Thoughts Colored Ugly 16
Jan. 12th, 2008 09:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lit_galBIG WARNINGS: This chapter has a whipping, and a pretty serious one. This is not sexual fun, this is Jayne facing his guilt and taking his licks. If that squicks you, just take my word that Jayne's body hurts but his soul feels better by the end and skip right on by
Thoughts Colored Ugly 16/?
River/Jayne
Rated: ADULT
Warnings: Dom/sub, slavery, angst, SEE ABOVE
Previous parts
Thoughts Colored Ugly 16/?
River/Jayne
Rated: ADULT
Warnings: Dom/sub, slavery, angst, SEE ABOVE
Previous parts
Jayne finally found River in the pilot's chair, Mal sitting co-pilot, which were strange considering they were parked so there wasn't much piloting to be done. She had her feet pulled up under her as she looked over the consol where Wash's dinosaurs still sat like some sort of gravemarker.
River held out a hand and Jayne went to her side, sanding behind the chair.
"Jayne," Mal offered.
"Mal," Jayne gave right back, and then the talking seemed to be pretty much done.
River looked from one to the other with that particular expression that said she was listening to others' thoughts. Eventually Mal sighed.
"I don't hold a grudge about Ariel," Mal said as he studied Jayne.
"Me neither."
"You? What would you have to hold a grudge about?" Mal immediately demanded.
"You just about spaced me. If you want to gut shoot me or horsewhip me, I ain't so good as to think I don't deserve it, but you were going to space me," Jayne pointed out indignantly.
"Oh." Mal fell quiet.
"And I forgive the captain for being stupid," River announced into the silence after a minute or so. "And now I need to give Jayne pain so I can forgive him for being stupid."
And there was the awkward silence again. Mal's eyes went from River to him and back again as River stood up.
"Jayne, you okay with this?" Mal suddenly asked. Jayne looked over in surprised and then glanced at River, but she didn't look like she was taking offense at Mal sticking his nose in their business.
"If I weren't, I'd take it up with River," Jayne answered. Mal stared at him for a long minute, and Jayne struggled to find some words to put on how he was feeling. "Ain't looking forward to it." Mal snorted, and Jayne ignored him as he kept going. "But I'd rather it be done than have it hanging over me. I suppose it's only right that I pay some sort of price because what I done was…" the word unforgivable was near to coming off Jayne's tongue, but he pulled it back because he really hoped that wasn't true.
"Stupid," River supplied for him instead.
"Yeah, that," Jayne agreed.
Mal looked at him with a frown before nodding as he obviously reached some conclusion in his own head. "I'm going to go get Simon." Jayne opened his mouth and Mal held up his hand to keep him from interrupting. "I ain't never had a horsewhipping on this boat, and I want the doc there just in case something goes wrong because we both know that accidents happen. Won't take no argument on that point."
Jayne glanced at River. Horsewhipping. He'd hoped it'd be a flogging, but she was taking this punishment seriously. River's hand came out and rested on his arm for a second, and Jayne took some comfort from the warmth of it, the weight as it rested on his skin. He nodded before looking at the captain. "I ain't got no problem with the doc being there. I figure he's got a right to watch seeing as how it were his hide I tried to turn in." Mal looked kinda dumbstruck. "But I was going to point out that if that chou ba guai bastard tries laying into me with his words again, I'm real likely to punch him in his mouth and make him even uglier, so you warn him that he's there to watch and take whatever pleasure he gets from it *silently*." Jayne crossed his arms and glared at Mal meaningfully.
"I'll be having that discussion with him," Mal agreed, and then River pushed at Jayne, urging him out of the room, and Jayne went. The bread he'd eaten was already heavy on his stomach and he feared he was going to get sick even before the whipping started. He hadn't expected her to go for a horsewhipping. The single tail horsewhip could do a man a whole heap of harm.
River slipped her arm into Jayne's. "Amygdala to the adrenal medulla and laterodorsal tegmental nucleus releasing epinephrine and norepinephrine," she said calmly as they walked the corridor.
"What?"
"Fear," River clarified.
Jayne didn't answer as they walked the stairs down to the cargo level. He couldn't rightly deny he had fear running through his guts, and he didn't really know what she wanted him to say about it.
"Fear won't go away until you've had punishment and forgiveness." She said it all matter of fact, not like Inara who talked about it with something like sympathy or Kaylee who were horrified. "Amygdala makes memories that imprint so deep you won't ever forget again," she finished.
Jayne had no idea what she was talking about, but he figured the not forgetting part was going to be about right. He hadn't let anyone touch him for punishment since the day he punched his step father. What the man and his friends did later that night, that weren't a punishment, that was them beating on him. Jayne pushed all those thoughts aside as River led him into the cargo bay. The loader was still sitting there but all the boxes and bags were gone.
"Feel things so deep. Hide them under rough words, so others don't think you feel it all." River looked up at him, and Jayne felt stripped naked.
"Don't know what you're talking about," he said quickly. "How we doing this?" Jayne stepped to the middle of the cargo bay. "The others know?"
"I told Zoe and Captain. You told Inara and Kaylee," River said, dropping the discussion of just what Jayne was feeling. He nodded as she went to one of the hatches where they kept merchandise they shouldn't rightly have at all. She pulled the false panel and brought out a whip. It wasn't a horsewhip, no matter what Mal had said. It was still a wicked looking thing, though. Had ten or twelve long tails that were going to sting like a son of a bitch.
