Kin of the Soul

[lit_gal]

Once upon a time there was Kin of the Heart where Angel and Xander learned to be friends. Now we're working towards something entirely different.

Kin of the Soul
Slash: Angel/Xander, Angel/Spike
Rated: ADULT 
banner by objectivelypink


Back to Xander's point of view.  What is going on in that room with Angel?


( Part One ) ( Part Two ) ( Part Three ) ( Part Four ) ( Part Five ) ( Part Six ) ( Part Seven ) ( Part Eight ) ( Part Nine ) ( Part Ten ) ( Part Eleven ) ( Part Twelve ) ( Part Thirteen ) ( Part Fourteen ) (Part Fifteen ) ( Part Sixteen ) ( Part Seventeen ) ( Part Eighteen ) ( Part Nineteen ) ( Part Twenty) ( Part Twenty-One ) ( Part Twenty-Two ) ( Part Twenty-Three ) ( Part Twenty-Four ) ( Part Twenty-Five ) ( Part Twenty-six ) ( Part Twenty-Seven ) ( Part Twenty-eight ) ( Part Twenty-nine )( Part thirty )  ( Part Thirty-one )  ( Part Thirty-Two ) ( Part Thirty-Three ) ( Part Thirty four )  ( Part Thirty-five ) ( Part Thirty-Six ) ( Part Thirty-Seven ) ( Part Thirty-Eight ) ( Part Thirty-nine ) ( Part Forty ) ( Part Forty-one ) ( Part Forty-two ) ( Part Forty-three ) ( Part Forty-four ) ( Part Forty-five ) ( Part Forty-six )  ( Part Forty-Seven )  ( Part Forty-Eight )  ( Part 49 ) ( Part 50 )

51

Xander’s butt was sore and his back was aching, but he continued to sit in the corner while Angel crouched in front of him, his head swiveling from one side to another like he expected some enemy to come floating through the walls. Morning light made the window shade glow amber, and Angel kept studying the glowing square in a way that made Xander more than a little nervous. If Angel went sunbathing, Xander was going to find Anyanka and… and he’d probably get his ass kicked, but he’d go down trying to make her pay. Angel’s attention drifted away from the window and back toward the bathroom.

Looking over at the bed, Xander considered making another try for it. He’d be more comfortable. Xander pushed an inch out of his corner and Angel’s yellow eyes swung around to him. “Quiet, m’fhear. The demons are close,” Angel hissed. Reaching out, he caught Xander’s shoulder and slammed him back into the corner again. Xander flinched as his bruised shoulder got rebruised. At this rate, he was going to be one giant bruise before they were done. One giant disgusting bruise because he seriously needed to pee, and he was about to pee on himself. He had no idea how Angel would react to that.

“Yeah, great job Anyanka,” Xander complained softly. Then again, she had said that she didn’t care if he was happy, only that he had a chance at happiness. Xander eyed Angel. He could feel that chance slipping away. The door clicked, and Xander looked up. If Spike was back, Xander was going to stake the giant idiot himself, at least if Angel didn’t kill him first. Angel’s inability to open a door had saved him last time, but Xander was pretty sure that Angel had figured it out. Either that or he was just enjoying staring at the doorknob. A lot. Right now, Xander wasn’t sure what Angel was thinking.

Angel started growling and he caught Xander by the back of the neck, pulling him so close that Xander’s face was smushed against Angel’s chest. Normally naked touching was of the good, but naked touching with a clearly insane Angel was just a little odd.

The door opened with a slow, soft creaking sound that Angel’s growl nearly drowned out. Despite the fact that Xander expected another short and brutal fight like with Graham and Spike, nothing happened. Angel’s growl slowly lessened and the arms around Xander loosened. Maybe Angel was improving. As soon as Xander had enough room to breathe more easily, he brought a hand up and rested it against Angel’s chest. Angel’s cock immediately started hardening, he just as quickly vamped out, and Xander was thrust in the corner with a nice view of Angel’s back. Again. Shit.

“If I can’t ever touch you again, this is going to be a really weird relationship,” Xander warned. “Weirder, anyway.”

