The Cost of Butterfly Kisses

[lit_gal]

The Cost of Butterfly Kisses, Part 32
Fandom/Pairing: BtVS, Spike/Xander
Rated: ADULT


Summary: And the guys are FINALLY starting to put cards on the table.



(Chapter One... )  ( Chapter Two... )  ( Chapter Three... ) ( Chapter Four... ) ( Chapter Five )   ( Chapter Six )   ( Chapter 7 )  ( Chapter 8 )  ( Chapter Nine )  ( Chapter Ten )   ( Chapter Eleven )  ( Chapter Twelve ) ( Chapter Thirteen ) ( Chapter 14 . ) ( Chapter 15 )  ( Chapter 16 ) ( Chapter 17 ) ( Chapter 18 ) ( Chapter 19 ) ( Chapter 20 ) ( Chapter 21 )  ( Chapter 22 )  ( Chapter 23 )  ( Chapter 24 ) ( Chapter 25 )   ( Chapter 26 ) ( Chapter 27 ) ( Chapter 28 ) ( Chapter 29 )  ( Chapter 30 ) ( Chapter 31 )

Chapter 32

"How are you feeling?" Xander asked for the millionth time.

"Fine, Harris," Spike said, his voice tight with frustration. "If you don't stop fussing like a bloody housewife, I'm going to try out my new ability to hit you," he warned. Xander smiled at Spike. Yep, hell had frozen over, and somewhere out there, some mad scientist had pinned working wings onto a pig because he was relieved that Spike had his bite back.

"Riley really came through," Buffy said with a smile. "Go Riley, well except for the assface comment."

Spike didn't even bother to answer that; he just walked faster. Personally, Xander was surprised that Riley sent them a scientist to pull the chip out, and one little insult sent through a soldier didn't seem that big of a price to pay. Spike however, started walking a lot faster, and Buffy sped up to match pace.

"Hey, human legs here," Xander complained. Sometimes being the normal one seriously sucked. Without warning, both of them stopped, and Xander nearly ran into Buffy's back before he could get the brakes on.

"Buffy." Giles was there in the street, a stake in hand and three would-be-slayers following behind. Xander looked around for cover because he really did not want to get in the middle of Spike and Giles. The two men definitely still had a hate-hate thing going on that Xander couldn't even understand. Besides, his own feelings for Giles weren't exactly a model of good mental health. He hated that Giles had left them to deal with all the adult-type stuff like mortgages and breaking pipes and Child Protective Services. Okay, actually, he hated that Giles had left Buffy with all that. She had enough to deal with; she didn't need those things crowding out all her other very legitimate fears like death and Armageddon and demons of all sorts.

Spike took one look at Giles and turned around, heading into the night.

"Buffy, should I?" Xander looked from Buffy to Spike's retreating back.

"You should head back to the house. I need to speak with Buffy," Giles said in that teacher tone of voice that warned of detentions and Saturday school… which wasn't fair considering that Xander was an adult. Giles' tone of voice shouldn't work anymore.

"Keep an eye on him, okay?" Buffy said, looking at Spike who was halfway down the block.

"I fail to see how sending Xander to get killed will prevent Spike from—"

"Giles," Buffy cut him off, her voice weary. The potentials shifted uncomfortably.

Xander figured anything was better than hanging around for another version of Giles' old song: all the reasons we shouldn't trust Spike. Funny enough, they were the same reasons Xander hadn't trusted Angel, only there were more reasons for hating Angel. For example, Angel had a soul for like a century before he decided to do anything good with it. However, when Xander tried to point that out, he got the English tweed version of a shit look. Xander didn't need a second invitation to run for the hills. "Hey, wait up," Xander called, running after Spike.

"Buffy," Giles was saying behind him in a voice that was sharper than Xander had heard since Amy's failed attempt at a love spell.

"Hey, bleachbrain. Wait up."

Spike turned around. "Shouldn't you be more careful with the insults now?" Spike put on his best scary face, but Xander wasn't buying it.

"Yeah, eat me, and you'll have to go home and face Bonnie."

"Bloody hell, that's hitting below the belt," Spike said with a sigh. "So, Buffy tell you to keep an eye on me?"

"Yep, just as Giles was pointing out that I was kind of worthless."

The snort was familiar, and Xander smiled. At least Spike wasn't actually calling him worthless, which was actually some pretty good progress on the friendship front.