"Let's get it over then," Jayne said as he pulled his shirt over his head without bothering with buttons. "Where you want me?" He looked around the hold and could see a half dozen places where he could lean or lay while she done this.
"Fear," River whispered, her warm hand on his back near to making him jump out of his skin.
"Shouldn't outta sneak up on a man," he growled. She just looked at him with a small frown of confusion. "Just want this over," he muttered as he held his shirt, not sure where to put it.
River's voice got that far-off sound to it. "Father made you go get a switch. You'd agonize over which to bring. Too big would hurt too much. Too small and he'd go get one. Hated that more than the whipping. Hated walking across the yard and seeing your father's face. How old were you when you moved to grandfather's home?" River asked. Girl didn't seem to be good at staying on track today, Jayne wondered if should be worried about that.
"Two or three, just after my grandfather died," Jayne answered slowly as he focused on the cargo bay, not sure he wanted to get into the past when he had a present he was worrying about a good deal more. Jayne clenched his teeth against emotions he didn't want nagging at him when he had something to get through. His father was dead and rotting in the ground and talking about him wouldn't change that fact.
River leaned against his back, her arms circling his waist. "Jayne did something stupid and there *has* to be punishment. Stratum corneum, nerve endings, stratum germinativum, stratum spinosum, down into dermis where guilt lays."
"Know that. Ain't saying anything against it," Jayne said carefully as he tried to push his emotions aside. The one hand circling his waist still held the whip so he had a real good view of it: braided leather, cured leather, wood handle, so Jayne found that mass of emotions stewing in him pushed right out of the way by fear.
He could hear a ruckus from the walk, heavy boots that were sure to be Mal. "Where you want me?" he asked quickly. River slowly let him go and just stood behind him. Jayne didn't even look back.
"Leaning against the hauler," she said. It would put him at an awkward angle, but Jayne didn't complain as he walked over to the back of the vehicle. Tossing his shirt onto one of the seats, he put both palms flat against the back. It left him bending over some.
"This is barbaric, why do I have to be here?" Simon was complaining.
"Thought this were what you wanted," Jayne called out, but he didn't turn his head to look at Mal and the doctor as he heard them come down the stairs.
"I never… Okay, I said you should be horsewhipped, I certainly never meant it. As a doctor, I am against all forms of pain."
"And I'm against accidents on my ship with my crew, so you'll be here making sure there aren't any," Mal insisted firmly.
"Mei mei, whatever has gotten in your head that this is somehow necessary, I'm telling you that you need to stop. Hurting another human being is never right." Simon sounded all logical, but the sound of the whip cracking against Jayne's back sounded in his ears about a half second before the pain registered. Jayne hissed. Guess Simon's logic hadn't convinced her. Gorram whip hurt.
"River!" Simon called out. The lash came down again. The lashes from the first stroke were already fading from fire to a dull ache, but the new hit set his whole back on fire.
"Stay out of it!" Mal called, and Jayne could hear scuffling. As the whip landed several times, the rhythm of it caught Jayne on every breath out, opening pain as the long tails burned his back. Then the burn sunk into his skin, turning into a deep ache that reached down into his guts.
The whip came down again and again, and Jayne rocked forward against the hauler, struggling against an instinct that would have him turn around and fight. Another hit came higher, catching the top of his shoulder where the skin was still untouched, and Jayne flinched, one hand coming up off the hauler before he got back into position. River's hand was there then, hot against his back, burning and making him bite back a curse. Fingers trailed across his back leaving a hot path of pain as she came to his side and leaned against the hauler next to him.
"You done?" Jayne asked in confusion. His back was hot and tight so that he couldn't think of much else. The middle throbbed where the lash marks had overlapped, but overall it weren't bad at all.
"No," River answered. She just looked at him for several seconds. "Why am I doing this?"
Jayne groaned. Gorram memories of his weren't ever going to do him any good. He remembered this from being a boy. "Any chance you'll just get on with the whipping and not make me do the talking?" Jayne asked.
"No."
"You're a sadist, know this, right?" Jayne asked.
River looked at him very seriously. "Cutting out the wrong hurts."
"Ain't much use arguing that. Fine." Jayne took a deep breath and remembered the rules from a time back when he'd been a different Jayne Cobb. "I tried to sell you and your brother out to the feds."
Jayne could hear some disturbance behind him, and then Mal's voice rose up loud and strong. "I'd take it as a kindness if you kept quiet and didn't make me get unhappy with you because you ain't going to like it if I get unhappy."
"Stop this or I will."
"No, you won't."
"Or what?" Simon demanded.
"Seeing as how I make out the duty roster. I see potential for you cleaning the septic system for a month," Mal warned in that tone that weren't good news for the person on the other end. Jayne smiled evilly knowing that at least Simon was getting some of the captain's ire. River was frowning in their direction.
"Stupid brother," she complained darkly. "This is for you and me and he's being a big zhu tou." She sighed as she walked to the back again. Jayne braced himself. The next hit was worse. The break had given his blood time to rush to the surface, and it felt like she were cutting him open. Two more lashes came quick on the heels, and now Jayne could feel his legs start to get unsteady as the pain built steadily. Another hit and another and another, and Jayne was caught so out of breath that the world got gray for a second. The hand was back then, bringing heat to a burning desert as it trailed across his back. Jayne arched his back to get away from that touch, and his muscles complained mightily.