A soft chuckle answered him. Xander leaned to the side and through the open door, he could see Blair sitting against the door that led out to the hall. Naked Blair. Weirdly calm naked Blair. Considering that Angel had driven Graham and Spike out, Xander wasn’t feeling too good about having Blair on this side of a closed door. He was even less okay with the fact that Blair was naked, his eyes closed and his head tilted back. Angel, though, seemed weirdly accepting of it. He went back to scanning the room.

Xander shifted, and Angel immediately pressed back, his body pinning Xander against the wall so that Xander had to concentrate to breathe. With a sigh, Xander gave up and just waited for something to happen. Maybe his bladder would give out or Blair would launch some brilliant plan, but at this point, anything was better than sitting in the corner. When Angel gave him a couple of inches of space, Xander sank to the ground, drawing his knees up in front of him. After a second, Angel crouched down in front of him, and Xander could see Blair still doing his meditation thing. Yep, weirdness levels were up all over the place.

Time crawled by, and Xander dozed, his head resting against the wall.

“I see dark burgundy walls and two heavy doors,” Blair said softly. Angel’s growl grew more ominous for a moment, but then he settled into a soft grumble of warning. Blair was silent for a few moments before he continued. “I see bookshelves you helped Xander carry out of the basement. I see your first edition of Count of Monte Cristo. I see the television. Xander likes to make you watch really bad movies.” Blair sounded amused by that. Angel’s growl got a little louder, but Blair kept his eyes closed and his voice soft.

“I see the bed you share with Xander. I see the robe you wore when Spike broke the railing on the second floor and you came running out. I see the hardwood floor you picked out with Xander. You didn’t like the pine. I think Xander didn’t like it either, but he liked threatening to give you bright yellow floors. I see the dark sheets Cordelia bought. She has the same kind on her bed. One time, you got Spike’s sheets on your bed, and Xander told me how aggravated you were all day.” Blair’s smile grew wider, but his eyes stayed closed. Angel’s growl, however, was reaching dangerous levels.

Maybe Blair knew that because he fell silent. He’d crossed his legs when he first sat down, and now he turned his hands so they were palm up as he breathed so deeply and slowly that Xander could see each inhalation. Okay, Blair’s plan clearly included boring Angel to death.

Xander waited until Angel’s growl had subsided before he tried. “I see the slippers I bought you that—” Xander stopped when Angel turned on him, his growl terrifying as he grabbed Xander and pressed him close to his chest. “And I’m really tired of you doing this,” Xander said as his bladder threatened to empty on Angel’s legs.

“Calm. Be calm. He hears the fear.” Blair had to speak louder to get his voice heard over Angel’s growling, and before Xander could do anything—like grab Angel’s arm and hold on for dear life—Angel whirled around and leaped at Blair. Xander gasped, fear making his whole body stiff. Angel was going to tear Blair into little, tiny, bloody pieces.

Blair continued to sit with his hands on his knees as Angel growled right in his face. He didn’t even open his eyes. Xander held his breath. If Blair was right that Angel could hear the fear in Xander’s voice, Xander had a sudden urge to give up talking. He could become a monk. Hell, if Angel kept up this strange unwillingness to be touched, monkdom wasn’t out of the question, so he could start working on his vows of silence.

Angel grabbed Blair and pulled him upright before shoving him back down onto the ground, this time on his back. And the whole time, Blair didn’t react at all. Xander knew that sometimes Spike had a habit of assuming Blair wasn’t as strong because he didn’t want to swing a sword, but right now, Xander figured Blair was the strongest man Xander knew. He took the shaking without the sorts of girly screaming Xander would have resorted to. Angel slammed Blair into the floor two or three times, Blair’s arms flopping like a doll’s. That seemed to make Angel happy because he left Blair on the floor and came back through the connecting door to the sleeping area. Before Angel decided to do any more slamming, Xander retreated to the corner.

Now he could only see Blair’s feet, but it didn’t look like Angel had broken anything major. Hopefully. Xander wasn’t surprised when Angel caught him up and held him close. Xander was starting to feel a little like a teddy bear. Considering how Xander’s teddy bear had ended up—torn and worn with the stuffing falling out one missing foot—that wasn’t a comforting thought.