"So, are you really okay?"

"Are you asking about the chip or the First turning me into his bitch?"

"Okay, seriously, you talking about yourself as someone's bitch is really starting to creep me out." Xander wrinkled his nose.

They had turned a corner, so it felt like they were alone in the middle of abandoned houses when Spike turned to really stare at him. After several seconds, Xander reached up to wipe the sides of his mouth, afraid he had ketchup on them or something. "What?" he demanded.

Spike shook his head. "Can't figure you out is all."

"You never could," Xander said with a shrug.

"True enough. I just keep expecting…." Spike shook his head and started walking again without finishing his thought.

"Expecting what?" Xander asked, trotting to keep up.

"Nothing, Harris."

Reaching out, Xander caught Spike's arm, although he wasn't sure if he was trying to stop Spike or just holding on so Spike would pull him along at vamp speed. Spike really did have a habit of walking way too fast for comfort. However, Xander was completely thrown off balance when Spike whirled on him, game face on.

"Hey, whoa, no eating the escort," Xander blurted out. Shit. Why the hell had he followed Spike knowing that Spike had some trigger? Instead of attacking, Spike stopped, his game face vanishing, and the human face underneath looked more confused than anything.

"Fucking hell."

"What is your problem?" Xander demanded. Spike got the sort of constipated expression that Xander usually associated with Angel. "Seriously? What is your problem?"

"I'm a demon, mate."

"Well, duh," Xander answered. "And if you're feeling triggery or hungry, please forget that I just implied you're a giant idiot."

At first, Spike just stared at him. Finally, he found a nice bit of curb and sat down, his legs sprawled and his knees sticking up. Silently, Xander sat next to him, and Spike gave him a suspicious look. Xander had discovered with Bonnie that if you just waited long enough, people would explain whatever weirdness they had in their brain. You just had to out-silence them. Xander lasted about thirty seconds.

"Spike, just tell me what we're arguing about. Please."

"We aren't arguing."

Xander thought about that for a second. "Okay, not in the screaming and insulting each other's parentage sort of way, but this is feeling like a fight, and I feel like I've been cast in the role of Tony Harris, the idiot who came home without flowers on his anniversary."

"Loon," Spike whispered.

"Loony is way better than Tony Harris. If I could, I would lock my father up with Bonnie's grandmother and set the building on fire. So, what have I done that's Tony Harris levels of stupid?"

"What makes you think it's you?" Spike asked, and oddly, that sounded like a question and not a trick to try and get Xander to say something stupid.

"Um, Spike, it's always me. Trust me, my feet are in my mouth so much that everything I eat tastes faintly of foot."

"You're bloody doing it again."

"What?"

Spike ran his tongue along the inside of his lower lip. "You don't even bloody know you're doing it, do you?"

Xander mentally ran through all the things he was doing: breathing, freaking out a little, looking at an empty street, sitting on a curb, picking a hangnail… it all felt pretty normal to him. "Clearly, I don't," Xander said slowly.

With a shake of his head, Spike stared up at the stars. They were oddly visible since a whole row of streetlights had gone out. All in all, Sunnydale was starting to feel a little like a ghost town. "One second you're facing off against Buffy herself, and the next, you're ducking your head and making noises like you want me to take charge."

Xander waited, expecting some actual explanation in the explanation, but Spike fell silent. "And…?"

Spike looked over, his mouth coming open and closing without a word coming out. "Fucking hell, Harris. I can't tell if you're looking to take charge or follow. You break every fucking rule that makes any sense at all."

That made Xander lean back as he thought about what Spike was saying. It sounded a lot like the conversation they'd had when they'd gone from enemies to friends. "Is this part two of the 'you can't figure out why I'm not dead' speech? Because honestly? It sounds about the same. You thought I was some victim, but you couldn't figure out why I wasn't dead."

"And now you walk around ducking your head like some minion, but every once in a while, you dig your heels in and take on the slayer herself."

"And? Can't I do both… follow and dig in my heel?"

"No." Spike answered simply. It was an answer, but not really one Xander could live with. Yeah, demons did the whole clan, ownership, slavery, dominance thing, but Xander wasn't a demon. He had been once, but the hyena had been out for a good long time.

"Okay, I can see where you're coming from," he said slowly.

Spike snorted. "You've been watching too much Phil Donahue, luv."

"Who?"