"What did you try to do before you sold us out?" River asked calmly. Jayne had such a mass of white noise in his head he had trouble thinking about anything other than the pain in his back which was starting to sink into him.
"Told Mal to put you off," he finally answered.
"He said no. What rule did he give you?" River asked the question calmly, but then she walked around him, fingernails scoring across his back so that all thought skittered right out of his brain. Jayne couldn't even catch his breath. "What rule?" she asked, leaning into him, the buttons on her dress pressing points of pain into him.
"We don't never leave our own behind," Jayne answered, his brain struggling to find the answer in the scatterings of his thought.
"We don't never leave our own behind," River repeated softly. "You broke that rule."
The next hits weren't a surprise. Jayne let his mind sink into the pain, one strike fading into the next like fireworks against his back that drove the air right out of him. When the whipping stopped, he sagged forward, his elbows braced on the hauler as he struggled to pull enough air into his lungs to drive back the gray. Again, her hand brought fire to his back.
"Jayne, the man on the planet was stupid. He was greedy and wanted the reward. If he wasn't stupid, what should he have done?"
"Don't gorram know," Jayne complained. His brain weren't up to even counting his own fingers, so figuring out other people's motivations weren't something he could do right now. His back was fire and his legs shook so bad that Jayne had to focus just to keep upright.
"You're a fed. You know where prisoners are. What should you do?" River asked, her breath in his ear. Jayne rested his forehead against the cool of the hauler, wishing he could lay his back against that and ease the heat that burned him, but he knew it weren't over yet.
"Should call it in," Jayne answered as the questions finally made sense.
"Two by two, hands of blue," River said softly. "They would have come. What would they have done?" Jayne knew what was down that path. Knew since he'd heard the screams of the surviving feds. He didn't answer.
River vanished again, and Jayne forced himself to push off from the hauler, to support himself on arms that tingled and shook near as bad as his legs. Jayne could hear the slaps of leather against skin. He could feel the heat surge and flair without feeling the actual bite of the whip in one spot. His world became the heat in his back and the struggle to keep his legs under him. He weren't going to collapse. He just weren't. He was Jayne Cobb, and no whipping could take him down.
"What would they have done?" River demanded, but her voice was farther away, not whispers in his ear, but a command from a distance. Jayne gasped for air.
"What would they have done?" Louder.
"Brought in ships," Jayne blurted. "Shot down the Serenity. Killed everyone." Jayne's legs nearly gave out, and they might have if he'd had just the truth weighing on him, but the whip returned, and the fire centered him on that pain. Would have killed everyone. Would have killed Kaylee dead when he had told himself the whole time he were trying to protect her. Would have made the only place Jayne'd called home since he was sixteen years old a pile of scorched scrap. Came so close. If someone else hadn't been as stupid as he had been... Jayne gasped for a shuddering breath as pain of a whole other sort rolled through him until he thought he was going to throw up.
Jayne closed his eyes, and focused on the rhythm of the whip against his skin. That was a pain he knew. He could feel that. It was safer feeling that. The world vanished into the truth of the whip against his skin, as he got a light-headed feeling that left him so dizzy that he had to widen his legs to keep from toppling over like an unbalanced load. He only knew the whipping had stopped when he couldn't hear the slap of leather anymore. Silence.
He leaned into the hauler for what seemed like a long time. Jayne wondered if she had just left, but he didn't have the strength to turn and look. His mouth tasted of bile, and Jayne swallowed back an urge to be sick. Fingers stroked his cheek this time, and Jayne opened his eyes and looked at her. River's eyes were bright, like she was trying not to cry.
"What rule would have kept us all safe?" she asked.
"We don't never leave our own behind," Jayne immediately answered. River smiled at him, stroking his cheek with the back of her fingers.
"Two strokes. Strokes you won't forget," River said, and she showed him the horsewhip. The single tail of dark leather stood out against the white of the hauler. Jayne couldn't form words; he just nodded.
She walked behind him.
"Mei mei! No!"
"Doc, you stay outta this."
"As the doctor, I'm putting a stop to this whipping right now."
"You do that, and you'd better hook that fancy gizmo you got up to him, and I'd better see something flashing red. If there ain't some reason for thinking Jayne's on the verge of death, I'll let River finish and deal with you myself."
"What? With a whip? This is barbaric."
Jayne knew the voices, he just couldn't bother himself to sort out who was who. The words washed over him, meaningless noise.
"Jayne's mine. He won't forget the rule again." River's voice Jayne knew. The rule he knew. They didn't leave their own behind. The first hit of the horsewhip caught him across his shoulders, and he fell forward onto the loader. Warm trickled down his back, blood or sweat he didn't know, but it aggravated the fire that had soaked into every cell of his body.
"One," River said behind him.
Jayne gulped air and pushed himself back up on legs that trembled under him. The second line of fire caught him just below the first, and Jayne could see red splattering against the hauler as he fell to his knees gasping.