“I sent him away, a choi. He’s gone. He’ll not disturb us again. Shhhhh,” Angel comforted him. That might work if it was Blair that scared Xander. It wasn’t. For a long time, they all settled into silence. The light against the shades grew brighter, and Xander’s bladder grew painful, but it was quiet.

“I see a copy of Xander’s electrician’s manual,” Blair said quietly from the front room. The foot that Xander could see didn’t move. “I see a picture of Xander and Willow and Buffy when they look way too young.” Blair had some amusement in his tone now. Xander was surprised that Angel wasn’t growling, but he wasn’t. “I see a pile of papers in the corner. I see an old fashioned pocket watch on the dresser. I am so thinking that’s yours Angel. Xander is not the pocket watch type.”

Xander watched as Angel’s eyes moved to track each item as Blair described it. “I see Xander in the corner. He’s safe, Angel.”

Now Angel growled. “No, he’s not. I’ll keep him safe.” That wasn’t making much sense, not even to Xander who wasn’t exactly good friends with logic.

“He is as safe as he can be in this world,” Blair corrected himself. “He’s not hurt.”

“Liar!” Angel snarled, and that sounded a whole lot like Angelus.

Blair fell silent for a time, and Angel kept a steady growl going. “Xander, are you hurt?” Blair asked, his voice softer than ever.

“I have to pee,” Xander answered. At this point, he had to pee bad enough that it was reaching hurting levels. His arm was bruised, and his guilt—oh his guilt was piled on so deep that he was going to be shoveling it for the next decade—however, right now his bladder had priority.

“Then pee,” Blair said. The exasperation in his voice seemed to aggravate Angel who growled louder.

“Hey, make him let me into the bathroom, and I’d be glad to,” Xander pointed out.

“Just pee,” Blair said. Now he really sounded tired. Xander reached out to catch Angel’s arm before he decided to go out and throw Blair around some more. Angel whirled around, flinching from Xander’s touch even as his cock hardened. Xander saw therapy in their future. Lots and lots of therapy. He also saw a floor sander and a lot of varnish if he peed on hardwood.

With a sigh, Xander gave up the fight with his bladder. He peed, the yellow stream splashing against the dark wood between him and Angel. Instead of flinching back, Angel looked at him with confusion, like he couldn’t figure out what the hell Xander was doing. Letting the pressure off his bladder felt so good that Xander sighed in relief, the pleasure making him sag back against the wall. “Oh so good,” Xander said, even if he had made a disgusting mess.

Angel tilted his head and moved closer. “Ewww,” Xander said softly when Angel stepped in the puddle he’d made. Angel’s hand came up to touch Xander’s cheek.

“I see Xander. He’s just human. I see him standing in the middle of the bedroom he renovated for you.” Blair was standing at the door that separated the sitting room from the sleeping area. “I see Xander, Angel. What do you see?”

Angel’s gaze focused on Xander, his head tilted so that Xander knew he heard Blair even if he wasn’t looking at him. Actually, right now it was good that he wasn’t looking at Blair.

“I see pain,” Angel said softly. “Trapped, locked in a hurting shell.” Angel ran his fingers over the curve of Xander’s neck, pressing them for a moment against Xander’s pulse point. “Trapped,” Angel echoed. “I don’t want you trapped,m’fhear.” Angel pulled Xander close, but this time, the arms held Xander without threatening to crush him.

“We all spend time in a body, Angel. It sucks, but that’s the way of life. We’ll get out eventually, but how can we appreciate being free without a little time trapped?” Blair asked. Angel looked over at Blair like he’d just lost his mind. Blair shrugged. “Think of it like a baby in its mother’s womb. It has to spend time trapped in there before it can be born. It’s small and cramped, but it’s normal Angel.”

Angel shook his head. “It’s not. It’s dark and it hurts.”

“Well, I think we can safely say you don’t get to brood about whether you’ve earned redemption,” Blair said with some amusement. Angel growled loudly, and Blair backed up a step. “Whoa, hey, you know me. I just talk. That’s what happens on Earth, Angel. You’re back on Earth.”

