a chance at becoming a good man.

"I feel evil." Faith's breath was coming in ragged gasps now.

"I know."

"And then I went and fucked over Xander. I'm just...." She paused. "I'm evil."

"No, you aren't," Angel quickly corrected her. He stepped to her side, his shoulder brushing hers as he struggled to find a way to reach her. "You feel that way, and I do understand that. However, you made a mistake. That does not make you evil. Giles summoned a demon when he was young. Calendar knew my soul was in danger, and she allowed Xander to move in with me without any warning. They are not evil people."

"Just stupid ones?" Faith asked with a sarcastic smile as she looked over at him.

"Exactly."

Faith turned back toward Sunnydale, watching as the lights of the town slowly started winking out one by one. The sun would be up in a few hours and even the demons were starting to head for their beds. "Tell me I'll stop feeling evil," she whispered.

"You will stop feeling evil... eventually."

"You're really not good at this whole reassuring shit, are you?"

"Not really," Angel agreed.

She glanced over at him. "Tell me I haven't fucked things up for you and Spike and Xander."

"You just complicated things a little," Angel said as he reached up to rest his hand on Faith's bare shoulder. Her shirt lay on the roof, and her skin was starting to pimple in the chill, but she didn't seem to notice.

"They're going to want to take me. I know they are," Faith breathed the words almost silently, her fear flavoring the night air.

"They can't have you."

"But if I stay here, you're right... the mayor is going to use this to turn our two groups against each other."

Angel sighed. The mayor would, and the man was uncannily good at manipulation. Faith leaned into Angel, seeking reassurance, but he had only the truth to offer her. "Yes, he is."

She nodded sharply. "I should leave."

It was the logical solution, but Angel could feel a shiver go through Faith--one that had nothing to do with the cold.

"You're a member of this clan. You will na go leaving without permission," Angel said firmly. She looked up at him, disbelief written over her expression. "But you probably need to get out of town." Angel admitted as he considered the logistics. "I can send Spike with..."

"No," Faith interrupted. Angel raised an eyebrow, but before he could say anything, she was already talking again. "No, with the mayor ascending, you need your fighters here. I fucked up, and I'm a big enough girl to take my medicine. I'll pack my bags and get out of here by nightfall." She turned away from him, and Angel caught her by the arm again.

"I just told you that ya will not leave without permission, and you do not have permission. I will find someone I trust to take you in for a while, but you are a member of this family. Once the council has backed off and the mayor is dealt with, I will either bring you back or someone will join you, but I will not have you out in the world alone."

"Angel?" Faith sounded so confused and lost and hopeful that he had an overwhelming urge to find her stepfather and torture him for causing such deep injuries on her soul. Since the curse, Angel had firmly denounced torture, but he could make an exception.

"You'll always be family," Angel told her firmly as he reached out and caught her in a one-armed hug. Faith clung to his shirt, her back heaving with sobs. "Even if you have to go away for a while to be safe, you'll always be my family." Angel didn't have any other reassurances to offer her, so he just stood on the roof holding her as she cried, her tears staining his shirt as that mask of hers crumbled to reveal a wounded child who just needed to be held.

 

Oddly, this chapter is brought to you by Pat Benatar (no, I did not type that wrong). As she once said, "Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child."

Comments

[sentinelhuntres.livejournal.com]

Great chapter :)
Everything else has been said so that's all from me for today. ;)
Oh, and Blair was my first thought too :)

SH

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that Blair seems like a good place for her to go. He's unconventionally enough to amuse her, but firm enough to keep her from spinning out of control.