That got a sigh. "Nevermind. Look, I don't need you doing some emotionally supportive rot. You annoy the unlife out of me, and you always will. Problem solved." Spike stood up and brushed off his jeans.

"Oh no. No, it's not solved; it's all problemy. Spike, I'm not a demon."

"Bloody hell, do you think I haven't noticed that?" Spike whirled on him.

"I don't know," Xander answered honestly. "Sometimes you act like I should be, that I should be all dominant or all submissive or all into demony hierarchies and clans, only I can't be, Spike. Those are the rules for demons, not humans."

Spike didn't answer, but at least when he started walking down the street, he walked slow enough for Xander to keep up without running.

"With you and Dru, was it always one person in charge?"

Spike pursed his lips and seemed to think about that. "All the way up until the end, yeah," he said, his voice softer than usual. Xander cringed as he realized that Dru was probably not the subject to bring up. Some days, he really was an idiot. Spike sighed. "She was always my princess, and I followed her like one of the bloody knights out of some soddin' book. Tosser."

"Um, Spike…."

"Yeah, until we came here. I decided that Angelus was ten pounds of stupid in a five pound sack, and I sided with the slayer. Things weren't ever the same, luv. I tried being the head of the clan, and she tossed me out on my ear quick enough."

It was weird, but Xander hadn't ever thought about what it had been like for Spike to turn against his own family. "Well, you were right with the Angel stuff."

"Yeah, that I was," Spike agreed with a wicked smile. "But I lost my wicked plum anyway."

"No offense, but she was a fruitcake."

"That she was. But she was my princess. When I was with her, I knew where I fit."

"You fit in the family," Xander said softly. After all the shit they'd been through together, Spike was one of them. Hell, at this point, he trusted Spike more than Willow, and he wasn't sure if that was a comment on how little he trusted Willow or how much he trusted Spike, but it was true.

"So, if we had sex, would you be top or bottom?"

Xander started choking, the air refusing to go into his lungs as reality unwound. No. No no no. No, Spike had not just said that.

"Breathe, Harris."

"You can't say something like that and then just tell me to breathe."

"If you don't, you'll pass out."

"Which might be good."

"Bloody hell, you smell like desire every time I come near enough. Are you trying to tell me you haven't thought about it?"

"No. I mean… no." Xander cringed. Okay, it was true that he'd enjoyed the bite a little more than he should have, but that wasn't lust. That was addiction. That was bad. Very bad. Huge with the bad. Spike kept watching him, one eyebrow raised. "Not that you aren't attractive, because you're very attractive. And lithe. And strong and sort of compact while still being well-muscled." Xander snapped his mouth shut. Last time he'd said something like that to Buffy, she'd thought he was sleeping with Spike already. Spike's eyebrow went higher.

"It's just…" Xander struggled to find a way to make it clear that he wasn't ever sleeping with Spike without being offensive. "I liked the bite, which is unhealthy, and I'm dealing with it. Hey, if I ever decided to go the Willow and Riley route to mental unhealth, you'll be my first stop, but really, just… no."

Spike's second eyebrow joined his first. "Liked the bite, did you?"

"I didn't not like it," Xander admitted.

That made Spike purse his lips. "You're about as unpredictable as the weather, pet. I figured you were the sort who wouldn't take to the bite."

Xander looked at Spike. "Is that a compliment or an insult?"

"An observation," Spike said with a shrug. "Pushed hard enough, you come out fighting, even when you know you can't win, so I figured you'd be too bent on trying to get the upper hand to ever let yourself just slide under the bite."

"Riley likes the bite and he's very much not the sliding under anything type."

Spike snorted.

"Seriously, Spike. He's not. I understand that you hate him, and I'd be huge with the hate… monumentally huge with the hate… if he shoved a chip in me, but I'm telling you, he's a stand-up guy when there aren't demons involved. When there are, he's a bit of a jackass, but no one's perfect. But he fell for the bite without being the pushover type."

Spike started walking down the street again, strolling casually as he scanned the street. "I could break the git in under a week."

Fear curled in Xander's stomach, turning his dinner to pure acid. "Please tell me you aren't actually planning to try."

"I would if the bloody soul weren't wailing over the very thought." Then Spike shrugged as if it didn't matter to him. "Seems like we got off track a bit. We were talking about your raging case of lust for me."

"Raging?" Xander's voice rose. "Way to be delusional, bleachbrain."