Angel looked around, and for the first time since Anyanka’s spell, Xander had the feeling he was actually seeing the room. “Home?” he asked.

Xander carefully brought his hand up to rest it against Angel’s arm. Angel shivered, his whole body trembling, but he didn’t shake off Xander’s touch. “Welcome home. And can I just say now how very sorry I am? Totally and completely sorry because you earned your spot in heaven. Or maybe earn is the wrong word since Father Peter always gets upset about it when you talk about earning heaven, but… but I lost my point in there somewhere,” Xander finished.

“You… you needed me.” Angel turned, still holding Xander carefully close, and Xander cringed at the feeling of water under his feet. “I… I did something.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Xander said. He let his hands rest against Angel’s hips, and Angel had another full body shiver. Maybe it was a little too soon to talk about heaven and hell stuff. “Blair, why are you naked?”

Blair shrugged. “When in Rome…. We anthropologists are big on respecting native cultures.”

“Okay, as one of the natives, I’d love it if you got dressed,” Xander said. In theory, he had no problem with naked Blair. In reality, it was more than a little freaksome to see his tutor naked.

“Cool,” Blair said and he turned to leave. “You two need some time. I’ll tell Spike to keep his nose out of here.”

“Yeah, do,” Xander agreed. Angel clearly needed calm, and Spike and calm were two things that went together as well as vinegar and baking soda. Explosions were just going to happen. Blair nodded and closed the door behind him as he headed into the hall.

“Spike?” Angel asked, sounding the word out like it was difficult for him to understand.

“Spike, your overactive kid,” Xander said. “Or grandkid. Sometimes you claim him, but when he comes home dragging arq snot across the floors, you generally blame Dru.”

“Spike.” Angel repeated the word. Slowly letting go of Xander, he backed up until he could sit on the bench at the end of the bed. “Spike and Drusilla.” Angel said the names like he wasn’t sure.

“It used to be,” Xander said. “Then it was Spike and Faith, which was all kinds of freaksome. Now it’s Spike and Cordelia, which is even freakier.”

“Cordelia.” Angel rested his elbows against his knees and let his head hang. Yeah, he had figured out they weren’t in hell, but his brain was not fully engaged.

“Cordelia runs the hotel and Spike threatens people.”

Angel’s head came up. “Threatening people is wrong.”

Xander thought about that for a second. He really tried to put himself in the shoes of someone who had just gotten thrown overboard out of heaven. He definitely couldn’t see heavenly beings threaten each other. “In a perfect world, yes,” Xander said, wishing they weren’t having this conversation when he hadn’t slept at all. “But in this world, sometimes you have to threaten people who are doing the wrong thing, like not paying Cordelia. That would be very wrong.”

Angel seemed to think about that for a while his yellow eyes studying Xander. “This world isn’t perfect,” Angel said slowly.

“Not even close,” Xander agreed. “I’m not perfect. Sometimes you threaten me because I’m doing something really stupid. Like when I was all mentally unhealthy boy after Faith and I slept together, you threatened me to get me to go to therapy. That threat was actually good.”

“Threats are good?” Angel looked not only confused but weary.

“Only sometimes,” Xander said. Angel might not remember everything, but unless he’d had a personality transplant in heaven, he was definitely going to take everything Xander said way too literally. “Threatening people when you’re trying to help them can be good. Or threatening people who are doing something bad and you’re trying to stop the bad, that’s good.”

Angel’s expression cleared, but then something darker started shadowing his eyes. “I threatened people.”

“Well, yeah,” Xander agreed. Angel had threatened people on a fairly regular basis.

“I threatened the man in the basement.” Now the self-loathing was pretty clear. Xander hadn’t ever seen Lindsey, but he’d heard a few snippets of stories that made him think that the lawyer wasn’t having the best month. And honestly, Xander didn’t know what to tell Angel. That had been Angelus, and Lindsey wasn’t exactly the innocent sort, but from what Xander had heard, the threats had been less threat-like and more torture-like, and torture was on the not-good list almost always. If Xander were a better man, he’s say torture was always on the no-list, but then Jenny Giles was still out there, so Xander planned to keep his options open.