Strong hands caught him, the arm around his waist opening new fires that threatened to consume him, and Jayne couldn't rightly think past the pain as he struggled to get his legs under him. Couldn't even remember why he had to get his legs under him, but he did.
A second arm caught him so that now he was between two bodies. Jayne could feel them lift his weight, the muscle of his back screaming, but at least he could get his legs under him as he blinked to clear the darkness from his vision.
"You should put him down. I'll get a stretcher," a voice called from a distance. Jayne blinked again and saw River on one side, her arm around his waist and her hand on his stomach.
"Strong Jayne. No more guilt." She smiled up at him, and Jayne couldn't even form a word for a second. Didn't matter what he did, she'd forgiven him. "All the guilt is gone." She said the words like a command.
"Gorram well should be," Jayne muttered. "And I can walk. I ain't riding up in no stretcher unless I got a leg missing." He had more to say, but words kept sliding right out of his brain.
"Ain't never seen anyone take a whipping like that without being tied down."
Jayne turned his head and spotted Mal on his other side. He blinked, trying to figure out what was wrong with the wall behind Mal. Took him a second to realize they were walking, his feet sluggishly imitation motion as they basically carried him toward the infirmary.
"Do I have to worry about you tending Jayne?" Mal asked. Jayne couldn't even figure that out until Simon answered from somewhere behind them.
"What? No. No, I'll tend him. I have painkillers that will help, and I should close that one mark or it might scar."
"No." River said the word quietly and without looking away from Jayne. "He needs the scar," she said without even trying to explain the comment.
"Boo-tai jung-tzahng-duh," Mal muttered. Jayne weren't sure whether the captain meant River's insanity or his own because she was right about the scar. If he was going to feel this much pain, he'd earned a mark he could show for it.
"River…" Simon choked on the word.
"She's better than I thought at this slave-owning," Jayne muttered. They finally reached the infirmary and Mal and River helped him up on the dented table, laying him on his stomach.
"A mite too good for my comfort," Mal sighed. "Do me a favor, Jayne." Mal bent down to look Jayne in the face. "Never, ever do something so stupid as to earn a whipping like this again. I got enough gray hairs worrying about what stupid thing you're going to do next, I don't want to be worrying about the state of your back after you've done it."
"Ain't ever looking for a repeat of this," Jayne agreed. "And doc?"
Simon appeared in front of him which were nice considering that Jayne didn't think he could go twisting around much without passing out. "You mention Ariel to me again, you ever mention it other than as some planet we ain't like to go to again, and I'll punch you in the mouth hard enough to make you lose teeth."
"I…" Simon looked up and over Jayne to where River must be standing. "I won't ever mention it again."
"Good," Jayne muttered. The doc disappeared.
"I'll put that on," River said, and Jayne couldn't see what she was talking about. Didn't care either. All he cared about was that he was finally lying down and he could just sink into the pain. Fingers brought cool to his back, stroking gently, tracing the path the whip had burned.
"Doc, let's go," Mal said.
"I should stay."
"Is he in any danger?"
"No, he doesn't appear to be, but I should monitor…" Simon's voice cut off and Jayne watched with some satisfaction as Mal bodily pulled Simon out of the room.
River sighed. "Stupid brother doesn't get it. All interrupting." River's voice was as soft as her fingers slowly spread cool over his back. The cream took the heat, but it left an almighty ache behind. For long minutes, he just breathed and her fingers gently smoothed the cream across his whip-scores.
"I am sorry," Jayne said softly. "Thought I was doing right."
"I know. Kissed Jesus," she said, and that didn't make much sense to Jayne, but maybe that was because the world was starting to get gray around the edges. She came around to the side Jayne was facing and she laid her palm against his cheek.
"Never wanted to think about how close I came to getting everyone killed. Zoe, Mal, and me, we're fighters. Deserve to go down facing the gun that's going to end us. They would have taken us out without giving us that chance," Jayne admitted the darkness that he'd been fighting back in the bay. He could feel despair chew at the edges of his mind as he thought on just how much he'd done wrong.
"They had their secrets," River agreed.
"Put Kaylee and Wash and Inara in the path of them, too. Didn't even think through that before I put targets on all of us."
"You didn't know," she said softly as she climbed on the table, fitting herself awkwardly on the four inches that were left between him and the edge. He watched as she reached up, but then closed his eyes as she used fingers to trace over his eyelids, and down to his lips, over his cheeks and then back up to his ear.
"Should have. Mal knew. In the airlock, he told me that I got pinched because I talked. I just didn't think it through. Always make the wrong choice."
"Not always." River's caress wandered down his arm to where the cuff was still locked around his wrist.
Jayne didn't argue because he was starting to think that letting her put the cuff on him weren't such a bad idea, but the fact was, he was mighty good at always choosing the wrong side. He felt fatigue pull at him, making his body heavy as his face tingled from her touch.
"I forgive you." She said the words, and Jayne had to blink to rid of himself of a warmth in his eyes.
"Beautiful Jayne," she sighed. "Took everything. Mal was impressed." Jayne smiled a little, and fingers traced the new shape of his mouth. "Brother is all black with guilt because he thinks I took the idea from his words last night." Jayne smiled wider. He started a low chuckle at the thought of Simon eaten with guilt, but the movement just made him groan.