"So, you fancy yourself the sort to claim top or bottom, pet?" Spike kept right on talking as if Xander hadn't denied all of it.

"Neither. I'm not interested."

"Back when we started our little arrangement—"

"Blackmail," Xander corrected him.

"Arrangement," Spike repeated, "I thought for sure you'd be the sort to lift your shirt. But the longer I was in the house, the more I started to think you were more the take charge type, only no one saw it because you moved when no one was looking."

Xander sighed. He recognized that he couldn't win this argument so he resigned himself to just listening and turning bright red until Spike finally finished.

"Now, I can't figure which side of the bed you land on."

"Um, neither."

"So, that's why you maneuvered your way into my bedroom and bed?" Spike looked over with another of those patented grins of his.

"I'm trying to avoid potential slayers. Avoidance good. Avoidance is particularly good when you're pretty sure you want to murder a number of them." The one with the rich parents and the one with the hairspray addiction—those two Xander could cheerfully murder—metaphorically at least.

"So, when you're having salacious thoughts about me, are you on top or under me, feeling me holding you down?" Spike moved to a spot in front of Xander and stopped so that they were chest to chest before Xander could get stopped. Spike looked him up and down the way a kid eyes a lollipop, and that was really not the image Xander needed right now. His cock was definitely starting to betray him.

"What thoughts? Salsa thoughts? I like the hot stuff." Xander cringed again. Way to go with the double entendre. Even his subconscious was conspiring against him.

"I can play either part," Spike offered, and his cheekbones seemed to get sharper as his gaze travelled over Xander.

"You're switchy, good for you," Xander said as he took a step to the side. Spike sidestepped with him.

"Not really, pet. Drusilla, Angelus, Darla: they were all tops in every sense of the word." Spike brought his hand up and traced his thumb across Xander's cheek just under his eye. "I only took charge with minions, but old dogs can learn new tricks."

Xander stepped back, breaking the contact between them, but just when he expected Spike to pursue him, Spike stood, watching and waiting. "We're entering creepy land," Xander warned, but his body didn't agree with him. Spike was familiar and trusted. Spike was sexy, and most surprising, Spike wanted him. And boy wasn't that freaky.

"Wait… why do you suddenly want to have sex with me?" Xander demanded.

Spike cocked his head to the side. "Every guy likes to get his end off. I man gets tired of his hand."

"Yeah, but if you wanted to have sex with me, you would have when you were blackmailing me."

Turning around, Spike started walking down the street. "Probably would have raped you, only with the chip, it was sure to hurt."

"Really?" Xander had to run a few steps to catch up. "And seriously, I am screwy in the head because that almost feels like a compliment."

"You've been living with too many demons, luv."

"Hell, yes," Xander agreed. "You really did want me?"

Spike sighed. "Can I tell you something without you running back to tell your mates?"

"Spike, I'm not really talking to my mates all that much, in case you missed the memo. Buffy is freaking me out with her sudden detours into demon-think, Willow is trying so hard to be perfect that I keep waiting for the explosion, and Tara is spending all her time either with Willow or avoiding Willow, depending on where they are in their weird little courtship dance."

"Push comes to shove, you lot will pull together," Spike said with confidence.

"Yep," Xander agreed, "but until the pushing and the shoving starts, we're sort of keeping some distance. Besides, I don't think the girls have to know everything… not unless you're going to tell me you have some diabolical plan to end the universe, in which case, all promises are null and void."

"I didn't go after my soul." Spike whispered the confession so softly that Xander thought he misheard for a second.

"But… how did you end up with one, then? Did someone leave a soul laying around and you tripped on it and it just sort of stuck?"

That earned a true shit-look from Spike. "You're the idiot who dated a vengeance demon. Did wishes ever go exactly the way the wisher wanted?"

Xander thought back to all Anya's stories. "Not really. I mean, plenty of time, the women were happy enough with the outcome, ecstatic even. But usually Anya got a little creative with the way the spell was worded."

"True enough. I wished to be the man I was. I planned on getting the chip out, coming back and claiming both you and Buffy, putting you properly below me in the clan and buggering you until you enjoyed it."

"Okay, that's sounding less complimentary than creepy," Xander said softly as he thought about what that life would really be like. It wasn't a pretty picture.