Angel looked up at Xander, horror on his face. “I threatened Graham. I hurt him.”

“You threatened him. Wolfram and Hart hurt him.

“I sent them.” Clearly Angel was working his way up to a major brood—the sort of brood he hadn’t gone on since those early days back in the apartment in Sunnydale. And honestly, Xander hadn’t always liked Angel back then. Truthfully, he disliked Angel about 60 percent of the time.

With a sigh, Xander sank down next to Angel on the bench. “Not something you would have done in heaven, huh?”

Angel looked at him with wide brown eyes. Xander guessed that was a ‘no.’

“Hey, I would love to talk about heaven and hell and morality, only right now I’m dirty and tired and having a minor nervous breakdown. Is there any chance we could maybe wait until we’d had a couple of hours of sleep?”

“Sleep?” Angel just looked confused. Either heaven had done a partial mind wipe, or time didn’t work exactly the same way and he’d been up there a while. Xander stared at Angel, not sure where to even start. How did you explain sleep?

“Does it feel good when you close your eyes?” Xander asked, closing his own eyes. “Are your eyes stinging so that when you close them it doesn’t hurt as much?” Xander opened his eyes and saw that Angel had closed his. “Are you feeling sort of off-balance, like you can’t quite keep your balance?”

“Feet are awkward,” Angel agreed amiably without opening his eyes. Xander thought having feet was probably better than not having feet, but he wouldn’t argue the point right now.

“That means you’re tired. You want to lie down somewhere soft and close your eyes and let your body rest.” Xander avoided the whole going unconscious thing because he suspected Angel would freak out.

“Sleep.” Angel’s eyes came open. “It’s dangerous to sleep. You sleep and your sire attacks a gypsy clan, brings them back to the lair.”

“Um… if you had a sire. Your sire is gone, and Spike will not be attacking any gypsies,” Xander said. “This is home. This is where we can sleep. At least, we can sleep after getting some towels to soak up the mess and washing off. Pee and hardwood are not friends,” Xander said, looking sadly over at the yellow pool slowly sinking into his beautiful floor.

“The world is so fragile,” Angel said sadly.

“Yep, which is why we have to take care of it,” Xander said. He got up slowly, watching as Angel’s eyes followed him. Xander had backed away about three steps when Angel got up and shadowed him step for step, but Angel didn’t stop him. Using a washcloth, Xander wiped down his legs and feet before toweling them off. Angel watched silently, his eyes following every twitch. When Xander grabbed every towel in his arms, Angel tilted his head to the side, not even hiding his confusion. Xander knew he confused Angel all the time, but mostly Angel hid it rather than risk a lecture on the relative merits of Star Wars versus Star Trek. Now things were different. Angel was different. Their relationship was different. A wave of grief swept through Xander, hitting him so hard that he stopped in the door to the bathroom. For a moment, he stood with a half dozen oversized towels in his arms. Then Angel stepped close, his hand came up to gently rest against Xander’s shoulder.

“Fragile,” Angel said, his voice thick with sorrow.

“Fragile,” Xander agreed. He didn’t know if he was agreeing that the world was fragile or that he was, but both were true enough. Forcing his body into motion, Xander went over and started laying down towels to soak up the pee. Once they were all down, Xander thought about finishing the job, about hauling the towels downstairs to the laundry. Angel’s hand slowly curled around Xander’s arm.

“You need sleep,” Angel said, pulling at Xander. But this time, his hands were gentle, not like when he’d shoved Xander into the wall over and over. Abandoning the mess on the floor, Xander let Angel pull him back to the bed he’d last shared with Angelus. The bed where he’d decided he’d have to stake Angelus. The bed where he’d betrayed Angel and pulled him out of heaven by loving him too much. Xander’s eyes were hot and they itched, but Angel pulled him onto the bed and grabbed the covers. “Sleep,” Angel said again, his fingers stroking over Xander’s cheek before he traced the edge of Xander’s eyelids, forcing him to close his eyes. Despite the guilt and the fear and the memories that clung to him like chunky, yellow snot, Xander felt himself slide toward sleep.