"And now Jayne will remember the rule and all that strength is going to stay by my side." Her fingers danced across his arm and sent a shiver though him that just made his back ache worse. She shifted a little closer, her body pressing against his on the small table. "All that strength aimed right where I send it. Never going to get in trouble like this again."
Jayne found himself believing her. He also found himself wondering if there was something in that cream because sleep was pulling him under even though he hadn't been awake long. "My beautiful, strong Jayne," she breathed in his ear, the words tickling him, but he was too tired to scratch. Instead he slid into sleep.
River held out a hand and Jayne went to her side, sanding behind the chair.
"Jayne," Mal offered.
"Mal," Jayne gave right back, and then the talking seemed to be pretty much done.
River looked from one to the other with that particular expression that said she was listening to others' thoughts. Eventually Mal sighed.
"I don't hold a grudge about Ariel," Mal said as he studied Jayne.
"Me neither."
"You? What would you have to hold a grudge about?" Mal immediately demanded.
"You just about spaced me. If you want to gut shoot me or horsewhip me, I ain't so good as to think I don't deserve it, but you were going to space me," Jayne pointed out indignantly.
"Oh." Mal fell quiet.
"And I forgive the captain for being stupid," River announced into the silence after a minute or so. "And now I need to give Jayne pain so I can forgive him for being stupid."
And there was the awkward silence again. Mal's eyes went from River to him and back again as River stood up.
"Jayne, you okay with this?" Mal suddenly asked. Jayne looked over in surprised and then glanced at River, but she didn't look like she was taking offense at Mal sticking his nose in their business.
"If I weren't, I'd take it up with River," Jayne answered. Mal stared at him for a long minute, and Jayne struggled to find some words to put on how he was feeling. "Ain't looking forward to it." Mal snorted, and Jayne ignored him as he kept going. "But I'd rather it be done than have it hanging over me. I suppose it's only right that I pay some sort of price because what I done was…" the word unforgivable was near to coming off Jayne's tongue, but he pulled it back because he really hoped that wasn't true.
"Stupid," River supplied for him instead.
"Yeah, that," Jayne agreed.
Mal looked at him with a frown before nodding as he obviously reached some conclusion in his own head. "I'm going to go get Simon." Jayne opened his mouth and Mal held up his hand to keep him from interrupting. "I ain't never had a horsewhipping on this boat, and I want the doc there just in case something goes wrong because we both know that accidents happen. Won't take no argument on that point."
Jayne glanced at River. Horsewhipping. He'd hoped it'd be a flogging, but she was taking this punishment seriously. River's hand came out and rested on his arm for a second, and Jayne took some comfort from the warmth of it, the weight as it rested on his skin. He nodded before looking at the captain. "I ain't got no problem with the doc being there. I figure he's got a right to watch seeing as how it were his hide I tried to turn in." Mal looked kinda dumbstruck. "But I was going to point out that if that chou ba guai bastard tries laying into me with his words again, I'm real likely to punch him in his mouth and make him even uglier, so you warn him that he's there to watch and take whatever pleasure he gets from it *silently*." Jayne crossed his arms and glared at Mal meaningfully.
"I'll be having that discussion with him," Mal agreed, and then River pushed at Jayne, urging him out of the room, and Jayne went. The bread he'd eaten was already heavy on his stomach and he feared he was going to get sick even before the whipping started. He hadn't expected her to go for a horsewhipping. The single tail horsewhip could do a man a whole heap of harm.
River slipped her arm into Jayne's. "Amygdala to the adrenal medulla and laterodorsal tegmental nucleus releasing epinephrine and norepinephrine," she said calmly as they walked the corridor.
"What?"
"Fear," River clarified.
Jayne didn't answer as they walked the stairs down to the cargo level. He couldn't rightly deny he had fear running through his guts, and he didn't really know what she wanted him to say about it.
"Fear won't go away until you've had punishment and forgiveness." She said it all matter of fact, not like Inara who talked about it with something like sympathy or Kaylee who were horrified. "Amygdala makes memories that imprint so deep you won't ever forget again," she finished.
Jayne had no idea what she was talking about, but he figured the not forgetting part was going to be about right. He hadn't let anyone touch him for punishment since the day he punched his step father. What the man and his friends did later that night, that weren't a punishment, that was them beating on him. Jayne pushed all those thoughts aside as River led him into the cargo bay. The loader was still sitting there but all the boxes and bags were gone.
"Feel things so deep. Hide them under rough words, so others don't think you feel it all." River looked up at him, and Jayne felt stripped naked.
"Don't know what you're talking about," he said quickly. "How we doing this?" Jayne stepped to the middle of the cargo bay. "The others know?"
"I told Zoe and Captain. You told Inara and Kaylee," River said, dropping the discussion of just what Jayne was feeling. He nodded as she went to one of the hatches where they kept merchandise they shouldn't rightly have at all. She pulled the false panel and brought out a whip. It wasn't a horsewhip, no matter what Mal had said. It was still a wicked looking thing, though. Had ten or twelve long tails that were going to sting like a son of a bitch.
"Let's get it over then," Jayne said as he pulled his shirt over his head without bothering with buttons. "Where you want me?" He looked around the hold and could see a half dozen places where he could lean or lay while she done this.
"Fear," River whispered, her warm hand on his back near to making him jump out of his skin.