"I figured I could prove to you that I was a good provider once I had the chip out, only the demon took my wording literally. He turned me back into the man I was before Drusilla turned me by giving me back my soul. Now I can see that I would have destroyed you—you and Buffy. But before the soul—" Spike shrugged.

"It made sense," Xander finished for him.

"Yeah," Spike agreed. "So, I still want to get my end off, but Buffy is…" he sighed. "I bollocked that up for fair. And maybe I figure I never had a chance to bollocks up my relationship with you, not considering you smell of lust every time I walk too near."

"So you just want sex." Xander was definitely not interested in that kind of relationship. Oh, his cock was. He was man enough to want sex anytime and anywhere he could get it. His whole relationship with Anya had pretty much proved that. Hell, if anything, Spike was being way more romantic in his approach than Anya had been.

"If that's all I can get," Spike said.

"Wait." Xander reached out and caught Spike's arm, pulling him to a stop. This time Spike stopped and just looked at Xander's arm with a cold expression that made it pretty clear he didn't approve of Xander manhandling him. Xander pulled his hand back. "Just hold on. You're confusing me faster than I can unconfused myself. Are you only wanting sex or are you asking me out on a date in some sort of twisted demony way?"

"What would you say if I was looking for something more than just sex?" Spike asked.

"I have no idea," Xander said quietly. He might have once joked about being celibate until Bonnie was grown, but he was lonely and alone and at night, he was pretty desperate for someone to hold.

"Which isn't a no," Spike said.

"It isn't a no. It isn't a yes, either. It's more of a 'god I'm confused,'" Xander explained. "I have no idea what we're doing Spike, and maybe the little head is a little interested. Maybe." It hurt to admit that. "But the big head is pretty sure this is going to end badly. Like dust and blood badly."

Spike stepped back. "You don't bloody trust me."

"I don't trust love," Xander corrected him. "As far as I can see, relationships never end well. Never. And when scary people are involved, they end in world-endingly bad ways. They end with mental rape and mind wipes and trips to suck houses and big stone demons with world ending portals. You see my point?"

Spike looked at him for a long time, and Xander almost felt strange that someone was taking so much time to weigh Xander's words. "You lot do have some bad mojo when it comes to love," Spike finally agreed. "Part of it is that you think you can control it. You can't. Love makes all of us her bitch, Harris. Every single one of us. The best we can do is submit to her and get as much joy out as we can, because the end will always be there lurking in the shadows. Living your life with one eye on the darkness at the edges… well, that's just a sure way to get the lady brassed off. Just live in the moment and wallow in the love when you have it, pet. It'll end on its own soon enough without you rushing the process."

Xander stared at Spike, not sure what to say. Spike had a way of making it sound all so… possible. But that made him even more confused because up until this moment, Xander had been totally convinced that Spike didn't want him. His own stray homoerotic twinges were far easier to control when the object of his desire was unattainable. And now, all those little twinges were ganging up on him and threatening to stage a coup.

"Just something to think about, luv," Spike said with a smile before he turned to face the empty street. "We have company."

"We… what?" Xander's brain spluttered like a dying engine as he tried to focus on anything other than his rearranged world.

"Company," Spike repeated. He nodded at the street, and Xander watched as a man came out from the alley between two houses.

"Principal Wood," Xander said, wondering what the man was doing out here. Buffy said he was a vampire hunter, but as far as Xander knew, this neighborhood wasn't exactly known for vampires. Vampires usually hunted where there were people, and that wasn't this neighborhood.

"Gentleman," Principal Wood greeted them, and Xander put on his best at-work smile. As often as the school got parts of it blown up, they were a pretty big customer.

"Principal Wood," he answered. Spike remained silent.

"Robin," Principal Wood corrected him. "So, are you two out hunting tonight?" He closed the gap between them, smiling.

"Yeah, hunting," Xander agreed because that was way less awkward than trying to explain what they'd been talking about.

"Well, it's always good to meet other hunters," Robin said. "Maybe we should team up for the night," he suggested.

"Sure," Xander rushed to say, grateful for any reason to get out of the world's most awkward conversation with Spike.

"Right then," Spike said while making it sound like a curse word. Robin frowned for a second. "If we're hunting, you two need to get moving." With that, he started striding down the street with a blindingly fast loose-limbed gait.

"So… um…" Xander frowned, not sure how to explain Spike's pissy mood.

"Let's go hunting," Robin said cheerfully as he followed after Spike.