"Shouldn't outta sneak up on a man," he growled. She just looked at him with a small frown of confusion. "Just want this over," he muttered as he held his shirt, not sure where to put it.
River's voice got that far-off sound to it. "Father made you go get a switch. You'd agonize over which to bring. Too big would hurt too much. Too small and he'd go get one. Hated that more than the whipping. Hated walking across the yard and seeing your father's face. How old were you when you moved to grandfather's home?" River asked. Girl didn't seem to be good at staying on track today, Jayne wondered if should be worried about that.
"Two or three, just after my grandfather died," Jayne answered slowly as he focused on the cargo bay, not sure he wanted to get into the past when he had a present he was worrying about a good deal more. Jayne clenched his teeth against emotions he didn't want nagging at him when he had something to get through. His father was dead and rotting in the ground and talking about him wouldn't change that fact.
River leaned against his back, her arms circling his waist. "Jayne did something stupid and there *has* to be punishment. Stratum corneum, nerve endings, stratum germinativum, stratum spinosum, down into dermis where guilt lays."
"Know that. Ain't saying anything against it," Jayne said carefully as he tried to push his emotions aside. The one hand circling his waist still held the whip so he had a real good view of it: braided leather, cured leather, wood handle, so Jayne found that mass of emotions stewing in him pushed right out of the way by fear.
He could hear a ruckus from the walk, heavy boots that were sure to be Mal. "Where you want me?" he asked quickly. River slowly let him go and just stood behind him. Jayne didn't even look back.
"Leaning against the hauler," she said. It would put him at an awkward angle, but Jayne didn't complain as he walked over to the back of the vehicle. Tossing his shirt onto one of the seats, he put both palms flat against the back. It left him bending over some.
"This is barbaric, why do I have to be here?" Simon was complaining.
"Thought this were what you wanted," Jayne called out, but he didn't turn his head to look at Mal and the doctor as he heard them come down the stairs.
"I never… Okay, I said you should be horsewhipped, I certainly never meant it. As a doctor, I am against all forms of pain."
"And I'm against accidents on my ship with my crew, so you'll be here making sure there aren't any," Mal insisted firmly.
"Mei mei, whatever has gotten in your head that this is somehow necessary, I'm telling you that you need to stop. Hurting another human being is never right." Simon sounded all logical, but the sound of the whip cracking against Jayne's back sounded in his ears about a half second before the pain registered. Jayne hissed. Guess Simon's logic hadn't convinced her. Gorram whip hurt.
"River!" Simon called out. The lash came down again. The lashes from the first stroke were already fading from fire to a dull ache, but the new hit set his whole back on fire.
"Stay out of it!" Mal called, and Jayne could hear scuffling. As the whip landed several times, the rhythm of it caught Jayne on every breath out, opening pain as the long tails burned his back. Then the burn sunk into his skin, turning into a deep ache that reached down into his guts.
The whip came down again and again, and Jayne rocked forward against the hauler, struggling against an instinct that would have him turn around and fight. Another hit came higher, catching the top of his shoulder where the skin was still untouched, and Jayne flinched, one hand coming up off the hauler before he got back into position. River's hand was there then, hot against his back, burning and making him bite back a curse. Fingers trailed across his back leaving a hot path of pain as she came to his side and leaned against the hauler next to him.
"You done?" Jayne asked in confusion. His back was hot and tight so that he couldn't think of much else. The middle throbbed where the lash marks had overlapped, but overall it weren't bad at all.
"No," River answered. She just looked at him for several seconds. "Why am I doing this?"
Jayne groaned. Gorram memories of his weren't ever going to do him any good. He remembered this from being a boy. "Any chance you'll just get on with the whipping and not make me do the talking?" Jayne asked.
"No."
"You're a sadist, know this, right?" Jayne asked.
River looked at him very seriously. "Cutting out the wrong hurts."
"Ain't much use arguing that. Fine." Jayne took a deep breath and remembered the rules from a time back when he'd been a different Jayne Cobb. "I tried to sell you and your brother out to the feds."
Jayne could hear some disturbance behind him, and then Mal's voice rose up loud and strong. "I'd take it as a kindness if you kept quiet and didn't make me get unhappy with you because you ain't going to like it if I get unhappy."
"Stop this or I will."
"No, you won't."
"Or what?" Simon demanded.
"Seeing as how I make out the duty roster. I see potential for you cleaning the septic system for a month," Mal warned in that tone that weren't good news for the person on the other end. Jayne smiled evilly knowing that at least Simon was getting some of the captain's ire. River was frowning in their direction.
"Stupid brother," she complained darkly. "This is for you and me and he's being a big zhu tou." She sighed as she walked to the back again. Jayne braced himself. The next hit was worse. The break had given his blood time to rush to the surface, and it felt like she were cutting him open. Two more lashes came quick on the heels, and now Jayne could feel his legs start to get unsteady as the pain built steadily. Another hit and another and another, and Jayne was caught so out of breath that the world got gray for a second. The hand was back then, bringing heat to a burning desert as it trailed across his back. Jayne arched his back to get away from that touch, and his muscles complained mightily.
"What did you try to do before you sold us out?" River asked calmly. Jayne had such a mass of white noise in his head he had trouble thinking about anything other than the pain in his back which was starting to sink into him.
"Told Mal to put you off," he finally answered.
"He said no. What rule did he give you?" River asked the question calmly, but then she walked around him, fingernails scoring across his back so that all thought skittered right out of his brain. Jayne couldn't even catch his breath. "What rule?" she asked, leaning into him, the buttons on her dress pressing points of pain into him.
"We don't never leave our own behind," Jayne answered, his brain struggling to find the answer in the scatterings of his thought.
"We don't never leave our own behind," River repeated softly. "You broke that rule."
The next hits weren't a surprise. Jayne let his mind sink into the pain, one strike fading into the next like fireworks against his back that drove the air right out of him. When the whipping stopped, he sagged forward, his elbows braced on the hauler as he struggled to pull enough air into his lungs to drive back the gray. Again, her hand brought fire to his back.
"Jayne, the man on the planet was stupid. He was greedy and wanted the reward. If he wasn't stupid, what should he have done?"
"Don't gorram know," Jayne complained. His brain weren't up to even counting his own fingers, so figuring out other people's motivations weren't something he could do right now. His back was fire and his legs shook so bad that Jayne had to focus just to keep upright.
"You're a fed. You know where prisoners are. What should you do?" River asked, her breath in his ear. Jayne rested his forehead against the cool of the hauler, wishing he could lay his back against that and ease the heat that burned him, but he knew it weren't over yet.
"Should call it in," Jayne answered as the questions finally made sense.
"Two by two, hands of blue," River said softly. "They would have come. What would they have done?" Jayne knew what was down that path. Knew since he'd heard the screams of the surviving feds. He didn't answer.
River vanished again, and Jayne forced himself to push off from the hauler, to support himself on arms that tingled and shook near as bad as his legs. Jayne could hear the slaps of leather against skin. He could feel the heat surge and flair without feeling the actual bite of the whip in one spot. His world became the heat in his back and the struggle to keep his legs under him. He weren't going to collapse. He just weren't. He was Jayne Cobb, and no whipping could take him down.
"What would they have done?" River demanded, but her voice was farther away, not whispers in his ear, but a command from a distance. Jayne gasped for air.
"What would they have done?" Louder.
"Brought in ships," Jayne blurted. "Shot down the Serenity. Killed everyone." Jayne's legs nearly gave out, and they might have if he'd had just the truth weighing on him, but the whip returned, and the fire centered him on that pain. Would have killed everyone. Would have killed Kaylee dead when he had told himself the whole time he were trying to protect her. Would have made the only place Jayne'd called home since he was sixteen years old a pile of scorched scrap. Came so close. If someone else hadn't been as stupid as he had been... Jayne gasped for a shuddering breath as pain of a whole other sort rolled through him until he thought he was going to throw up.
Jayne closed his eyes, and focused on the rhythm of the whip against his skin. That was a pain he knew. He could feel that. It was safer feeling that. The world vanished into the truth of the whip against his skin, as he got a light-headed feeling that left him so dizzy that he had to widen his legs to keep from toppling over like an unbalanced load. He only knew the whipping had stopped when he couldn't hear the slap of leather anymore. Silence.
He leaned into the hauler for what seemed like a long time. Jayne wondered if she had just left, but he didn't have the strength to turn and look. His mouth tasted of bile, and Jayne swallowed back an urge to be sick. Fingers stroked his cheek this time, and Jayne opened his eyes and looked at her. River's eyes were bright, like she was trying not to cry.
"What rule would have kept us all safe?" she asked.
"We don't never leave our own behind," Jayne immediately answered. River smiled at him, stroking his cheek with the back of her fingers.
"Two strokes. Strokes you won't forget," River said, and she showed him the horsewhip. The single tail of dark leather stood out against the white of the hauler. Jayne couldn't form words; he just nodded.
She walked behind him.
"Mei mei! No!"
"Doc, you stay outta this."
"As the doctor, I'm putting a stop to this whipping right now."
"You do that, and you'd better hook that fancy gizmo you got up to him, and I'd better see something flashing red. If there ain't some reason for thinking Jayne's on the verge of death, I'll let River finish and deal with you myself."
"What? With a whip? This is barbaric."
Jayne knew the voices, he just couldn't bother himself to sort out who was who. The words washed over him, meaningless noise.
"Jayne's mine. He won't forget the rule again." River's voice Jayne knew. The rule he knew. They didn't leave their own behind. The first hit of the horsewhip caught him across his shoulders, and he fell forward onto the loader. Warm trickled down his back, blood or sweat he didn't know, but it aggravated the fire that had soaked into every cell of his body.
"One," River said behind him.
Jayne gulped air and pushed himself back up on legs that trembled under him. The second line of fire caught him just below the first, and Jayne could see red splattering against the hauler as he fell to his knees gasping.
Strong hands caught him, the arm around his waist opening new fires that threatened to consume him, and Jayne couldn't rightly think past the pain as he struggled to get his legs under him. Couldn't even remember why he had to get his legs under him, but he did.
A second arm caught him so that now he was between two bodies. Jayne could feel them lift his weight, the muscle of his back screaming, but at least he could get his legs under him as he blinked to clear the darkness from his vision.
"You should put him down. I'll get a stretcher," a voice called from a distance. Jayne blinked again and saw River on one side, her arm around his waist and her hand on his stomach.
"Strong Jayne. No more guilt." She smiled up at him, and Jayne couldn't even form a word for a second. Didn't matter what he did, she'd forgiven him. "All the guilt is gone." She said the words like a command.
"Gorram well should be," Jayne muttered. "And I can walk. I ain't riding up in no stretcher unless I got a leg missing." He had more to say, but words kept sliding right out of his brain.
"Ain't never seen anyone take a whipping like that without being tied down."
Jayne turned his head and spotted Mal on his other side. He blinked, trying to figure out what was wrong with the wall behind Mal. Took him a second to realize they were walking, his feet sluggishly imitation motion as they basically carried him toward the infirmary.
"Do I have to worry about you tending Jayne?" Mal asked. Jayne couldn't even figure that out until Simon answered from somewhere behind them.
"What? No. No, I'll tend him. I have painkillers that will help, and I should close that one mark or it might scar."
"No." River said the word quietly and without looking away from Jayne. "He needs the scar," she said without even trying to explain the comment.
"Boo-tai jung-tzahng-duh," Mal muttered. Jayne weren't sure whether the captain meant River's insanity or his own because she was right about the scar. If he was going to feel this much pain, he'd earned a mark he could show for it.
"River…" Simon choked on the word.
"She's better than I thought at this slave-owning," Jayne muttered. They finally reached the infirmary and Mal and River helped him up on the dented table, laying him on his stomach.
"A mite too good for my comfort," Mal sighed. "Do me a favor, Jayne." Mal bent down to look Jayne in the face. "Never, ever do something so stupid as to earn a whipping like this again. I got enough gray hairs worrying about what stupid thing you're going to do next, I don't want to be worrying about the state of your back after you've done it."
"Ain't ever looking for a repeat of this," Jayne agreed. "And doc?"
Simon appeared in front of him which were nice considering that Jayne didn't think he could go twisting around much without passing out. "You mention Ariel to me again, you ever mention it other than as some planet we ain't like to go to again, and I'll punch you in the mouth hard enough to make you lose teeth."
"I…" Simon looked up and over Jayne to where River must be standing. "I won't ever mention it again."
"Good," Jayne muttered. The doc disappeared.
"I'll put that on," River said, and Jayne couldn't see what she was talking about. Didn't care either. All he cared about was that he was finally lying down and he could just sink into the pain. Fingers brought cool to his back, stroking gently, tracing the path the whip had burned.
"Doc, let's go," Mal said.
"I should stay."
"Is he in any danger?"
"No, he doesn't appear to be, but I should monitor…" Simon's voice cut off and Jayne watched with some satisfaction as Mal bodily pulled Simon out of the room.
River sighed. "Stupid brother doesn't get it. All interrupting." River's voice was as soft as her fingers slowly spread cool over his back. The cream took the heat, but it left an almighty ache behind. For long minutes, he just breathed and her fingers gently smoothed the cream across his whip-scores.
"I am sorry," Jayne said softly. "Thought I was doing right."
"I know. Kissed Jesus," she said, and that didn't make much sense to Jayne, but maybe that was because the world was starting to get gray around the edges. She came around to the side Jayne was facing and she laid her palm against his cheek.
"Never wanted to think about how close I came to getting everyone killed. Zoe, Mal, and me, we're fighters. Deserve to go down facing the gun that's going to end us. They would have taken us out without giving us that chance," Jayne admitted the darkness that he'd been fighting back in the bay. He could feel despair chew at the edges of his mind as he thought on just how much he'd done wrong.
"They had their secrets," River agreed.
"Put Kaylee and Wash and Inara in the path of them, too. Didn't even think through that before I put targets on all of us."
"You didn't know," she said softly as she climbed on the table, fitting herself awkwardly on the four inches that were left between him and the edge. He watched as she reached up, but then closed his eyes as she used fingers to trace over his eyelids, and down to his lips, over his cheeks and then back up to his ear.
"Should have. Mal knew. In the airlock, he told me that I got pinched because I talked. I just didn't think it through. Always make the wrong choice."
"Not always." River's caress wandered down his arm to where the cuff was still locked around his wrist.
Jayne didn't argue because he was starting to think that letting her put the cuff on him weren't such a bad idea, but the fact was, he was mighty good at always choosing the wrong side. He felt fatigue pull at him, making his body heavy as his face tingled from her touch.
"I forgive you." She said the words, and Jayne had to blink to rid of himself of a warmth in his eyes.
"Beautiful Jayne," she sighed. "Took everything. Mal was impressed." Jayne smiled a little, and fingers traced the new shape of his mouth. "Brother is all black with guilt because he thinks I took the idea from his words last night." Jayne smiled wider. He started a low chuckle at the thought of Simon eaten with guilt, but the movement just made him groan.
"And now Jayne will remember the rule and all that strength is going to stay by my side." Her fingers danced across his arm and sent a shiver though him that just made his back ache worse. She shifted a little closer, her body pressing against his on the small table. "All that strength aimed right where I send it. Never going to get in trouble like this again."
Jayne found himself believing her. He also found himself wondering if there was something in that cream because sleep was pulling him under even though he hadn't been awake long. "My beautiful, strong Jayne," she breathed in his ear, the words tickling him, but he was too tired to scratch. Instead he slid into sleep.
